Taking Chances

free write for now ...

I walked into another one of Ben’s fancy business parties.  My chestnut hair cascading down and resting just past my shoulders onto my plummeting Stella McCartney jumpsuit. I had thought of wearing a dress, but that seemed so obvious and besides I like being comfortable.  My green eyes accented with golden eye shadow searched the room aimlessly for someone that I knew. 

 

“Olivia, why don’t you go and see if David’s wife Carol is here.” 

 

Carol a women who never has anything to say except to talk about other people.  I cringe.  I understand that people do that to make themselves feel better about their own lives, but I still find it so unnecessary. 

 

“Darling,” Ben pats me on my head like he always does as if I’m a child or subordinate of some sort. “Go on, go and mingle.  You can’t just sit here all night next to boring old me.  Go have fun.” 

 

Carol approaches me as Ben turns to talk to another guest.  Her arms stretched forth before she gets to me, ready to embrace “Olivia, look at you!?  You look beautiful.  Have you lost weight?  You must have.  You were looking a little, well, you know, but I figured it was just that you were happy, you know because of the engagement.”

 

 I just smiled and said “Thank you. Yes, I’ve been happy.”  When I said that word happy I felt something come over me.  A knot in my stomach, that feeling that I remember Joel Osteen saying one day on the television.  That knot that he said was a sign that something wasn’t right.  Why did I feel that, I’m happy right?  I needed some fresh air, “Carol, let’s step outside. It’s such a nice evening.” 

 

Carol continues to ramble on as we move past the crowd and outside to the foyer.  “Olivia, are you listening?  I asked how’s Ben?  Are you alright?” 

 

I said yes, but maybe the expression on my face said otherwise.  “Yes, I’m fine.”  I say pushing out a jovial smile.  “Maybe I just need a moment. I think it was the shrimp cocktail it made me a little uneasy.” 

 

“Ya, of course.”  She says looking at me as if she’s already conjuring up a new fabrication about me.  “I really should be getting back to David.  He’s probably boring the crowd with all of his sailing stories.”

 

How can people be bored with sailing stories?  I’d love to sail somewhere, somewhere away from here.  She walks away and I could’ve sworn I overheard her saying that I must be pregnant. 

 

I looked across the room at Ben and felt empty.  I know Ben’s a catch.  People saw him as the real cherry on top of my life.  Just thinking of him brought that jingle to every women’s mind in town, ‘Who could ask for anything more.’ Those women aren’t entirely wrong, but have you ever met someone that was just not right for you?  With Ben and I there was a disconnect.  A long pause at the dinner table, series of uncomfortable silences.  We lacked passion and I can’t go on the rest of my life ignoring it.  I know that people do that, but that life just didn’t seem right for me.  Does that make me a bad person?  All of these irritating thoughts entered my mind.  Thoughts I’ve tried to suppress time and time again. He had to feel it too, right? 

 

“Hey Liv, this is James a new partner at our firm.  James this is my Olivia.  She’s something isn’t she”

 

I never understood why he referred to me as ‘my Olivia’ as if I were his property, a full bred, prize winning, show puppy.  “Hello James, congratulations on your success.” 

 

“Thank you, Olivia.” 

 

“I heard about your new case sounds exciting.”  I didn’t mind the idle chatter.  It beats the alternative. 

            The drive home began mundane, “The party was nice, Carol was very nice to you I thought, wasn’t she?”

 

“Yes, well she did speak to me so that is nice.” 

 

“The food was superb, don’t you think?” 

 

“Mmmhmmm” I had really wanted to wait until the morning to tell Ben what I was feeling, about the disconnect and all.  I had been dropping hints for a long time, but I know that men never really get it.  They need the bottom line and all the tippy toeing around the issue I had been doing for the last year wasn’t working. The nerves and what if’s set in.  I mean I could be terribly wrong.  I look out the window chin just a bit down and it happened, “I’ve just been thinking…a lot.” 

 

“Well, don’t go hurting your head Liv. Although, I must admit you are so cute when you’re upset.” 

 

“Well, Ben, it’s serious.”  I say turning to look him in the eye.  “I don’t want to marry you.”  “You are a wonderful man, but we have nothing in common.  I know that you feel it too.” 

 

“What I’m feeling is that you need to get some rest.  You’ll feel better in the morning.” 

 

“That’s just it.  I won’t.  I won’t feel better because this, us, we aren’t for each other and as hard as it is for me to say I know that I’m speaking my truth and I know that it’s the right thing to do, for the both of us.”  I was wishing that I had waited at least until we were parked and could properly discuss the inevitable break-up, but that’s just how it happened.  I don’t know if there is ever a right place or time to have that kind of conversation. 

 

“You’re making a big mistake, you know that Olivia.” Ben says narcissistically as he checks himself out in the rear view mirror. 

 

We arrive at his place and I hand him the ring, the key and I say good-bye.  I walked away towards my car and I rub my eyes checking for tears, but there weren’t any.  I get into my car two hands on the steering wheel thinking, seriously.  Did I really just do that?  I did.  I did it.  I suddenly felt like a bird out of a cage.