How to be single

You won't expect it to happen. You'll come out of a breakup and expect to be fine because you'll think you'll be in a new relationship by the end of the month, same as all the other times.

It won't happen. Half a year will pass in the blink of an eye and you'll find yourself just as alone as before. 

The last time you hugged someone will become a memory you can't recall and no matter how much you tell yourself that you're okay you won't remember ever feeling so down. The slightest touch will make your spine tingle and you'll go out of your way to flirt with someone, anyone.  No matter how many people you surround yourself with. No matter how many parties you go to you.lstill be alone at the end of the night in that too big, cold bed. 

All the things you pushed away because you expected yourself to never be this alone will come rushing back and you won't know how to cope because you never had to. So you'll drink and smoke and do anything to drown out the noise but as always it just gets worse. You'll wonder if you lost your spark, always feeling like something is missing. Feel the worst in those moments when something happens and you have no one to tell. 

That couple you always see on the street won't make you smile and feel like a member of a top secret club anymore.  But then the stars will align. You'll meet someone and feel alive again. Agonising over how your hair looks and which lipstick to wear. The truth will come out. They didnt feel the same and you'll feel even worse than before.

The harsh swings between unbelievably horny and wonder if you're becoming asexual will start and the tears will come easier as you look down at your class of wine and microwave chow main for one untill you don't know if you're falling for someone because you like someone or if you're just that lonely.

That's when the bad decisions come. The things that seem good in the moment but worse in the stark daylight when you have to face it sober. You don't care because you'd do anything to feel that touch that only that random person you picked out can give.

Start to feel yourself sinking into that hole you thought you had left long ago. Hands reaching out for a ladder that isn't there. Go deeper and deeper in. More drugs, more booze. Become known as the party girl because you think it makes you sound more interesting. Get trapped in a cycle of drinking that starts t 9am and hungover days at work. 

Be consumed with the though that all you need is a change, anything different. Start looking at apartments you can't afford and diets you don't have the willpower for. Reinvent yourself. Feel like a fraud but continue anyway. 

Your brain is filled with the thought of meeting someone. That moment where a cute guy smiles at you on the bus becomes a full fledged rom com in your head. Feel trapped.

Read quotes saying no one can love you untill you love yourself. Try to love yourself. Decide you don't need love, just a good f**k. Realise it's been 7 months.

Start a better job, meet new friends, still feel like you haven't stepped forward even an inch. Constantly wonder if the problem is you, listen to sad songs.

Tell yourself over and over that it doesn't matter, you have a great job and even better friends, you don't need anyone else. Constantly doubt it.