Cowardice

Your name is Cowardice.
and you cover me in speckles

you show me all of my insecurities,

like my thighs..

and my freckles..

You told me once that everyone could see the way my hips sway,

because i wore jean shorts seeing as it was hot that day,

i was young and it really shouldn't have mattered..

but when i looked down 

those legs had become a little bit fatter.

i remember that day,

i'll never forget the day you made me notice the way my hips sway,

so now i always hunch my back,

and walk straight leg.

Cowardice..

You told me 3 years ago how noticeably large my arms are,

and how people don't normally hang out with hens...

and that frightened me more than anything by far,

so i pulled out all my long sleeves
and my day commenced.

you got meaner, cowardice,

as you watched me cover my arms in sweaters,

only ever because i thought it looked better,

in spring weather,

summer was great,

because even though it was uncomfortable i wore them 

when i noticed that i was sweating more and losing weight
Weight that you said yourself cowardice..

would turn everyone away..

And i hid those arms for years,

and well,

even more so after my emotions swelled when i was 12

and put a slice in my skin to release them,

there wasn't enough room in my body to keep them

so i bled the blues
sometimes more, sometimes less, 
I cut free the feeling of knowing i would only ever be used,
never loved to what is considered endless,
pent up and anxious

from years of hating myself, being lonely and self conscious,
i bled those fears and words from you,

i put every card on the table, 
because each game we ever played you knew how play it, 

and to me had only ever been new.

i'm unhappy because i see every flaw you whisper to me,
cowardice.

You made me a coward,
you did,
each and every hour,

spent looking in the mirror trying to cover the freckles in powder
and pull my sleeves down more than ever,

to hide the scars from hating myself when everyone always told me how i am beautiful and clever.
i ignore them now like i did then..

because hey..
"People don't normally hang out with hens.."