Revenge comes with short red hair_Sickness in Death

A Chapter by Kat

Emika.

As I open my eyes to another Tuesday morning, the same disturbing thoughts enter my head like they have for the past three years. Why did John kill Kora and Kokoshi? Why, out of all the people in this world, did my step-father kill my brother and sister? How could someone, anyone, do that to two autistic three year olds, then try coming after a thirteen year old, in their sleep!?

A sick, twisted, nasty, rotten. . . FREAK! But the question that has plagued my mind for the past three years is this, when John came for me, and he couldn’t get into my room without making noise, and he couldn’t get that cold, long knife around my sleeping throat. And when I woke up and gut him with the kitchen knife he didn't know I slept with, why in God’s name, when the light left his eyes, did he say my best friends name?

“You know. . . Kai . . . don't you . . . Em?” He had said, in between ragged dying breaths. “Because I know. . . Kai . . . she helped-” and with that he left the world ruining three lives for the price of two others. Mine. My mothers. And my best friends. Kai. Her life especially, because when I get the chance, I am going to do . . . something. I am going to show her how much like John she made me by killing Kora and Kokoshi. I promise you that Kai. It’s going to be the worst thing anyone has ever done to you. Worse than your parent’s deaths, I’ll tell you that now.

You were too young to comprehend that a killer had broken into your house, shot and hung your parents. But not me, oh no no no no, I was thirteen when that happened, I was old enough to know that my life was over. And these last three years I have been doing constant research trying to find a way to bring you crumbling down. Now I've turned sixteen and can carry out my plans, phase by phase, driving you mad. Everything and anything I do to you from here on out will stick to you like Kora and Kokoshi’s blood stuck to John's hands, and like Johns did to mine.

I know just how to get to you. To traumatise, humiliate and outcast you. I'll start with the ones you love most. Getting to everyone around you until you go insane.

But I can’t do this without giving an explanation to my adoptive parents, Kit and Mike. After the incident they put me in foster care because they had found my mums meth lab in our garage, about a year later Kit looked at my forms and decided he wanted me as his daughter. Three months later he married Mike and bought an apartment in the Gold Coast in Australia, close to where I used to live because they wanted me to always have a strong connection to my dead siblings.

I rolled out of bed and walked into the bathroom and stared at my reflection. The girl in the mirror had long deep red hair that goes down to her waist and bright blue eyes, framed by naturally dark eyelashes. My snow white skin glowed against the morning light. I was so different against Kit's smooth chocolate colour, when we went out together people just naturally assumed I was adopted. I'm going to genuinely miss those times. I step out of my clothes and stand for a second.

I turn the shower to full heat and step in, grateful for the warm water covering my freezing toes. In a matter of minutes I am out of the shower and dressed in my favourite blue shirt and black shorts along with some black boots.

I walked over to my dresser and took out a book and pen I wrote:

Kit and Mike,

Thank you both for everything

I will forever hold your hands,

Emika Burns, your daughter.

Using their last name was the least I could do considering the circumstances. I fold the paper and put it on my dresser.

I think of Ari, and how much I love him, and how much he will have to endure, but I know he will understand and forgive me. He will only have to play my games for a little while. Then he can join me, and if he doesn’t understand, he can join me by force. I think about his blonde hair, and his blue eyes, so much more dull then my own.

Then I remember how one time behind the gym block Kai's boyfriend Niko had kissed me, and I think about how much killing him will hurt Kai and that she deserves it, and I relish in the thought of her tears.

I retrieve my phone from the charging point in my wall and send two texts out. One to Niko,

Emika: Don't be afraid, you'll be the first to join me, in my fun little game, you will play with me.

His response came pretty quickly,

Niko: Em? What do you mean? If you want to start what we had going last year, I don't think I can do that behind Kai's back again...

Ah yes, I forgot about our little cheating scandal. I let my phone forget him and move on to Ari's number and sent him a text,

Emika: Don't be afraid, you'll see me soon, you won’t have to play my games. I love you.

His reply came lightning fast,

Arialthemermaid: Babe? What do you mean? You’re scaring me. I love you too, Mikki.

I laughed at his name, I forgot I had changed it. Then laughed at the new nickname he had given me. Mikki? As in, like, Mikki Mouse? Ha-ha. How cute.

I moved away from my phone and went to get the rope ready. I fumbled under my bed for a minute before grasping the rope I had put there the day earlier. Stumbling over to the window in the corner of my room, I untied the nots in the rope and leaned through the window into the open air. Just as I had suspected there was an iron rod, strong and sturdy, jutting out of the wall above me. I carefully grabbed the end of the rope and tied it to the rod, making sure there was a little length left and tied the rope again in a loop. I fit the rope around my head and lifted myself from the windowsill.

What happened next was fuzzy. I can remember maybe a purple kind of substance wrapping around my body in a completely blue space. Then a voice loud and very obnoxious.

“YOU HAVE COME HERE SEEKING MY HELP, CHILD?” it said. It sounded male but it definitely wasn’t human. Although I knew it wouldn’t be human it was still a shock to hear how fake and robotic it sounded. I wasn’t expecting it to sound…. Animalistic I guess. “Yes, I need your help getting revenge on someone who destroyed my life,” I said. I had to sound confident otherwise I would be sent to whatever comes after death, which in my case, would probably be something like Hell. Maybe. Probably. “WHY DO YOU THINK I WOULD EVER HELP A WEAK LITTLE MORTAL GIRL SUCH AS YOURSELF?” the voice exclaimed.

“Uh, weak mortal girl? I am not a weak- wait, you said I was mortal? Like you’re not mortal.”

“HA. NO CHILD I AM NOT MORTAL, BUT YOU ARE, SO, GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDN’T KILL YOU FOR TRYING TO SEEK MY HELP WITHOUT A PROPER BARGAIN.”

“I do have a bargain!” I shouted and reached into the pocket of my shorts and pulled out a vile of my blood that I had cut out of my arm three days ago and hid in my cupboard so Kit and Michael wouldn’t find it. I wonder if they’ve found my body yet. I doubt it Kit never comes in my room and Michael was kind of more interested in my grades so they won’t check on me until after school. Poor parents. I handed out the vile of blood in front of my face, and it vanished in a cloud of black smoke.

“VERY WELL. WHAT DO YOU NEED?” the voice said.

“I’ll tell you but I want to know your name and I’m sure you want to know mine. I’m Emika.” I said, I may as well know who Mr Obnoxious is right?

“I HAVE MANY NAMES BUT YOU MAY CALL ME……” then he rambled out a lot of random noises and words in another language.

“Yeahhh imma stick with Death, it seems more your style.”

“WHAT? HOW DARE YOU! MY NAME IS SACRED, I WILL SMITE YOU CHILD!”

“No, you won’t, because I’ve given you my blood and if you know of this or not, accepting my blood means that you’re in my service, so yeah I will stick with death, it seems more your style.” Wow that took a lot of strength I can’t believe I just said that. But I did, and now Death belongs to me, so I will use him against Kai. Even if that means hurting everyone else.

next chapter

© 2019 Kat

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emipoemi

This is an interesting concept. A great start. But it has its flaws, and I will go through each one in detail.

For starters, there are grammar and spelling errors especially throughout the first few paragraphs: regarding apostrophes in the wrong place (before the "s" if the noun is singular, after the "s" if plural, eg: "parent's" means one "of one parent" whereas "parents' " means "of both parents"); comma splices, no punctuation where there should be; new paragraphs and separate indications to distinguish narrative from dialogue/texts; "vial" not "vile" (that means "mean/gross"), etc. Check the grammar, spelling, and structure. Also, saying "three year old" (which actually should be interspersed with hyphens to be grammatically correct) followed by "thirteen-year-old" is awkward, and since "thirteen" appears again later, better simply to say "toddler" and "preteen" in the sentence in question.

Now for the story: It has a very powerful opening two paragraphs that set the scene beautifully, but leave out key details, or sometimes you say to much when you could easily describe the proceedings in a more concise and far more powerful/engaging manner (refer to the second paragraph for this point). But key details that need to be described more in detail are in order of dire necessity:

- Why was the mother's life ruined after the incident? There is a mention that she had a meth lab, which essentially implies she took to drugs afterwards, but there's no confirmation.

- Be careful with changing subjects mid-sentence without any clear antecedents. It's way too confusing and mars the flow of you story. You do this a few times in this chapter, most notably when you mention that Kai was too young to remember her parents' hanging, then say that Em wasn't too young to remember "that", which you want to mean when John came in try and kill her, but given the place of it, and the flow of the sentence it actually means the hanging of Kai's parents, which is odd because, if Kai is Em's best friend, wouldn't they be the same age? Another time you commit this faux-pas is when you mention that "they" found the mother's meth lab. Who's "they"? There might a couple of other places where you do this, just be aware of them, and try to smooth them out.

- What is John's relationship to Em? I deduce he's a stepfather, but this needs to be clarified in this chapter or the readers would get severely lost as to why he's close with the family, and why he's named rather than referred to as a father, AND (as a separate unanswered question) why Em would be sleeping with a knife.

- If Kai is Em's best friend, why would she immediately trust a man who presumedly she was sleeping with a knife to fend herself against in case he ever tried to attack her for whatever reason? First of all, it's like she already had an inkling about his character and always sought protection for herself during the night, which begs the question why she couldn't talk to her mother about it. All the more reason why we NEED to know a good deal more about the mother and how John relates to everyone. But back to Em's immediate trust in John, think about it, if someone came to you and said that your best friend helped him do some heinous deed against you, you would balk first, and try to piece it all together, even go Hamlet on them and try to catch them in some act of suspicious secrecy before diving in for revenge. There was no precedent for Em's lust for revenge. You DO mention that there was a cheating scandal, but that might be a good revelation as to why she might seek the revenge, since she might have figured out that Kai had figured out the scandal and retaliated. Without anything to go from, it's like Em just killed John and turned into a monster with the thirst for more blood, and just wanted to attack Kai because she was the last name mentioned before she went blind with a frenzy. Don't lose your readers. Guide them. Make the story smooth and with at least some common sense.

- Which brings me to the last point: there's nothing mentioned or implied to a sufficient degree that in order to execute her revenge she had to kill herself. When she meets "Death" she acts like she doesn't know that this was what she had planned all along (which it was, since she was prepared with the vial of blood).

So, again, you can imply things and keep readers guessing, but the characters should know what they're about or else you don't have a good story. But this IS a great start, and I am hooked. You just need to fix up some MAJOR points before you continue (and I would suggest you also revise the other three chapters before I take a look at them, in case some of these comments apply there too).

Good luck, and keep writing! For your work is great and engaging, but your flaws and plotholes mar the beauty of it all.

Posted 5 Years Ago

This is an interesting concept. A great start. But it has its flaws, and I will go through each one in detail.

For starters, there are grammar and spelling errors especially throughout the first few paragraphs: regarding apostrophes in the wrong place (before the "s" if the noun is singular, after the "s" if plural, eg: "parent's" means one "of one parent" whereas "parents' " means "of both parents"); comma splices, no punctuation where there should be; new paragraphs and separate indications to distinguish narrative from dialogue/texts; "vial" not "vile" (that means "mean/gross"), etc. Check the grammar, spelling, and structure. Also, saying "three year old" (which actually should be interspersed with hyphens to be grammatically correct) followed by "thirteen-year-old" is awkward, and since "thirteen" appears again later, better simply to say "toddler" and "preteen" in the sentence in question.

Now for the story: It has a very powerful opening two paragraphs that set the scene beautifully, but leave out key details, or sometimes you say to much when you could easily describe the proceedings in a more concise and far more powerful/engaging manner (refer to the second paragraph for this point). But key details that need to be described more in detail are in order of dire necessity:

- Why was the mother's life ruined after the incident? There is a mention that she had a meth lab, which essentially implies she took to drugs afterwards, but there's no confirmation.

- Be careful with changing subjects mid-sentence without any clear antecedents. It's way too confusing and mars the flow of you story. You do this a few times in this chapter, most notably when you mention that Kai was too young to remember her parents' hanging, then say that Em wasn't too young to remember "that", which you want to mean when John came in try and kill her, but given the place of it, and the flow of the sentence it actually means the hanging of Kai's parents, which is odd because, if Kai is Em's best friend, wouldn't they be the same age? Another time you commit this faux-pas is when you mention that "they" found the mother's meth lab. Who's "they"? There might a couple of other places where you do this, just be aware of them, and try to smooth them out.

- What is John's relationship to Em? I deduce he's a stepfather, but this needs to be clarified in this chapter or the readers would get severely lost as to why he's close with the family, and why he's named rather than referred to as a father, AND (as a separate unanswered question) why Em would be sleeping with a knife.

- If Kai is Em's best friend, why would she immediately trust a man who presumedly she was sleeping with a knife to fend herself against in case he ever tried to attack her for whatever reason? First of all, it's like she already had an inkling about his character and always sought protection for herself during the night, which begs the question why she couldn't talk to her mother about it. All the more reason why we NEED to know a good deal more about the mother and how John relates to everyone. But back to Em's immediate trust in John, think about it, if someone came to you and said that your best friend helped him do some heinous deed against you, you would balk first, and try to piece it all together, even go Hamlet on them and try to catch them in some act of suspicious secrecy before diving in for revenge. There was no precedent for Em's lust for revenge. You DO mention that there was a cheating scandal, but that might be a good revelation as to why she might seek the revenge, since she might have figured out that Kai had figured out the scandal and retaliated. Without anything to go from, it's like Em just killed John and turned into a monster with the thirst for more blood, and just wanted to attack Kai because she was the last name mentioned before she went blind with a frenzy. Don't lose your readers. Guide them. Make the story smooth and with at least some common sense.

- Which brings me to the last point: there's nothing mentioned or implied to a sufficient degree that in order to execute her revenge she had to kill herself. When she meets "Death" she acts like she doesn't know that this was what she had planned all along (which it was, since she was prepared with the vial of blood).

So, again, you can imply things and keep readers guessing, but the characters should know what they're about or else you don't have a good story. But this IS a great start, and I am hooked. You just need to fix up some MAJOR points before you continue (and I would suggest you also revise the other three chapters before I take a look at them, in case some of these comments apply there too).

Good luck, and keep writing! For your work is great and engaging, but your flaws and plotholes mar the beauty of it all.

Rating /100