When death's the only thing you haven't tried.

A Story by Unknown19

This is for all the people who feel or who have felt useless to life.

When death’s the only thing you haven’t tried
written by Unknown

They say nothing is more precious than life and that being alive is a gift we should all cherish, that life is a wrapped up free gift to you and all you should do is unwrap it and release the beautiful things that are coming. But what is a gift to be cherished when you feel like you are the wrapped element and life isn’t capable to unwrap you out of your misery because all the beautiful things faded along with the happiness you once had as a child? “I hate my life” you say and no one understands how, you look exactly the same as everyone else so what makes you so different? Most people think you’re just a normal teenager with a great life, with no responsibilities, and not a care in the world. There is no way you could have a hard life… Right? There is no way you could suffer from depression or anxiety or any other mental disorder. You always walk around with a smile on your face and there is absolutely no way you would ever want to hurt anyone and especially not yourself... Right? Wrong, no one ever questions a big smile on your face, no one sees past it, no one knows how you really feel if you choose to hide it. Me, I chose to hide it, all I wanted was to go to sleep, a sleep like death, where I do not wake up and live in the dreams I was able to control myself. All I wanted was to just let go from whatever was waking me up everyday, I didn’t even want a life of paradise where I floated on clouds, just an endless sleep. “Family, Friends”, the two words that came up every time death was a sweet temptation that I never explored because I had obligations to this current world I hold onto, and I still do. That was my dilemma and it couldn’t have been more difficult.

“Will I make it to 16?” I asked myself everyday. Self-destruction is on your mind and is not leaving your thoughts. You wake up in your bed the next day from a nightmare, how you were found on the floor of your room still alive but bruised all around and you think rats! You'll do better next time, but you don’t because your biggest problem is your surroundings as many people don't know what it is to feel the desperation of our sorrow. To feel a single gap of emptiness in our hearts and that agonizing moment in your life. A tragedy to remember where many just talk without knowing the real pain. They think we're just over exaggerating our grief, but it's not like that. This gloom is taking over making us almost life less and we no longer see the positive in things, no longer the feel of hope we once had. It almost feels as if no one is there to listen for our cries of help, as if it was our own faults. Yet things just happen and it's what reality feels like. Where those who don't understand need to stop trying to put themselves in our shoes as this is something we would never wish upon anyone. For those that love to tease us need to stop trying to weaken us. We already know what we look like. We try to smile for the rest of you just as if nothing has happened and is happening in our sad heads. This is a serious feel so please don't play with our emotions. For those that do know, don't let this bring you down. Out of all that darkness that we have trapped inside there is a single radiant spark twinkling around. Giving us a bit of hope, giving you a bit of hope. You may sometimes feel like carrying this shadow around will become a way of life but this is where you are mistaken as you are the one carrying it and all you need to do is to let it go, somehow.

This is not a pity note or some kind of inspirational short story you’re meant to read and feel like a different person afterwards. This is honesty, this is an honest note coming from someone who knows what it feels like to feel empty, to feel like you’re always surrounded by people yet you feel lonely all the time. Someone who’s felt like whatever you do doesn’t interest anyone in your life, like if you do negative or positive actions it wouldn’t matter because either way, nobody cares. Like you could leave your house for a night or two and no one would even ask where you’re heading and then it’s like you could leave this world for an eternity and people would still not be bothered to ask a single question. I was only 9 year olds when I started feeling like my whole world was turning upside down, like everything I loved was being taken away from me, like the people i loved started giving up on me and making me feel useless at everything on a daily basis. My family is a mess, we have people dying every year from diseases such as cancer, we have financial, communication, life, love, health problems, anything you can think of. Since that very young age, I was involved in these problems, I always felt like I had to take care of everything and fix many things other people couldn’t. Wether it was with my friends, sister, parents, boyfriends, best friends etc… It was always me, I was given many responsibilities but it didn’t bother me until I grew up and noticed how many things people my age were enjoying that I missed out on for the sake of other people’s happiness. However that wasn’t what upset me, it was the fact that my actions were unnoticeable, like everything I ever did for everyone was inexistent. I had lost my best friend, the person I loved more than anyone on this planet, 2 of my uncles and a very close friend of mine passed away. By the age of 12, I was moved into a new school away from the people I spent more than three quarters of my life with. Although it seems like it wasn’t a big deal, it really was, seeing different people everyday, new teachers, new friends, new surroundings, new classrooms, new, well, everything. That year I missed out on a lot, my parents noticed how unhappy I was so they moved me back to my old school. When I came back, the first thing that happened to me was being separated from my best friends and also losing one. Before that, my sibling had a lot of personal problems we dealt with together which affected both of our lives more than I can explain. Coming back to my old school, many things had changed including myself. I met someone who helped me get through a lot in my life including feeling useless to this life, like I had to go away for good. I would go up to my own roof and stand on the edge every night for a couple of months with my eyes filled up with dried tears from the night before along with the tears from the night itself. It got to a point where I was preparing my goodbye speeches to the people I know loved and cared for me. But that is the thing that I took a while to process “the people who loved and cared for me”. There is always someone, even if it is someone you haven’t met yet, someone will eventually come into your life and make you feel like your existence has value. That same person who helped me get through a lot in my life made me think I was in love with him but then cheated on me and still made me feel like I was in love with him. I became insecure, negative all the time, ungrateful and the biggest pessimist you could ever meet. I was broken and it felt unfixable. The year after that, I had lost people in my life again and started seeing people’s true colors and then came this year where I also saw people’s true colors but also realized who the true and honest people in my life were. My best friends who I’ve always considered my brother and sisters have always been there throughout everything in my life and nothing would’ve been possible without them being by my side every second of my life. I started dating a person who reminds me what happiness feels like again, who makes me feel like myself again, who makes me feel like I have a purpose in this world. That person taught me what love really is through action and words. I became less insecure and more grateful for the good things I have in my life, even the bad. I thought that I was scarred for life but my scars have healed and so will yours one day. This was my story in extremely brief details because as a writer, I wish to be honest with my readers hoping that it will help.

But what shall you do with this last precious day which remains in your keeping? Stop wasting a moment mourning yesterday's misfortunes, yesterday's defeats, yesterday's heart aches and yesterdays undone actions. Just stop and think for a second. Will the sun ever set where it rises and rise where it sets? Can you go back to yesterday to fix the mistakes you have committed? Can you take back a bad night because of unwanted thoughts you wish you didn’t have? Can you undo the things you said yesterday? No, Yesterday is buried forever and so are all the mistakes you’ve done. I say live everyday as if it’s your last. Forget yesterday and no longer think of tomorrow. Because tomorrow’s deeds will not be completed in today’s path, tomorrow’s unborn child will not live today, tomorrow’s sky will not look the same as yesterday’s, tomorrow’s dreams might be different than yesterday’s. Tomorrow lies buried with yesterday so don’t think of it anymore. This is all you have and these hours are now your eternity. You should instead appreciate this sunrise with cries of joy as a trapped human being who is still alive. You should lift your arms with thanks for this priceless gift of a new day. Why? Because you are indeed a lucky human and today's hours are an undeserved gift to you. Why have you been allowed to live this extra day when others far better than you, have passed on? Is it that they have accomplished their purpose while yours is yet to be achieved? Is this another opportunity for you to become the person you know you can be? You only have one life and you only live once, not in the cheesy way that teenagers use to define their crazy drunken nights. In the only way it really means, you only have one chance to become who you want to be, do the things you dream of doing and be happy. Life is measured with time so if you waste today, you are technically destroying the last page of your life. Therefore, each hour of this day you should appreciate and take advantage of as you will never get them back. You simply cannot pause on your desire just like you can never trap the wind when you are too cold. Instead, you should destroy procrastination with action, bury all the doubt you hold onto under faith and all your fears you should separate with your confidence. So dear reader, I hope that one day you will let go of the shadow you are carrying so just hold on because you will find the true person you are to become.

Personal note:

Today I’ve made it to 16, I have let go of the shadow I was carrying around with me and I have found my true self again. My story might not be anything compared to yours, probably because I haven’t really talked about it with complete words and sentences. Or, it might be much more than what you’ve been through but that doesn’t matter. Each and every one of us goes through as much as they can handle and each and every one of us handles things differently. However, everything in life passes because things happen and life goes on. I started realizing that everything does actually happen for a reason and whatever has happened and will happen in your life will come to an end. It’s up to you to make that ending a good one or not.

“ It’s alright to die cause death’s the only thing you haven’t tried but just for tonight, hold on” -Ed Sheeran

© 2017 Unknown19

Author's Note

I hope you read this with care and tell me what you think and feel of it afterwards.

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Featured Review

rickm97

Well done, young lady.
You're finding out early that life can indeed be very hard and very soul-wrenching.
Yes, we ALL have a purpose in this life, sometimes it just takes a while to discover it.
I'm still searching for mine, but I won't give up.
Don't you either. There is so much good and joy in life, and someday you will see that it offsets the bad.
I lost a sister to suicide, and all that did was relieve herself of her pain, and put it on us. We didn't have a clue as to the darkness that was inside of her. She hid it very well.
But us normal folks can't read minds; if you need help, ask for it. Please.

Carry on with your writing. Let the darkness ride out of your heart and out of your soul on the wave of words that you write, and it will make room for the light.

And make it to 17.