First

It's a prose poem. I think. I'm not sure. My first piece of 'erotica' although I don't know that I would really call it that....

 

“I want to be fucked.”

She told me one night.

We were young.

But the way her strawberry blonde hair glistened

in the parking lot lights made her sound much older.

 

We were in the back of my dad’s old Suburban

sitting on the dark edge of the theatre parking lot

after the last showing of some romance

she had begged me to see.

 

“Have you ever…?”

I began to question, but she silenced me

by pressing her thin, trembling lips to mine

and unbuttoning her new blue shirt.

 

I was entranced by her breasts that appeared.

Small and white, with tiny freckles,

covered by a pink demi-cup bra.

My hands found them new and perfect.

She gasped when I reached inside and

caressed her n*****s.

 

She was so young and fresh. I could smell her

shampoo, deodorant, and that cucumber lotion

she must have borrowed from her mother.

I felt myself go hard for all of her

but thought I should try to resist.

 

“You don’t want to do this here,”

I whispered into that strawberry hair.

“let me take you somewhere else”

 

She shook her head, sending her clean,

young scent to engulf me.

“Take me here. F**k me now.”

And with that she undid my jeans

 

“See, I knew you wanted me”

She giggled in a seductive, confident voice that

I couldn’t have imagined from those lips,

waxy with some fruity lip balm.

 

I was shaking with fear, anticipation, and the

weight of her expectations but sat up and crawled

toward her.

She giggled, more nervously,

as I touched her cheek.

 

It didn’t last very long.

I pushed her shoulders onto the mat,

pressing my body against her as I

positioned myself.

 

She cried out as I entered.

I would have stopped to make sure she was alright

but the sound of her guttural scream ignited me.

I pushed deeper into her, and harder.

 

Her nails dug deep into my back.

I watched her beautiful, body arch against me

Even as her delicate thighs wrapped around my body.

I came soon after.

 

She lay on the mat, panting,

with tiny flecks of blood speckling her skin.

I leaned back against the

coolness of the foggy window.

 

She looked up at me through her knotted hair,

bra twisted about her shoulders and otherwise naked,

with her large blue-green eyes,

begging, pleading me for something more.

“Do you love me yet?” she questioned

into the silence.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Poem was very good. Passion has no control. When we decide. We do it. I always said woman have the advantage. They can set the tone and movement in a relationship. I would ask are you sure. Always have the double insurance of safety. Ending was very good. Thank you.
Coyote

[matthew henry]

First off, I would hate to see this turn into some sort of 'battle against the sexes', e-mudslinging sort of thing, so please, I beg of you, don't take this as any sort of attack. Not that you would; maybe it is just me displacing my own insecurity or fears. That being said, I understand your intent, but I'm not getting that fully. After reading the poem again, I have still arrived at the same conclusion: the narrator liked girl in some way, most certainly in a sexual manner. She 'begged' him for sex, and used her body to persuade him. This is all clear. The narrartor tried to discourage the girl from carrying on, also clear. However, it didn't take much to convince him. Of course, they seem young, so this may play into what you intended. But then comes the last line, and here I get the idea that the narrator has turned his back on the girl. There is no sense of regret, worry, concern, understanding, only silence. It comes to me as if you are saying, "here is a boy/young man who likes this girl enough to say 'no' at first, but once she takes off her shirt, he collapses to lust, giving into his desires." Okay, no problem. Been there, done that. But if he cared enough to say no before the experience, then where do his feelings and conscience go afterwards. After the sex, there are no signs of his emotions, other than 'silence.' Really, for me, it's the 'into silence' that's driving me crazy. Why silence? Maybe I need to know what type of silence. Apathetic? Probably not. Confused? Remorseful? Regretful, that he succomed to her wants, and now hurt for the girl is inevitable? I know what you're getting at, really, but for me there is something missing, and because of it, I am left with the idea that the boy is apathetic. If he liked her so much to say no at the beginning, then why apathetic in the end? And, if he isn't apathetic, which is probably the case, then what is he? As a reader, I don't know how he feels. I have a writing suggestion that would help to clarify my feelings as a reader, but I won't offer it unless you ask. It's your poem, and I feel like I have intruded on it enough.

[matthew henry]

Okay, maybe in some ways you did 'nail' the male view, but in other ways, you just supported a stereotype. I think your writing is nice, which I have said before regarding other works. I think your style/structure with this one could be mixed up a bit, or possibly cut down to make the structure stronger. Mostly though, it rides on the cliche of guys 'f*****g' girls without feeling. It's not the 'male' point of view. It may be one point of view, but I have known many women to hold that view as well. Not every woman wants love with sex, and not every guy is the opposite of that. And please, don't think of this as me taking it personally, as if I have been offened. Look at it from a writers standpoint. It is the writers job to find new angles on the old story, poem, lyric, etc. I'm not so sure that you did that.

[Legion]

Very graphic and well written. Such a question at the end. So many people confuse one with the other or think that with the one the other comes. So sad. Great write.

[Raja]

Things like the simple truth need the power of words, and that you possess already. It is manifest in your poem. I like it. Good Work.

Thank You.

Raja

[Orlando Murcia]

I loved your poem, I enjoyed every inch of it. You are a great writer and I cant wait to see more of your work. Orlando Murcia

[zig]

this poem tells a very vivid story, complex, more than the sum of its part, not an easy thing to do. so much was unspoken, wonderful tone, and what was spoken was very effective. even tho the tone was superb, i dont think the format this was written it matched it very well. perhaps try playing with some of the line lengths, speed think up a bit where the movement of the poem needs to get to the next connection shorten the lines where the "act" is being made. this will match the tone better. its rather good as is, so take with a grain of salt. zig

[Patient Poet (Yos)]

you capture the moment very nice, amazing written by a women :)

[Arthur Henn]

The way you as a woman turned this around and unfolded it into the lap of us men. Amazing poem, the "poetess you are very well written with a message for us men.

Great Job!

Art

[she makes me weird]

Wow, this piece is intense. The words you used create a very clear visual for me. Very well written on a somewhat touchy subject.