Outsider

A Poem by XinHyun

just angry.

I kept lying to myself
trying to say
"it's going to get better"
all I'm trying to hide,
is that I have no family.

"I've got God and I've got him."
Translation turns out to be
"You're all I got.
at home, I'm nothing."

It's been going on and on,
for a little over 16 years.
The yelling,
the hitting,
all the fighting. . .

The fact is that,
you are not the God of my world.

You and me
there's no understanding.
You speak one language
and I speak another.
My half-sister speaks bitterly.
My step-dad's the same way.

I don't know what you want me to do.
I can't fix this family on my own.
I'm only sixteen. I'm only one girl.
I try my best at being your daughter.
I make mistakes
and become human.

But you know?
I am human. YOU are human.
I make mistakes and I know you do too.
You used to hit me instead of yell.
I miss those days.
You could be in jail right now.
Instead you stay next to me,
whispering how much I disappoint you.

Now, all we can do is smile and wave.
We're strangers in this household.
I say "thank you"
and you show gratitude.
Formality makes this family.

From birth we made no family.
There was no dad to lean on,
there was no mom to confide in,
and my half-sister was filled with jealousy.

Before all this,
This half-sister of mine
was the only key I had
to a family. Turns out,
she only ever hated me.

We are all outsiders
of our forsaken family.
Memory upon memory
to be filled with agony. . .
Just laugh I guess,
Fill my mind with illusions
and dreams.

It's a messed up world,
and I know I'm not the only one suffering.
I know I have less misery than the next.
But it still hurts. No matter how small.
Having no family, pains me.

. . .

Give me something to work with here.