Cold nights

One of the things that I miss the most about relationships, is the sense of companionship and being near someone. I suffer from chronic nightmares and having someone next to me usually reduces them.

The bed feels so empty since you’ve left. I keep tossing and turning, and then apologizing to an empty bed. Random times throughout the night, I’ll try to drape my arm around you and pull you close, only to grasp at a cold pillow. I’ll lay there for a minute or two before my brain can process that you’re not coming home.

It’s a lot quieter alone in this empty room. I’ve started to miss the little things. Your slight twitches and your sleepy mumbles. I’m not used to laying there without hearing you mumble or being kept awake by your little twitches. I never really minded, I know you were self conscious about them, but I never minded. They reminded me that you’re here next to me

 I still never stray over the left side of the bed, force of habit I guess. I know you always hated when I’d do that, only allowing it if I was just going to cuddle you. Although you were always warm, so cuddling never lasted long. The bed is so cold recently. You know me, always freezing. But normally I’d have you there to warm me up. Just put my feet over yours, stealing some warmth. Not really an option anymore. There are a lot of things that aren’t an option anymore.

The nightmares are back. I’ll wake up in a cold sweat, reaching out for you. You’re never there. I can’t hear your voice anymore; speaking calming words and telling me it’ll be alright or that you love me. Now I just hug the pillow and try to imagine what you would have said.

I’d like to think I’ve gotten used to it. The cold feet and the empty bed. I don’t cry anymore. I’ve gotten over the sadness of it. But every now and then, I’ll look at that picture we took at the cottage. I don’t cry, I just breathe a heavy sigh and roll over