To my 25 year old self~

I wrote this by request. It was interesting to do, and the use of YOU vs. WE, US and ARE were purposefully interchanged to make a point.

To my 25 year old self:

I am writing to you from your future.  We are now 41 years old.  We have done an amazing job with our life.  We have more friends than we can count, and not just acquaintances.  Friends that will drop everything and come wipe our tears when we are so grief stricken we can’t even answer our f*****g door.  These friends will pick us up from the side of the road if we are stranded, even at 2:00 the morning.  But here’s the thing, we rarely let them.  It’s hard for us to admit we can’t do it all.  We are still working on that. It has been a hard lesson for us.  We don’t always have to be strong and independent.  It doesn't serve us all the time.  So, start learning to let ourselves be helped.  Our friends need and want to give that to us.    

We have done a great job with our career.  We are known and respected in our field. Our reputation is flawless in the community and we are a sought out provider with county and state agencies, as well as the general public. We have worked hard to get here, and that is OK.  However, we need to learn to say no.  The joy we have from being a healer is diminished by how much we take on.  Again, we don’t have to be strong all the time. 

Girl, we are still s****y at managing our money.  Before we get into too much trouble, we need to learn how to save and live within our means.   We still want what we want when we want it.  Again, this doesn't serve us! 

This part is going to be hard to say.  But I want you to listen.  You need to realize your self-worth right now.  Do not wait until we are 40 years old to start believing we are worth something and that we don’t deserve everything we want and need!  We are not going to be a mom if you don’t leave him.  In five years, you will be 30.   At the beginning of 2004 we are going to be doing some trans-formative work and truly free yourself from the trauma of Bryan, and interestingly enough, the mentor who will do this with you is named Bryan.  You can’t imagine the freedom and peace that comes with this work.  You will no longer be in pain or suffer from our abuse.   

In addition, by witnessing the birth of Grant, you are going to want to have a baby again very badly.  And there is going to be a chance to leave your marriage.  You need to take it.  This is a critical point in our life.  If you chose not to, you will never be a mom.  It’s your choice, but if you don’t leave then, you will be sealing our fate.   Of course there are going to be wonderful years to follow if you stay but this is a choice point for us.  With your eyes wide open, you need to pick the road that makes sense, the one that is right for us.  Do not be afraid, even though I know you are terrified.  It’s OK to be scared.   I know you are afraid of being alone and starting over, it is OK.  Have faith in us.   We are going to have to start over one way or another.   

Maybe we had to go down this path and suffer all of this pain to get where we are.  Maybe the journey we have taken is the one we were supposed to take.  But whatever choice you make, start learning to accept all parts of us.  Even the vulnerable and soft parts of us that are not always strong. Let us cry more.  There will be years ahead that we don’t even shed a tear because we fear our vulnerability.  Let this part of us shine along with our strength.  This is a tough lesson to learn.  We will always be blessed with the people around us.  We continue throughout our life to attract the people in our life that we need at that time, for that reason, for that season.  Trust the people who come and trust us.  

We always know Jennesis.  We always know. 

Love,

Me

 

Reviews

[Renvek]

Howdy,
This is a very powerful letter and I can really see a glimpse of your life. Thanks for sharing it. I read several of your poems and I can see how this is a release for you to face your past and conquer it. I can also sense that you are similar to me in that writing is a way to relieve the stress that is difficult to face and do it in an environment that gives you the safety to be yourself without judgment.
This is also a lesson that so many young ladies need to hear. It reminds me of the saying 'too soon old, too late wisdom.' (Not saying we are old by the way ;) )
Take care of yourself.
Renvek

[Jennesis]

Wow thank you so much Renvek! Yes the writing is such a stress release. I'm looking forward to reading some of your work. I wish there were more hours in the day. 😄

[Jerome F Knox III pseud..]

this piece covered the spectrum ranging from regret, pain to everything in between. This was probably one of your strongest pieces of writing thus far where the reader can see and feel your vulnerability mixed with lessons learned. very well done

[Jennesis]

Thank you Rico. Your feedback is always appreciated and helpful. I am grateful for you