Embracing Today

I chased a shadow of a cloud
slide north across a green field
In the silence of early afternoon
I wished I could grab its rim,
get carried to a castle
seated writing behind a slanted desk
Out the arched window,
a calm sea full of ships
sun melting into the horizon
But I am mortal
and the weight of gravity constant
So for today
I'll breathe in the scent of nearby magnolias
Lie against cool earth
Below white clouds, pale blue sky
Below sun drenched trees
their shivering leaves falling around me like rain.

Reviews

[audrie]

I'm the type of person who always worries about the future and dwells on the past mistakes that I have made. I have been trying embrace each day and live in the moment. I know that by doing that I would be opening up quite a bit of space in my world to be filled with wonderful things.

[JenniferMarie]

Definitely. You know there are many blessings in each day we just have to recognize it. There is a lot to be grateful for :) thank you for your comment. I really appreciate it.

[Buddhistboy73]

I like the way this piece develops...and takes the reader on a journey...."So for today, I'll breathe in ...."
"their shivering leaves ..."

A great emotional write...:)

BB

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you Budd. I appreciate your comment :)

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

This is very deep, you put some thought into this one, it show's.
Its filled with emotion, written from your heart, and its quite beautiful.
Great write i enjoyed the read :)

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you Cimmy. I appreciate your comment and glad you enjoyed it. Look forward to reading your work as well.

Happy writing

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

your most welcome :)
I look forward to ur reviews :)
You too

[Thaddius]

Like the imagery. Change slide to 'sliding' in line 2. The line 'get carried to a castle, seated writing behind a slanted desk' is a bit awkward. You are being carried, and now you have to find a way to get behind the desk, seated sounds like you are forced, and its so close to writing that its bizarre. Passive and active voices clash. Again, strong visuals

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it. Will consider your suggestions when editing.

[JenniferMarie]

accidentally tapped on this comment button and its demanding i type something sorry

[Chris]

I paused here this morning. Read it aloud several times - thought a bit. The first time through my mind paused at "slide" - the first and second line don't tie well.

The beginning felt jumpy - sort of disjointed ...but from "But I am mortal" to the end - the flow was smooth and musical. It feels incomplete, like it is lacking a final line - least to me.

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you Chris. Youre probably spot on. I love your reviews bc you say what you think. I am not sensitive at all. I want to know the good points and especially the bad points so that I can edit. If someone says this is rubbish I love it. I want to do better.

I plan to edit. This was a bit of a ramble but a moment where I was truly daydreaming. I just need to craft it now. I think we can all free write and then we mold it to become true poetry.

Maybe I'm wrong but thats how i feel. I believe in free write. then edit.

Thank you!
Jen

[Chris]

I do bite, but not meanly. I also believe in free writing - it IS how I write.

[JenniferMarie]

its a needed nibble i think

[JenniferMarie]

how can we grow without

[Chris]

always ask the hard questions...we already know the answers to the easy ones.

[JenniferMarie]

very true.

[JenniferMarie]

very true and appreciated.

[parkerjeslick]

Paints a very clear and colorful picture! Strong details set the mood and environment well.

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you Parker. :) I very much appreciate your comment.

[parkerjeslick]

Any time! I'm definitely looking forward to reading some more of your work!

[JenniferMarie]

Thanks Parker. Means a lot. I look forward to reading your work as well.

Happy writing.

[Saddam]

a calm sea full of ships
sun melting into the horizon
But I am mortal
A quite well written poem about the nature. I like natural poems, and this is one of them. Very nicely penned dear... thanks.

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you Ssadd. I'm glad you enjoyed it and very much appreciate your comment.

[Saddam]

you are welcome dear...my pleasure.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i like the atmosphere of this, and what an evironment that would be in which to write..."out the arched window" love it.

two spots...second line did you mean "slid north"? and 13th line maybe "I'll breathe in the scent"?


actually i like where you ended up writing, in the poem...one with nature, one with the pen...

there is some gorgeous imagery in this.

[JenniferMarie]

Thank you Jacob. I'm glad you enjoyed the atmosphere here. You know, I agree, at the end of the day just being outside in nature is wonderful thing. :)

You are correct. Thank you for suggesting. I will be revising.

Thanks again for your review. I very much appreciate it.

[Frieda P]

This is absolutely luverly, great imagery, I love the thought of your reality, it's just as enchanting as your cloud chasing dreams.

[JenniferMarie]

Thanks so much Frieda. I appreciate you comment and am glad you enjoyed the poem.

Happy writing,
Jennifer

[Frieda P]

My pleasure I enjoyed your scented magnolias. :-)

[JenniferMarie]

:) They do smell lovely.