Sonnet 1 (Shakespearean Style)

I just finished writing this, trying to use Shakespeare's sonnet style.

I always find a wonderful surprise

When I am snared by my one lovers trance

When I gaze in your perfect hazel eyes

I find a surprise of such permanence.

There shall never come a day we’re apart

There will not be a day I leave your side

For, you shall always have my beating heart

You are mightier than the ocean’s tide

But, we will also always be equal

We have always respected each other

Our relationship is always tranquil

I feel bad for the others that suffer

   For they do not comprehend our pure love

   My lady, my beautiful perfect dove.

Author's Note

Please tell me what you think, this is my first attempt to follow the A-B-A-B-C-D-C-D-E-F-E-F-G-G rhyme scheme with the 10 syllables per line standard.

Reviews

[LisetteCanWrite!]

Full of faith and the strength of devotion.. who needs an army when you have that one perfect person to stand strong next to? This was really nice.. admiring the love you share yet not gloating but incorporating the fact you feel badly for others that are not as lucky. A love of a lifetime is very hard to find.. and priceless.. you can see this passion through the windows of much of your work for the one you love. Very rare and I do hope it works out your you both! Great work.

[Sarah]

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz i think i messed up

[The Perfectionist]

You're missing a piece. It's not just 10 syllables per line, the lines themselves have to be in Iambic Pentameter, meaning the ten syllables are really five pairs of unstressed and stressed syllables. You don't quite have this. I was trying to make each one work, but the flow is just destroyed because some things don't like being stressed. Your third line is a particularly good example of this; short words like 'in' aren't usually the ones stressed.

It's a neat poem, and a valiant effort to write a sonnet (which is not easy by any stretch), but you need a little more work on it.

[Dusty]

Good! I like the emotion. The only lines I caught that disrupted the rhyme scheme slightly were the pairing of the words "trance"-"permanence", "equal"-"tranquil" and "suffer"-"other" They don't exactly rhyme, just sound a bit alike... It is still a wonderful poem though. Shakespeare would be proud.

[Poeticpiers]

A valiant attempt for a first try I have no doubt you will improve with practice. Even shakespeare was not always perfect

[Tate Morgan]

A hope for all of mankind the togetherness of a couple
There shall never come a day we’re apart

There will not be a day I leave your side
I think these lines redundant they both essentially state the same thing I would take one out

[Tina Kline]

I think you did a great job on this. A very nice and romantic love poem.

[An owl on the moon]

You seem to follow the form so well, yet I love how the words transcend the form. Such a beautiful, tender flowing write filled with a depth of love.

[The Water Queen]

It is written well and just very sweet. Great poem and great format.

--The Angel of the Earth--

[Aussie]

I like the format,it flows well and its cute.
I don't really enjoy cuteness or shakespeare,but this was pretty good.

[Poetic Beauty]

This is a great poem. The flow was nicely done. The emotion was portrayed nicely. Great job