The regrets of a Lost One

Story of a man lost in life

The regrets of a Lost One

You ever sit and wish you could go back in time or have a do-over? I do every minute of everyday. Right now I'm just staring at my last bag of blow I have to sell after doing my last hit weed out of a bong as I'm lighting a cigarette. Sitting on a bed I took from someone throwing it out, in an apartment I can't afford surrounded by baggies, scales and loose money on the ground. Who is this person? To tell the truth I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Wondering everyday if this is all my life would lead up to? Was it worth it? Am I proud of it? All I do is sit here and think of my past and wonder what if I did this or didn't do that would my life be better or should I just be happy it's not worse? Or is this just who I am and it was inevitable? A life full of regrets and unfulfilled potential. Most days depressed to the point of not getting out of bed and faking happiness and content so friends and family don't worry about me too much. When I growing up, i wasn't thinking of role models like other Kids around me who looked up the hip hop and sports stars, I just wanted to be like my father. A factory worker who made enough money to have me and the family not need anything. Man, I really had a dope childhood and life to this point even coming from the place I grew in Middletown. I did and seen more things than most do in a lifetime but now I am everything my father was not and everything I always said I was never going to be. if I saw my dad right now I prolly couldn't look him in the face. To think my wonderful father made a true coward that in the end just ran from his life and his problems because he was just tired of trying so hard to just be a struggling nobody. I think that's the hardest part of being me now, ignoring calls from my family because I'm too scared to tell them what their baby boy is wasting his life doing. I am a father to the greatest son ever and too scared to let him see the man he looks up to broken and weak. Day in and out sitting alone in my room just waiting for a reason to get out of bed. I wonder if suicide victims feel like this before they can't take it anymore. That's just something that isn't in me, I let down my friends and family too much already to go out that way and need time to make it up for all my mistakes before I go out. But with the amount of drugs I sell and do, F**k, you'd think I was trying to die earlier anyway. I don't even care about the drugs really it's more the way it makes me feel important while selling and forget I'm the person now who younger me would rather kill himself than become. It's just so f*****g crazy, I've been living this way for like 7 months now and have no plan at all to fix or end this madness. Just letting days go by detached from everything and everyone. While sitting back and actually thinking about it, I still remember the exact events that started me down this path to this pile of s**t existence. Me and my babymama had been broken for almost a year now, I was living with a really good friend who gave me a place to live when I had nowhere to go. I was looking for my own place to move to or with a roommate and none of my single friends that needed a place had their life together enough to live with. I didn't make enough money to live a alone so I decided to sell drugs for extra cash. I had friends that sold weed already so I didn't want to compete with them. So I taught myself to sell blow, like literally taught myself. I googled weight and slang then found out normal price ranges. Who does s**t like this? There's a saying when selling blow, you only need to tell one person and people will find you. That is the truest statement ever! Within 1 month I am the guy in these streets and I didn't even know what a teener was yet. Somehow I found plugs with good prices and became close friends with all these dealers and now I have a network. Life became a blur of drugs, work and partying then on my days off I would have my son and close down business for 2 days. Who would have thought an articulate college graduate would be this f*****g stupid. It's harder being black and finding work sometimes but I had some many other choices I could have done. What was missing? What was I chasing or looking for? For so long I have wonder, what's broken inside me? I ruin or run away from every relationship I've ever had. I put friends' needs over my own and literally f**k up myself for nothing. I don't even remember the last time I was proud or happy with myself. I got some weak as issue like "I don't deserve to be happy because I hate myself so I ruin things or don't try". F*****g weak a*s excuses. I'm just a weird dude for real, the things I like are all over the place. Im a mix of jock, nerd, dealer, smoker, fighter, pro black but hang with everyone immature guy that has no goals of his own in life or things he wants to do or strives for. I keep hoping everyday I hustle enough money to fix my life so I can go back to my old one without asking or begging for help from family or friends. I want to fix this myself and not take what I know they worked hard for. What kind of man or adult could do that but am I really getting anywhere doing it myself? Do I actually like it so I just lie to myself everyday? Man I'm the person friends come to for advice or if they need help with anything and I will do anything for them at the drop of the hat. But why can't I help myself or ask for it. Why do I hide my broken self or just let everything burn down in my life while I stay silent. I really only have one goal in life right now and that's make sure Jeremiah, my baby boy, never becomes this. I'll disappear or even make him hate everything about me before he is close to this life. I'm even a s****y dealer and gangster, I have to bury those feelings and be 100% in this world so I don't get caught or worse so not a father or son or brother just hustler and hope I can make it back to old me eventually. I just hope I remember who old me is at that time and I hope I can be forgiven.