Spiraling

One overwhelming thought springs to mind. It doesn't have to be anything significant, just something tied to a deep emotion. This is easy to do in my world. I feel deeply. This feeling grows and the thoughts become more and more. It makes me feel like I'm free falling with nothing to grab hold of. It's not the sensation of flying because that would be glorious. It's the terror of what might come at the bottom. Spinning, twirling, upside down and flipping out of control. No structure. No sense of balance. No way to know what is up or down or right or left. My whole navigation system is off. The world feels like a vortex of chaos. The thoughts now jump out randomly like some video game where you try to avoid hitting things as you are going way too fast. But really, I'm terrible at the game so I hit every one of them. This means that I start flipping around more like a ping pong ball and I absorb everything I hit. Every new thing I hit is another thought and another emotion combined and compounds whatever was before it. The layers of thoughts and feelings cannot even be expressed. This is my spiral. This is what happens in the time span of seconds.

But then, I start saying the things out loud. If I have a person to say them to, the layers become less. The emotion starts to ease. The blurred images become actual words and not just random thoughts of chaos spiraling out of control. My words give the things meaning. My words allow the emotions to feel instead of being stifled up inside. I stop flipping. I slowly stop spinning. The ground is in sight and I'm able to land on my feet. Grounded, I can see the spiral that was above like there was no gravity for a few minutes and now I have a sense of myself and the world around me again. The root emotion can be recognized, named, and therefore felt and let go.

Maybe this is what it is like for others who also externally process. I hope to start to notice my symptoms sooner and I hope to be able to talk myself out of the spiraling vortex. With time and practice, I believe this is possible. Until then, thank you to those of you who have been my sounding boards, who essentially have been the person holding the rope (I couldn't see) and brought me back safely to the ground again.