The Infinite Mind of GodA Story by Spectral Dust A true story of divine healing
A personal testimony of divine healing.
Have you ever gazed upon the dark, diamond studded abyss and wondered how it all began? The stars and planets? The air we breathe? Could a universe of starry galaxies just appear out of nothing? Do us humans and all living things exist as part of some unfathomable divine plan, or are we simply an accident of nature? Ever thought about God? and if “She” does exist then how did that God come to be? and how does one prove that existence?
Could one know the infinite mind of God?
I’ve thought about these questions often. I used to drive a truck and would spend countless hours contemplating cosmological theories and logical explanations that might fill the gaping hole in my understanding. I read books on religion, but felt unsatisfied--unconvinced. I surveyed the latest scientific theories--to the best of my "C" average ability--that told me with overstated confidence that the answer reside in a wrinkle in space, a black hole, or a “big bang.”
None of what I found in my search for answers brought the enlightenment I was hoping for, what I felt my soul needed. Then one day something marvelous happened that helped me understand. It was back in 1987...
I had just lost my job and fallen on hard times. I had to move into my parents' basement until I got back on my feet. Not a fun time for anyone, but we did the best we could to make things work. At that time I publicly declared myself an atheist, but prayed for a spiritual and intellectual confirmation of the reality of God. My mother, however, was firmly convinced of the saving grace of God through faith; specifically, faith in Christ, her lord and savior. She'd been attending prayer meetings with some church folk and was quite pumped up about Jesus.
Now she was not an overly preachy woman, my mother, but given the chance she would not hesitate to dispense her Jesus wisdom. My typical response to these proverbial injections would be to deride her goodwill with a logical tirade, which would usually result in some tit-for-tat verbiage and a private declaration to never discuss religion with her again. There came a night, however, when I decided to break my own rule; this, in turn, led to the greatest miracle of my life.
It was on the 28th day of March, and I had just gotten home from my newly acquired part-time job. My father, who was a musician, was out entertaining with his clarinet and saxophone, so he was not home. My mother was watching a well-known televangelist on TV (Who will remain nameless.) I sat down in a recliner while she sat on the couch nearby.
We watched and listened.
After about ten minutes I felt the urge to share my skeptical view of what the preacher on TV was saying. I had to speak my mind!
“I don’t know if I can buy into what this guy is saying; sounds like he’s making it up as he goes along,” I said.
“No, it’s true,” my mother said, “you simply have to have faith in God, and trust that things will work out alright.”
“I don’t know. This whole sacrifice thing, one guy dying for the whole world sounds like a fable to me, wishful thinking.” I figured with that remark I’d really thrown down the gauntlet, so I prepared myself for a quick escape. To my surprise, she responded without the slightest bit of acrimony.
“Well, it says in the Bible that Christ died for our sins, and the Bible is the word of God, so I believe that,” my mother said.
This did not suit my logical and historically informed mind one bit. I’m not going to stand down! I’m entitled to my opinion!
“Well, in the first place," I said, "you only accept that the Bible is the word of God, you can’t prove it. Tell me, Mom, how do you know…I mean, can you prove that Jesus died for your sins, or that God even exists?”
My mother sat quietly for a few seconds, contemplating an answer. Then she said, “A person just knows...they know it in their heart.”
“Oh, I see. One just knows, is that it? Thanks for proving God, Mom,” I scoffed.
I’d heard her say once that she had the ability to “speak in tongues.” For those of you who don’t know what that means, it is--to summarize--the apparent ability to convey spiritual truths in an unknown language. It’s up to others who can translate from that utterance any wisdom or knowledge it may contain. My rabid disbelief in such nonsense could not be contained--I had to speak up!
“And what’s all this nonsense about speaking in tongues?” I asked, pulling all stops on my skepticism.
“Well,” she said, “it’s simply the spirit of the Lord speaking through you; to guide you and help one understand spiritual truths. You might not understand, but your spirit does.”
“Uh-uh. Well, can you speak in tongues right now?...well, can you?” I asked, injecting as much doubt into the question as possible.
“Oh, no, I’m not going to do that now; you’ll just scoff,” she said, waving her hand at me dismissively.
At this point something powerful welled up inside of me. I pointed my finger at my mother and said,
“Look, if God were real, I could be a drug addict, dying in a car accident, or a bum in an alley, and he could save me just...like...that!” Then I snapped my fingers for emphasis.
“Well, if you’re sure you want me to do this,” she said, “but if you start to laugh…”
“I won’t laugh. I promise! Just do it, if you can!”
My mother leaned forward on the couch, closed her eyes, and slowly opened her mouth. She began to utter some syllables that were strung together as unintelligible linguistic blocks that only vaguely resembled words. This went on for about twenty seconds. Then she stopped, put her hands on her lap and looked over at me.
I have to say, I was astonished by what I'd just heard. I wasn’t yet convinced that my mother wasn’t simply a crazy woman talking nonsense, but I was definitely impressed.
“Come on,” I said enthusiastically, “do it again. I want to hear it again!”
“Oh, no, that’s enough; you want to make fun of me,” she said.
At this point I got up from the chair and knelt on one knee by her feet. “No, please, just do it again. I want to see your lips move.” (My idea of a scientific analysis, I guess.)
“Well, if you’re sure…”
“I’m ready, Mom…go…”
She leaned forward and began to utter once again those same unintelligible sounds. Her eyes were closed, and I tell you honestly, she seemed to be in a deep trance. After about fifteen seconds she stopped, opened her eyes, and then looked at me.
I was thoroughly baffled.
“No, wait,” I said, “don’t stop yet, I--”
It was at the very instant I spoke that personal pronoun that I lowered my other knee to the floor. I was now on both knees. I stopped talking, and looked straight ahead past my mother. It was then that it happened: A power, an energy of some kind, came over and through my upper body. It was like electricity and warmth combined. This energy--whatever it was--was powerful, tangible and unmistakably “real.” It was SO powerful, in fact, that it caused me to lurch forward and clutch my chest.
“Mom,” I gasped, “something just came over me!”
“Like what?” my mother asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. I felt a pain deep within; a sudden surge of sorrow and remorse. At that very same moment my father walked into the house. He was home from work. It was 11:50 p.m., March 28th, 1987.
My mother was puzzled, but went upstairs to greet her husband. I walked to my bedroom downstairs and fell to my knees at my bedside and felt an overpowering urge to weep. And weep I did. More than weep, I wailed. It felt as if all the pain and the worst experiences I’d ever had were gushing out; as if I was being released of all the hurt and sorrows my body, mind, and soul had been immersed in for years. I also felt intense shame for all the mistakes I’d made; those errors in judgment that caused hurt for others when I was young. I was feeling the painful effects--for the first time--of sin. I also felt gratitude, without even really understanding why. Something incredible had just occurred, but my mind had not yet unraveled this seemingly miraculous moment. After a few minutes I calmed down, and then realized--I knew.
I wasn’t overly surprised to see my mother about fifteen minutes later. She asked me what had happened. God touched me, I said. He healed me. She was not at all surprised, knowing as she did the pain and sorrow that had bound me for so many years. We hugged each other, and we both cried, too. What was that sorrow that had bound me? It need not be mentioned; only to say it was the same hurts and disappointments that so many of us feel, given a long enough life.
I could expel a lengthy narrative here describing the positive effects that that experience had on my life. I could employ beautiful superlatives to try and convince you--the reader--that I'd truly experienced a miracle of God. But I will refrain, for I know the futility of the task. I would, however, like to share some verses I wrote a short time after the miracle expressing my feelings about that night. I like to think of the following as lyrics to a gospel song, even though I know nothing of songwriting.
Once I lived in darkness
Well, the days came and went
Chorus
Yes, Lord, how could I have known And, Lord, all those times I thought I was alone
TO BE SET FREE!
Chorus
Life is not easy for anybody; it certainly hasn’t been easy for me. But in spite of everything--the pains, sorrows, the crazy struggle--there's still room for gratitude, for life is a gift. It's been over twenty years since that night, and I've come to the logical conclusion that there is no logical conclusion--only gratitude. For within that unexpected miracle there resides a wonderful gift of healing.
It's true, I still contemplate the cosmos, ponder the big questions--I still wonder. However, something is different now, as the passing years have only affirmed what my heart has known since that one night in March so long ago. Now, without need of logical argument or good science I can gaze out at that dark, diamond studded abyss and know that for one moment--just one fleeting moment--I had the blessed privilege of seeing into the unfathomable and mysterious, infinite mind of God, and know that I am loved.
Thank you, God.
© 2012 Spectral DustAuthor's Note
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Added on November 29, 2011 Last Updated on July 25, 2012 Tags: Spiritual, supernatural, religious Author
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