Tsunami

Wanted to write a poem about a natural dissaster, I started, and I just couldn't stop. It's my first ever poem. Tell me what you think. Wrote in form of a story.

I was lying on my bed enjoying the comfort,, everything just seems right

When suddenly, a noise like the sound of a thousand trumpets pierced the night

I got up immediately, already covered in fright

Bang! Bang! Bang! A loud knock on my door

I look round my room, still the same, with a little crack on the floor

I opened the door to see my neighbour

Starring at me with wide eyes filled with horror

And face gone dead pale

She looked like she had just seen a ghost from an evil witch's tale

"What is happening!?" I asked her

Her one reply kept echoing over and over in my head like a deathly whisper "Tsunami"

I noticed her lips moving but I can't hear a thing she was saying

I'm sucked into a memory of the tsunami I witnessed, we were about to eat dinner, we just started praying

I looked towards the ocean through our kitchen's window looking to find it peaceful and calm

But it wasn't, a mighty wall of water rose from it, and hopelessly, people ran

My father looked and stared at the unfolding event

A wave crashed on shore, and with it, everything went

Another wave arose like a mighty fist promising doom

We know where it's headed, our house, it'll be here soon

I looked to my right to see my beautiful mother

The wave reached us and I blanked out, her face was the last thing I remember

I woke to a very bright white light

A figure appeared in my blurry line of sight

I felt comfortable, I felt relaxed

"Am I dead? is this heaven?" I finally asked

"You are in the hospital kid, only you survived, it is a very big miracle that you are alive"

A real miracle it was, for then I was just five

I am jacked back to reality when I heard a few men scream

My knees buckled and I crashed on the ground as their words sank in

A big laugh broke from my mouth as the men's words replayed in my head

"A false alarm! It's a false alarm! You all can go back to bed!!"

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Just when I was about to mention that your "sing-song" cadence doesn't lend itself to such a tragedy, then I get to the end & find out it's a joke. Well then, that makes your cadence appropriate, as you are not really trying to build drama here. I was picturing everything, all along, & the story carried me forward. This is an unusual topic & an unusual treatment, which is a very good thing in poetry, where almost everything has been written about a million times! Thanks for sharing.

[Jerryyoung1z]

Thanks for your honest and observant review

[.]

A very nice write, Jerry.
A very timely topic, expertly rhymed, with tension throughout the entire poem.

A few spelling corrections required though....line 7 "eyes", line 21, "reached", line 26, "survived", line 29, "buckled".
Not nitpicking. Probably just a keyboard gremlin! Well done.

[𝐋.𝐂.]

I story thats rhymes, cool!! 😀
(the ending was unexpected)

Anyways, I think there need to be an earthquake before the tsunami. (just like the 311 in Japan)

[Dead]

This is really good and very vivid :) I'm really happy you took my advice and came here!

[Jerryyoung1z]

Thanks. I'm glad you didn't quit pushing me when I told you "No". Thank you.

[Solar]

'I'm sucked into a memory of the tsunami I witnessed, we were about to eat dinner, we just started praying'


You make it so terrifyingly real - such a relief at the end!

[Jerryyoung1z]

Thanks, I appreciate

[Archos]

I love the way it's written, it flows really well. The whole poem is very powerful, but the ending simply struck me with a wave of relief (pun intended, I know I shouldn't). Thanks for sharing!

[Jerryyoung1z]

Thanks for the review Anchos, I'm glad you like it. I thought about how I want it to end, then decided I didn't want to end the poem on a sad note

[Jerryyoung1z]

Thanks for the review, I'm glad you like it. I thought about how I want it to end, then decided I didn't want to end the poem on a sad note

[Jerryyoung1z]

That thing just won't delete. Ment Archos not Anchos lol stupid prediction

[Archos]

Don't worry about that :) To be honest, I haven't even noticed it :D

[Jerryyoung1z]

Well that's a relief:-)