New Story- Chapter 1

My house went up in smoke as I stood motionless, and watched. Blue flame danced teasingly, as though to mock me while I watched helplessly, my memories, my life, burn away before my very eyes.

 

It was a bitter cold night, on the 24^th of November. The nasty wind nipped fiercely at my skin. Hurriedly I parked my truck right outside of my tiny city apartment. It may be dingy and crammed but I promised myself every night, it was just until the insurance on my house went through. Unfortunately that was a very slow process, as though my home being burned to the ground was not enough, now I had to deal with the incompetence of the insurance company. It wasn’t just them that was causing me grief, three months had passed since the fire and the police weren’t any closer to finding the cause. ‘Accidental’ is the word they kept using when talking to me, but I didn’t believe it for a second. The look in their eyes told me that not even they believed what they were saying. Somebody was after me, this I knew. I could feel it, everywhere I went; as though they were tracing my every step. No I thought, that is just paranoid crazy talk, who would follow me? I ordered myself at once to stop thinking about this as I lay in bed waiting for sleep to take over.

 

Abruptly I was awoken out of a nightmare. Seconds after my eyes fluttered open however, I couldn’t remember what it was about. A murder I think, or maybe not, whichever it may have been it wasn’t important now. Disoriented, I felt my way around for the lamp on my bedside table. Feeling the cool ceramic button under my fingers, I flicked on the switch. My eyes ached and stung with the sudden white light that blazed through my room, momentarily blinding me. Stumbling out of bed I headed towards the kitchen for a glass of ice water. Trying to reason with myself as to why I was awake at the ungodly hour of 4:00 am. Sitting down at the kitchen table I glanced outside, little white flakes of powder were peacefully falling from the sky, covering the barren streets. Five out of the seven streetlights flickered on and off, moments from burning out. Then, out of the corner of my eye I saw it. My breath caught in my throat. A pang of panic suddenly overcame me, followed by a cold sweat that surrounded every inch of my body. Trying to concentrate on what I saw I opened my eyes as far as they would stretch, hoping that it was just the moonless night that was playing tricks on me. There was my truck, parked across the street from where I had left it. Kicking back my chair, not even hesitating as it went crashing to the floor I grabbed my coat and ran out the door.

 

I checked every inch of my truck, and nothing. There was no damage, nothing looked even remotely different, even my steering wheel lock was on. All the while I glanced frantically in every direction, in case the culprit was still near by. Fear gripping me, I turned back towards my apartment, pulling out my cell phone to dial 911. A female voice suddenly rang through my ears “911, what’s your emergency?” my words came out in an uncontrollable jumbled mess. “My truck, someone stole it. They moved it, took my keys and moved it but now my keys are back, they’re in my pocket and.. my truck is parked outside. Except my truck is on the wrong side of the street not.. Not where I parked it.” I suddenly heard myself and realized how ridiculous I sounded. “Sir, what you are saying is that somebody stole your truck, parked it across the street and put the keys back in your house?” I sighed gravely, “yes that is what I’m saying. I know it sounds crazy, but I know, I know for a fact that I parked my truck right outside my house. Then I look out and it has moved to the other side of the street. How else do you explain this!?” for a brief moment I heard nothing but silence from the other end of the line. “Sir, please calm down. Officer Christianson has been dispatched and will arrive at your house momentarily, he will then go from there. Now, I gather that you understand the severity of false allegations?” “are you claiming I am making this up, officer?” I bitterly spit out through my teeth. “It is something I must be sure of. Officer Christianson will be of further assistance to you from here” came the abrupt sound of an irritated voice, followed by the click of a dead phone line.

 

I paced around my living room, which didn’t seem small until right now. Within moments I was at one end, and was forced to turn around to pace right back to the other. What was taking so long. Jumping at the loud banging from the front door, I was momentarily stunned, until I realized who it was. I nearly ran to the door and swung it open. Before me stood a tall muscular officer, a dark brown moustache covered his lip and neatly combed hair was in a thin layer on his head, matching the colour of his moustache. “Hello, I‘m constable Christianson” he greeted, pulling off his aviators. “Hi.. John Stamond” I stammered, suddenly very intimidated by the man that stood in front of me. “May I come in?” a slight nod was all I could manage as I further opened the door to allow him the space to come in. Sitting down at the kitchen table I offered, “anything to drink?” “no thank you” he said with a smile. “Now I understand that you believe somebody broke into your house, stole your truck keys, parked the truck across the street and returned the keys. Is this correct?” I felt my face heat up, “yes that is correct.” He appeared to be deep in thought. “Where were you during the supposed time this event took place?” “I was in bed, asleep. I had gotten up for a glass of water and that’s when I looked out the window and noticed that my truck was not parked where I had left it.” “I see..” his eyes dimmed with a mixture of both annoyance and confusion. “Sir, it’s just, your story doesn’t add up. That sort of thing simply would not happen.” Suddenly out of no where I felt a surge of anger grip my entire body, “are you calling me a liar!” I screeched icily. He was taken aback by surprise, even I was shocked by my sudden burst of anger, at what was seemingly nothing. Yet, even though I could clearly see it was not something to get quite so worked up over, I couldn’t cool the rage that was angrily rocking through my veins. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down. Is it at all possible that you parked your truck there all along and simply forgot?” That did it. I was suddenly towering over the man that had once intimidated me, blood shooting through my temple. My chair had flown across the room in the haste of my upward bolt, and I was now gripping the table with white knuckles, staring into the alarmed brown eyes of the once mellow officer. “Sir please, sit down so we can come to a rational conclusion.” I wasn’t listening, my entire body trembled with anger that was beyond my control, anger that wasn’t even mine anymore. Sweat poured down my face as the room started to sway from side to side, and then everything went black.

Author's Note

please edit and review. i appreciate any help i can get, including criticism. what do you like about the story, what don't you like, how could i improve, maybe remove certain parts, add certain parts, revise, etc.

thank you, it is very appreciated.

Reviews

[Gabi Celaya]

"I stood motionless, and watched." You don't need the comma here.
“Blue flame danced teasingly,” “flame” should be “flames”
“while I watched helplessly, my memories, my life, burn away before my very eyes.” The conjugation and sentence structure here is a bit strange. It should be “while I watched helplessly as my memories, my life burned away before my very eyes.” Or else “while I watched helplessly. My life, my memories burning away before my very eyes.”
“The nasty wind nipped fiercely at my skin.” I don’t think “nasty” is the right word to use here. To me, it rings of a child speaking, and your narrative’s voice is most certainly not a child’s. Not to mention that the circumstances lead us to believe that it must be an adult narrating.
“right outside of my tiny city apartment.” Here, I don’t think you need the word “right”. Mark Twain said that a good editor will take out every use of the word “very” in a manuscript, I agree with that and the same rule probably applies here.
“It may be dingy and crammed” Crammed with what? If just crammed, then I suspect you mean “cramped”
“but I promised myself every night” Reminded, not promised. It’s something your narrator knows, not something they intend to do.
“Unfortunately that was a very slow process, as though my home being burned to the ground was not enough, now I had to deal with the incompetence of the insurance company. It wasn’t just them that was causing me grief, three months had passed since the fire and the police weren’t any closer to finding the cause.” This can be summarised into some variation of “And as if the fire wasn’t enough, I now had to deal with insurance company’s incompetence still dragging it out three months later, refusing to pay until the police had found a cause.” 20 words saved, every little helps…
“‘Accidental’ is the word they kept using” You change tense within this sentence. Either “was the word they kept using” or “is the word they keep using”. The rest of the paragraph leads to me to think it should be the first.
The look in their eyes told me that not even they believed what they were saying. Somebody was after me, this I knew. I could feel it, everywhere I went; as though they were tracing my every step. No I thought, that is just paranoid crazy talk, who would follow me? I ordered myself at once to stop thinking about this as I lay in bed waiting for sleep to take over.
“Abruptly I was awoken out of a nightmare.” “awoken” implies that the character has been awoken by someone or something external, rather than just waking up.
I'll be back to do the rest of the corrections later.

[Chirinos20]

It was a nice story. You have some missing periods in some parts but over all. I think is very well written. I like how it rimes. The end was just real good! It makes me feel like I'm watching a movie. Good job!