Attention Deficit Panic Attack

What it's like to have a panic attack with ADD

Breathe 

It's only the first class of the morning

The fan is buzzing

She's tapping her pen 

It's ok, you took your meds, they just haven't kicked in 

The teacher walks down the aisle, passing out quiz's and passing a smile

You studied

You know you did

But when you look at the questions, the answers escape your head

Oh god, I really didn't study

Her chair is squeaking 

The teacher is typing

And you are not focusing on the paper in front of you

Breathe

You need to write your name but your hand is shaking

The clock is ticking

How long have you been sitting here?

Hey meds, start kicking in!

Did you take your meds? 

Did you forget your meds? 

How could you forget!?

They were sitting right there on the kitchen counter

Your mother reminded you to take them before you leave

Just another failed responsibility 

You'll never finish this test

She was right about you

You can't remember a thing

If you can't handle high school, how will you hold a job?

If you can't remember a thing

How will you live on your own

You can't remember to drink most days

How do you think you'll be able to raise a kid?

You need to focus on this quiz!

But my body is a machine 

And the gears in my heart have completely stopped

While the cogs in my head are turning too fast

So all I am feeling is friction and smoke

I have no idea what I'm writing 

And I'm finding it harder and harder to control this fire within me

These numbers and markings mean nothing

When her pen is tapping

And the fan is buzzing

And the chair is squeaking

And the teacher is typing

And the clock is ticking

And I'm violently shaking

And silently facing every fear of my future in each bone-breaking heart beat

The teachers don't get that I am not cheating

But when I look at the test next to me

I'm trying to see how many questions they've answered 

How far I have to catch up to time

Because I always feel like I'm slipping behind

One more step to the finish line before I trip up again

And again

And again!

And Again! 

AND AGAIN!

When will this class period end?!

My vision is blurring and tears are forming 

So I can't make out the clock's hands, much less, my own

All these people around me and I'm still so alone

They don't know in my mind I'm fighting a war
I don't want to exist in this friction anymore!

How can I exist

No, how can I live 

If I can't remember to drink

If I can't hold a job

If I can't realize my dreams

If I forget about my child

But, Jen, you're only sixteen, you've still got awhile

But come on, let's face it, this is never going away

This is never going away 

You can't escape what's within you

You can't get out of what's inside

Trust me, I've tried

You can't escape your own mind

Trust me!

There's far too much tapping

And typing

And squeaking 

And lying

And screaming 

And crying

And shaking

And breaking

Til nothing is left

And I'm finished with my test...

And after only ten minutes,

I'm the first one done...

Reviews

[SleeplessVolcano]

Being the first one done always leaves that sinkling feeling......and then, the roller-coaster ride of imagining a grade......a definite fail.....to a correction of the curriculum because my answers were so revolutionary brilliant that it improved truth.....

But mediocrity remains in the eyes of everyone, without anyone understanding that the lights are indeed on and desiring to shine somewhere......

Great writing!