The Adventures of Gnomey The Gnome: The Tale of the Lost Identity

Someone confuses Gnomey, a gnome, for a badger. How can something like that happen?

 

There was no one by the riverbank. That cold filled season had come again and the water was frozen and a cold white substance blanketed the earth. Gnomey instead sat by a makeshift riverbank inside of his cozy abode. It needless to say was not the same.

However there was a problem about this creature that was just referred to as Gnomey. See Gnomey somehow lost his identity. One never knows when he or she can lose their identity. One day you know who you are and poof the next you are wondering who is the grotesque obese troglodyte in the mirror. Gnomey had no idea how he lost his and it is impossible to know how one loses it. Sometimes it is just a careless mistake.

In the mystical woods of Foz it was winter, and Christmas time was around the bend. The creatures of the woods wondered what to get each other, and they really pondered what to get Gnomey. Some thought that a loofa, a talking Gary Busey doll, a DVD boxed set of the first season of Knight Rider, and “The Idiot’s Guide To The Secretary Of Defense” was in order. Still some believed it would make more sense to find his identity. No one knew how to find an identity. No one had ever lost one before. Except of course this one animal that went around for a month believing he was Patrick Swayze, but that is another story.

Gnomey sat in front of his television watching Wolf News. On the Pundit Hour was Barry the Bible Thumper. Barry a slob of grease if there ever was one began to speak about Foz granting marriage rights to homosexuals. “I mean Joe I tells ya. We in this land of equality and freedom just can’t be buyin’ into the homosexual agenda. Their notions of equal rights for themselves are just selfish. I mean Joe come on look at the kids. The day we start handing out equality to all and acting as good neighbors to all and we might as well allow zombies to grow banana plants on Mars. Ya see Joe God is all about love. Love for those who twist his views into furthering their own monetary agenda. God Bless Foz.”

Gnomey sighed and shut off the television for there was a knock at his door. Gnomey trudged to it and opened it. At his door stood Frederick the Friendly Frog dressed in a wonderful pinstripe suit.

“Top of the morn to you Gnomey my friend,” said Frederick. Gnomey looked at him sadly and turned. Frederick, taken aback, walked into the home.

There was a moment of silence before Gnomey spoke. “I have a serious question for you Frederick.”

“What is it lad?” asked Frederick as he sat down into a chair.

“Am I…am I…” Gnomey could not find the words. He took a deep breath of air. “Am I a badger?”

“Badger?”

“Yes. Am I a badger?” Gnomey questioned, his voice rising with anger.

“No you are not. You my friend are a Gnome,” said Frederick.

“Good that’s what I thought,” said Gnomey. With that revelation his crisis of identity was over.

“Say chap how does one go about losing his identity? Seems like a hard thing to do,” said Frederick.

“I have no idea. I guess it was the careless mistake of someone higher up than me.”

“God?”

“No. Not even God can be that careless.”

With that the conundrum over Gnomey was free to celebrate his Christmas. And what a fine Christmas it was. Gnomey received many wonderful gifts and he gave out many more. This was the year that he gave out reading material. Gnomey was a firm believer in smartening oneself by reading. Amongst the titles he gave out as gifts where “How To Exploit The Grief and Anger of a People To Invade Sovereign Nations: The Bush Saga”, “The Differences Between Gnomes and Badgers, Volume Two”, “How To Manage to Ignore A Crippling Pandemic, Train Terrorists, and Be Loved By the American People: The Ronnie Reagan Story”, and “Jesus Is Coming Look Busy!: A Manifesto on Radical Christians”. For the most part they loved his gifts. Gnomes are very good gift givers .Later that night, December 25th, cuddling in a chair near a roasting fire Gnomey drifted into sleep. He remembered who he was.

 

Reviews

[Fabian G. Franklin]

this was funny, i like the sense of humor in this