It's 2:38

It's 2:38

  It's 2:38 in the morning and yes I'm still awake. Thinking about you keeps me up. Whenever I close my eyes, I see your face. I see your smile as we argued about stupid things. I hear your laughter as I ran away from you playfully while you were tickling me. I feel your warm soft lips as they move against mine in a heat of passion that ignites a fiery sensation deep in the pit of my stomach. They call it butterflies but I knew it as love. It's these moments I wish I could bottle up and keep forever. But instead, my ears are filled with the soft pitter patter of the rain on my bedroom window. Instead of the spark caused by love for you I see a quick flash of lightning followed by a loud clash of thunder. I reach up to touch my cheek to find it cold and moist with my fresh tears that never cease much like the storm that has been going on for hours now.

My mom came in to check on me. She knew I was awake. I told her I couldn't sleep because of the storm and she left me on my own although she knew I was lying. Deep down, I knew it too. But if you tell yourself something enough times, you start to believe it. So I tell myself that I can't sleep because of the storm. I tell myself that I can't eat because I'm not hungry. I tell myself that talking to you like before would be disastrous. I tell myself that going out and buying your cologne that I loved so much would be absolutely  ridiculous. I tell myself you hate me and that you have been avoiding me just so I don't have to be the one to talk to you first. I tell myself that I can never let anyone in again. But I can't bring myself to say that I don't love you. It may be because I know that it is not true. Or it could be that I know how ever many times I tell myself, I won't believe it. Or because I'm scared that one day, I will believe it. And I don't know what I would do then. 

 So instead I lie awake in my bed, resenting the clock moving to read 2:39. I want to freeze time. I want to go back and freeze the times we had together, make those times last longer, last forever. I wish I could have gone back. You never know what you have until it is taken away from you. I never really understood the meaning of that. But now it's 2:40 and I understand it all. "Live for the moment because everything else is uncertain." I get it now, but it is too late to change anything. Cherish the time you have with others because you never know when they will be ripped from you. I do, now. Because instead of your laughter, I have the rain. Instead of your smile, I have darkness. And instead of your taste, I have the salty taste of my own tears as they cascade down my cheeks. 

I pull my blankets tighter around me as I imagine your strong arms pulling me closer. I will never have that again. I will never tell you how I felt or how I still feel. Never can I hold your hand, kiss you, tell you how silly you are, or pretend to be upset with you just so you can hold me tight and whisper that you love me in my ear. I will never know if that's how you truly felt or how long you felt that way. Never will I know if the feelings were reciprocated or if it was all just an act. I guess I can have some hope. 

So many thoughts swirl around in my head deep late at night when I am supposed to be asleep. But one thought is predominant: you. I know that I should be trying to sleep. You always went to sleep early. I got into a habit of that too. But since us, I haven't been myself. I feel lost, like I'm trapped in the middle of an ongoing cycle. It's hard to keep my tears in as I pass you in the hallways. It's hard to keep my voice quiet when I see you enter a room. It's hard to be mad at you when I see the smile on your face when we aren't together. It's difficult not to approach you and just talk to you like we did when we were friends. I wish we still could be but that seems doubtful. This isn't easy but it's hope that keeps me going. Hope that we can at least be friends. Hope that we can have a conversation. Hope that I can make it through a full night or an entire meal. So I roll onto my side and close my eyes, the last thing I remember is seeing the clock read 2:41 and hoping that you're awake thinking of me like I am thinking of you. 

 -Jennifer Kurack