Twirling in beyond

Lyra is playing a game with her friends in the middle of the night.When she takes the blindfold off, they are all gone, and horror is chasing her throughout the graveyard.Trough the mist...

     Everything around me was black. I couldn't see. They were spinning me round and round. I was beginning to feel dizzy. I could hear my friends laughing, hell I was laughing too. We were so drunk, that we decided to play blind man's buff. In the middle of the night, on the graveyard. That's how drunk we were. I just couldn't stop laughing. I was playing the game, that was my favorite when I was like six. Oh, man... I'm seventeen already!

     It was only when I stopped laughing, I realized that I was laughing alone for the past few minutes. There were no hands that kept spinning me around. I felt alone. Something inside me was wrong. In my head, a voice was screaming to take the blindfold off. I placed a fake smile and reached out with my hands. There was nothing. Burst of panic went trough my mind.

- Com'on guys... You have to say something!

     Nothing. What was happening? I heard a sound. It was like a moan. I turned to direction where it was coming from. A strange smell was in the air. Fog, maybe? I reached out again and started to move slowly. I was being careful not to trip and fall. After what may have been five or six steps, my fingertips felt something. It was rough, like a jacket. The smell was now stronger and I smiled. It was probably Roy. He always smelled funny. As I came closer, I've put my hands onto his head. There were thin lips, a nose and then a pair of eyes. On the side of his head, there was something sticky. Could it be Brandon? He always has smudges around his mouth, even his head, from the food, that he is constantly eating.

- Brandon!

     He didn't move. Still there was no sound. What the hell?! I took the blindfold off and then my body froze. I was shocked. It wasn't Brandon, or Roy. It was a grown man, with dark hair and brown eyes. His look was hollow, as he could see right trough me. I couldn't look away. On the side of his head, there was a hole. A big hole. Gunshot hole. How could he be alive? There was blood all over his clothes, that dark red and sticky stuff. He looked so pale. Maybe he needed help?

     I tuned around, but nobody was there. None of my friends. Did they run away from him? Suddenly I didn't feel drunk anymore.

- Sir, do you need help?

     His empty eyes looked into mine. There was a glimpse of surprise on his face, as he started to approach me. Blood gushed out of his wound. He moaned again. It was like he couldn't speak. I made a couple steps back, but he was approaching me faster and faster. What is wrong with this guy?

- Stop, don't come any closer! - I was almost screaming.

     I turned around and started running. Is this some kind of a sick joke? His footsteps echoed around the graveyard. I'm going to kill whoever said to play the game here. Shadows were making strange and lifelike shapes. I was afraid of every move and every sound around me, while I was running. I turned my head to see where is he, but... I tripped. I somehow managed to cut my leg and it was now bleeding. Laying there on the wet ground, I looked around. There were graves everywhere, and tombstones, but not one person. I've never felt so scared in my life. Chills were going down my spine, and I wanted to cry. I felt so helpless. Why isn't anyone out there? I slowly stood up, and I noticed my knees were shaking. Night was really cold. Where did the guy disappear? I better keep on moving, so he doesn't find me. One look around the graveyard destroyed my hopes of getting out. It was huge, and I didn't know in which direction to go. There was a crack of the branch and I went for it. I was running, didn't matter where, just to escape the creepy guy. There were trees in front of me and I thought it would be a great place to hide. I crouched behind a tree, and looked behind. Still there was no one. My breathing and heart beating was slowing down. Feelings of relief came over me. After couple of minutes, sitting there and staring in the distance, I felt a hand on my shoulder. Every inch of my body was paralyzed and I couldn't breathe for a moment. It was the guy I was running from. But this time, he had friends with him. A woman with a knife in her stomach was standing in front of me. A man stood by her. He looked like he survived a bomb explosion. Behind them, more and more people came, with stabing and gunshot wounds, with missing body parts, and blood all over them. It was like a zombie parade! 

- What do you want from me? - I screamed helplessly. The first guy, with the gunshot wound on the side of his head, had trouble focusing his blank look towards me. His mouth opened, and I realized he had trouble speaking, too. 

- Tell... my... my... wi... wife, Jane... Jane Eck... Eckleston... I... I'm sorry... - He stuttered. I had goosebumps, my neck hair was upright, and all I wanted to do is leave this place. Mist came down around us, cold and evil. They seemed scared, as they started moving away from the fog. A woman with a knife in her stomach, knelt down, next to me. 

- Tell my son... I forgive him... Vince Torn.

     They left in panic, as mist grew darker and taller. Leafs were rustling in the slight breeze. Temperature was dropping fast and again I was alone. In the middle of the mist, I saw a figure. It looked like a really tall person, but there was something so frightening about it. My heart raced, but I couldn't move. Someone called my name.

- Lyra... It's not your time! - Voice was cruel and deep. It made me shiver. My eyes closed, as I hoped it was a dream, but everything that happened couldn't be just my imagination. Wind raised around me, and i felt I'm spinning around again. Faster and faster. I couldn't look, as I was grasping for breath, so I just closed my eyes again, in hope it will pass. 

     As I stopped spinning, I made a deep breath. My lungs filled with air, and I felt so relived. I opened my eyes, and a doctor was standing near my bed, with paddles in his hands. 

- Good, we thought we lost you... You really got us worried.

      My mind was so confused, with lots of informations, and plenty more questions.

- How did I get here?

- You and your friends were playing a blind man's buff. They were spinning you faster and faster, till blood came out from your nose and you just collapsed.

- But I didn't collapse...

- It's a good thing you have good friends. They rushed you here in time.

     Doctor left my room, and then my friends burst in. They were hugging me, and saying sorry. Jack sat on my bed, immediately realizing he sat on my leg.

- I'm sorry, Lyra. - His look was so worried.

- It's ok. - I smiled politely and removed the blanket from my leg, because it started burning me. There was a small wound, more of a cut. Now, I couldn't remember where I got it from. Must be from the game. Wait, what game?

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

A good, spooky story. It needs a bit of editing, but you can sort it out. One suggestion--you use a lot of short sentences in the beginning. If you'd combine some of them, it would make for smoother reading, plus you could eliminate some of those "I's".

[Katrina Mckeown]

love it!

[TheSweet]

This one is a really interesting concept. It leaves the reader with as little information as the character, which really adds something to it. The little rhetorical question at the end - I'm not sure what to make of it, or what it's implying. Not sure what it's intended for, or if that is what it's there for.

The style is knuckled down a lot stonger in this one. I would, however, like to 'feel' more in empathy with the character. That would add a lot more chilling theme to this story. I want to hear more of the senses - what she is feeling (physical and emotional), smelling and hearing. More descriptive writing to put the reader inside the story.

I also might suggest adding a gap inbetween the paragraphs, it keeps the story exactly the same, but it helps the reader take each part in more and makes it look less of a clump of writing.

Again, I'm really liking the concepts here :) Thanks for sharing.

[patricia]

a captivating write..would like to see a second draft where you go find the two names the ghosts gave you...you could develop this in many different ways..Thanks.

[Raven Starhawk]

How extra extraordinary this divine piece is. It breathes excellence and exhales superior writing skills.

[KATHY SUE SILLS]

Excellent suspense story that caused me chill bumps!

[KAREN]

Great plot, and very interesting. Kept me on my toes and reading till the end!