My life

my life sucks

Sorry.

I've had quite a Sad day yesterday (29)

I woke up, slightly hung-over, but not enough to be incapacitated. I decided to play a bit of video games.

Before I knew it, it was already 4 o'clock. My mom came home, My dad followed a bit later. My sister right after that.

I was quite looking forward to talking to you, but then Artus told me he had the rest of the day to play games. We started this campaign we were talking about all year, but couldn't play because he was in Vienna, and I couldn't tell him 'not today' because he is leaving on Wednesday to go live in Finland for a while.

The game was amazing. I really had fun, but by the time we stopped It was already midnight.

I barely walked the dog, and ate in a hurry to be able to play as much as I could. I honestly forgot about you for a while, and I'm sorry about that.

Besides Artus, my day wasn't so great. I got yelled by my dad, for putting a LAN cable between my pc and the rooter. "He doesn't know what's he's doing and he's gone break everything". Artus had to laugh at what my dad was yelling about. I told him it's something he will never know to have to bear stupid people all your life. he doesn't has any handicapped in his family, I have 3: My mom, my father and my sister.

I managed to keep the cable but at the prices of yet again tension between my dad and me for the rest of the day.

at table I realised again my mother doesn't care about me. she made special salad for my sister because she thought she didn't like the one that was there since yesterday. but I was the one that didn't like olives. not Maite. she served me a piece of meat at random, which I'm fine about, but only asked the rest what piece of the meat they wanted.

Maite, she can't stop talking about how much money she 's making. not realising that she doesn't pay taxes yet because she is still student for a few more months and thus she is now making the most she ever will.

My dad has a boat, but is unable to use it properly, and keeps breaking it. My dad is talking about a guy quitting his job because nobody gets him, telling my mom he is happy he's gone.

my mom, repeating her story 4 times because she only had one story, but four times the time to speak. she hates this guy, she hates that guy. I wish she would stop hating people because they are diferent, and hate them for a good reason. you know! like I do, I hate stupid people. granted that one is on my family.

all this passed by me like it usually does. but today is one of those days that it gets me.

My dad told me this was his house. like a*****e dads in the movies also do. I told him I live here too. we all know that if he didn't wanted me he shouldn't have made me. but we all know he fucked that up already, and made me aware of it since I was borne.

My mom's only reaction was: "well why don't you go live somewhere else?"

meanwhile Maite is changing the paper on the wall of her room. she knows she is here to stay since she is about to break up with her boyfriend again.

she is 26, go tell her to move out, she making more money than my mom is. well, for now at least.

I think I feel like this because this day, as usual as it is, is just in contrast with yesterday where I met Dirk, Jessica and Quentin.

Nonetheless, at midnight I wanted to talk to you, and was really hoping you weren't gone to sleep yet. fearing you were mad at me for accidentally ignoring you or something. but you weren't there. I saw you came back online a few times, but you didn't talk to me so I'm actually thinking you are mad at me.

at one point in the day, I was sitting in my little corner I made near the rooter, and noticed, that the little dog was right next to me. he choose to be with me instead of with me family near his comfy pillow. I felt kinde sad for this dog.  fearing maybe one day I might end up like him, in search for affection but nobody to give me. again like when I was a kid.

I went outside, to be with my dog.  He is such a big boy now, but sometimes he breaks my heart. He was playing with me, trying to get me to pet him by putting his paw on my hand and pulling it toward him, later, he took his bone, and started to chew it in front of me, as a kid who want someone to play with him. I couldn't help myself to stand there with him, watch him chew that bone,  It was just too cute. I couldn't stay with him all night off course. so I decided to go back inside the house.

I realised outthere that I am horrible with money. I can manage it, I just never feel the need to make it. most people make money to get what they will want maybe one day. whereas I want something, and then calculate how much I need to work to have it. I don't want much, so I don't work much. but now I feel bad because I know we will need money in the future. so I feel like I fucked up in front of you.

I also wanted to learn something. I read one of those success stories on Reddit, and I could only think about how I never will be in the big league. I looked at a video about gunpowder's affect on history, I wanted to created a program in C to turn a spectrum analyse back to sound. but realised how both useless and unusable it is due to the sensibility of the frequency of parts of a sound. also I don't know any language enough to make it, and C is quit hard to make an user interface in. you know I need C for school right?

so after about 2 hours past midnight I couldn't deal with the boredom, with the sadness of my life, and realised how few the things are in life that make me happy, proud to be who I am, who I have become, and who I will live my life toward.

I have my friends, My dog, and baby. I got you.