Chapter 2

“Are you ready?” It’s my father’s voice, and I know he is talking to me, but he sounds so far away.

      “Are you ready?” He asks again. I turn around to look at him.  He looks very handsome in his tuxedo.

 I have always thought my father was handsome.  He also thinks he is handsome, and often says to me, “Must be tough having a dad this good looking.”  He isn’t that good looking, but handsome all the same.  He smells of cologne and soap. I love that smell.  I take a deep breath and try to catch more of it, but the stench of my hairspray gets in the way.   He takes my hand and in the instant his hand touches mine, I am washed through with sadness. My hands have gotten too big. They don’t fit right anymore.  I am so homesick.  It seems a little late to be homesick, given that I haven’t actually lived at home for many years.  I look at him and I have the sudden urge to crawl in his lap and take a nap.  Of course, that would look ridiculous, a grown woman in a puffy white dress and veil, climbing into her father’s arms.  I want it just the same.

     I don’t know what I’m homesick for, exactly.  This is the best day of my life.  Just minutes ago I was bursting with excitement.  As I stand on the edge of the cliff, ready to jump into the deep, turbulent waters of womanhood, my stomach flips and my mind tells me to step away from the edge and go find your daddy.   The child in me panics.  All I have wanted since I can remember was to be grown-up.  I have pretended, dreamed, and planned my wedding day since long before I even liked boys.  I have thought about how it would feel to take that plunge for years.  As it child, it seemed exciting and mysterious and adventurous.  Now that the day is actually here, it seems much scarier.  All the same, I guess it’s time to jump.

    “Are you really sure?” My father asks me.  He has put too much emphasis on the word ‘really’ and it annoys me. I don’t know why I’m annoyed, exactly, but I am.  His words have rattled me. I scan the room, looking for a way to anchor myself and find my footing again.  The word ‘really’ is ricocheting in my head.  Everything my eye catches offer no support- my doll collection, the plaque commemorating my birth on the wall, my Raggedy Anne comforter from childhood.  These are all things of childhood.  The child inside panics and screams, ‘Yes they are!  Look around! This is where you belong. This is your home. Don’t go!’  The woman is shaking her head and thinking, ‘This is ridiculous. You haven’t been a child for years.   Find something to hold onto and get your footing back, damn it. You are wasting time.’

     I turn and catch my own reflection in the mirror, a woman-child in a big white dress.  The reflection looks back at me, serene, ready, excited.  We lock eyes and she quiets the child.  My free hand falls to the side of my dress and I can feel the weight and stiffness of the fabric and the cold knobs of small pearls under my fingers.  “It’s perfect.” I hear myself say. “This is perfect.” I can feel myself breathe. It feels like the first time I have taken a breath all day and the breath settles me.  I am calm.  I am ready.

       “You know, until you walk down that aisle, it isn’t too late.  If you decide right now you don’t want to go through with it, you say the word. I’ll take care of everything.”  I turn to give my father my best ‘daddy you are ridiculous’ look because I think he is joking.  One look at his face lets me know that he’s serious.  Two seconds ago, the child would have run into his arms, but the woman is in control of things now.

“You have got to be freaking kidding me.  I am standing here in the dress!”  Outwardly, I am ticked off.  Inwardly, I am unsettled. Even deeper down, I think I feel relief, and then more unsettled at the relief.  There is something inside myself that I can’t quite explain that connects me to my father.  Perhaps it’s the same DNA that pulses though our every cell.  I can almost feel our bodies communicating now without our full awareness.  There is a sigh relief within every cell that after all this time spent in different bodies, there is still a connection.  I can feel it now, my heart sighing in relief.  It’s saying to the other set of cells, ‘even with all her smoke and mirrors, pretending and faking, you still see us.  She’s still figuring it out.  Keep an eye on us.  Keep us safe. Keep her safe-from herself .’  The part of my brain responsible for the smoke and mirrors says, ‘step away from those deep down dark spaces. There is nothing to see there.  It’s all fields of green and flowers in there.  Nothing for you to be worried about.  Go away now please.’ 

     “Daddy, knock it off! It’s not funny.”  His look is strange.  I think he felt it too.
We both feel like we just felt something we should pay attention to, but we can’t quite put our fingers on it. It unnerves us both and we give a simultaneous shutter to shake it off.   I turn away and look at reflection again so I can focus on the task at hand. Today is a happy day.

     Today is the day my dreams come true.  Ever since I was little, I have been very organized and methodical.  This included drafting a plan for my life: meet my one and only true love, go to college, get married, have two children- a girl and a boy- and live happily ever after. 

     I met my one and only true love right after high school.  He was mysterious, tanned, and handsome.  All the girls wanted him, but he had an eye for me.  This excited me, especially since I was the never the girl chosen out of a group.  At five foot two inches and ninety pounds soaking wet, with a huge mop of frizzy brown hair on top of my head, I am cute at best.  My best feature is my eyes, which are hazel with a yellow sunburst that circles the iris.  I have to stand almost nose-to-nose with someone for them to see the sunburst, so it isn’t exactly a head-turner type of feature.  Most guys don’t see a girl walking down the street and say, “Hey, did you see the irises on that girl?” I fell in love with him because he fell in love with me.

     From the beginning, our relationship has been big in every way, full of passion and pain.  We burn hot all the

time and it is exhilarating.  At first, this emotion often swept me under, leaving me tumbling and gasping for air, searching for my footing.  It was my drug. It is my drug.   Sometimes,  I often feel like I am in over my head. I sometimes think, ‘this might kill me it hurts so much. I can’t take much more.’  Yet, with every second that I don’t have it, I am shaking and empty, searching for the next fix.   I can’t get enough.  This is true love.   Strong. Intense. Addicting.

       My father looks at me once last time. He opens his mouth and shuts it again without saying anything.   “Stop it Daddy! You are being totally ridiculous!”  I smack him on the arm to let him know the conversation is over. The child is gone.  The woman is ready. She is ready for her next fix. He kisses my check. “All I ever wanted is for you to be happy.”    

“I know Daddy.  I am happy.  Really happy.”

“Save me a dance.” He says softly.  His mouth is smiling, but his eyes are sad.

“We’ve been practicing my whole life.  I can’t wait!” I stand on my tippy toes to kiss him on the cheek.  He bends down to take the kiss. I can smell him better. I close my eyes and take a deep breath in.

      The doors to the church swing open and I can hear Pacabel echoing through the church. It’s not the best marching music for a king, but it’s nice and sweet all the same.  I see him at the other end of the long, scarlet aisle.  He is smiling at me.  I am holding back tears. I can barely breathe.  It’s that intensity again, flipping me around, turning me upside down.  .  The ceremony blurs in tears and smiles.  My face hurts from smiling so much.  Everything is under water and in slow motion until I hear, “You may kiss the bride.”   He leans in to kiss me and says, “I love you.” In that moment, I know it will all be okay.  We will live happily ever after.

Reviews

[Callista-Jade]

Wow, I love the way you focused on the uneasy feeling she had, it really keeps the reader going! This is really good! I also like the way the woman and the child inside her are battling each other. Awesome!