Memory

Memory

A Poem by Jesal Gohil

Your are beautiful my sweet

Without spot, without blemish

In you there is no imperfection.. your aura is glorious - divine and angelic

As the sun’s first light enters heaven abode

So does your smile permeates your countenance onto the canvas of my soul

Even as your laughter resounds across the hallways of my memories

Its streets resonate with a euphoric symphony

Those very corners and lanes we walked alone

Setting our gaze on the city lights and watching vibrant life unfold

But now those roads lie empty, like a rancid corpse long forgotten

Joy weeps broken and desolate, the heart remains in dark seclusion

Come back my queen! Cry the orphaned, my wailing emotions

But their pleas have fallen on deaf ears!

You have brought upon them a spiteful abrasion!

You will not turn back..far away have you gone to conquer another nation

Leaving behind a testament of bones and a fountain of tears

A mockery of love and hope left in solitary desperation.

 

© 2013 Jesal Gohil


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Not really into this freeform style, Jesal, but I can point out a couple of grammatical things.
'Without spot or Without blemish' - why the capital 'W' on the second 'without?' Why 'or'?
It would read better 'Without spot, without blemish'.
Heaven's abode - in line 3. permeate - in line 4. (no 's')
But now those roads - not them roads.
The editor has inserted " instead of your dash (-) in line12. It does this with the extended dash, so you need to go back in and fix it.
You have brought upon them - not bought.
What is a 'testament of bones'? A little too lyrical I feel. The final line, rhyming as it does with the penultimate line, is fine.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Not really into this freeform style, Jesal, but I can point out a couple of grammatical things.
'Without spot or Without blemish' - why the capital 'W' on the second 'without?' Why 'or'?
It would read better 'Without spot, without blemish'.
Heaven's abode - in line 3. permeate - in line 4. (no 's')
But now those roads - not them roads.
The editor has inserted " instead of your dash (-) in line12. It does this with the extended dash, so you need to go back in and fix it.
You have brought upon them - not bought.
What is a 'testament of bones'? A little too lyrical I feel. The final line, rhyming as it does with the penultimate line, is fine.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on February 28, 2013
Last Updated on April 5, 2013

Author

Jesal Gohil
Jesal Gohil

Mumbai, Maharashtra, India



About
Im a new writer on the block..looking forward to making myself better at poetry and writing more..

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