1. Second Thoughts

Pitter, patter was the sound the rain made as it splattered against the roof like a pack of mice dashing across a wooden plank floor. I rolled over for the fifth time, and then lifted my head to see if Hanna had woken up, but her sweet baby face stayed innocently asleep. Finally, I got up, tired of moving, closing, and opening my eyes, and then making failed attempts to find a better position. Grabbing my cell phone from the end table by the narrow mattress, I walked out of the bedroom and closed the door quietly. Lightning flashed by the window, illuminating through the dull green curtains and lighting up the whole apartment. Roaches skittered around leaving shadows and my skin crawled as if one had found a way onto my leg. I was so tired and my body begged for sleep, but my heart just wouldn't cooperate. It was still in shock after what happened the other day. I flipped my phone up, the chocolate cake screen saver glowing in the dark, and I dialed my best friend's number. The couch rocked as my knee bounced up and down. 

"H-ello." Natalie's usually chirpy voice was drowned in drowsiness and I felt like hanging up for disturbing her this late at night. The crooked aligned clock by the kitchen entryway read two o'clock on the dot, which made me even more nervous. 

"I'm so sorry for bothering you Natalie, I'm just- I can't sleep." 

"Have you tried counting sheep?" she joked. 

"My mind is already overcrowded with thoughts," I complained without laughing. This was the second night, I just couldn't get to sleep since Richard proposed to me in a gazebo over the largest lake in town. I remembered everyone cheering for me, but inside, my heart was flooded with fear and uncertainty. "I can't even fit sheep in there." 

"What's on your mind?"  

I mashed her lips together and told her that Richard had proposed, glancing at the heart shaped engagement ring on my thin fingers. It glittered with pure diamonds in them like a flashy pearl. I sighed when I finished the story. "I don't see what the problem is, Cassandra," Natalie said. "This sounds like a perfect happy ending for you." 

"But I don't love him. I feel so guilty I said yes." As I said these words, the guilt sank deeper into my heart as I realized these were my honest feelings. Richard had lavished me with expensive gifts and romantic words for a good two years, which was flattering, but I wasn't ready to marry again. I rose from the couch and began pacing the room as I usually did when having an intense conversation with someone on the phone

"Guilty about what?" Natalie's voice turned mature and motherly. It was for this I loved Natalie like a best friend since I moved to this urban side of town. "Accepting a possible lifestyle that doesn't involve you just scraping by?"

"You don't understand..." I started. 

"No, listen, don't you want to give Hanna everything she deserves."

"But I-"

"Why if I was in your shoes, I would be so excited." 

I gave up. Maybe I was just holding onto Adam, the love of my life, who passed away five years ago, and needed to just enjoy being spoiled by someone who obviously has a huge interest in me. He wasn't ugly, but we kissed more than we talked, which bothered me a lot. I missed having someone to talk to and trust. Wasn't that what love was all about? I shook my head. Maybe I needed this to finally get over Adam and move on with my life. Maybe, I had been stuck at Adam's grave all this time, and this was my moment to get up and walk on. Besides, this was my redemption as well. My sisters were rich, successful, educated women while I was twenty-seven with a preteen and a small, shank apartment, barely making ends meet. I loved my daughter, but often times, I wished I could give her more as she matured into the bright girl she is today. I would be able to take care of her. "You're right," I said. "I'm happy, really." 

"I know you loved Adam very much," Natalie said soothingly and a tear crawled over my high cheekbones. "I'm sure he wanted you to move on and be happy." I placed a hand over my heart. 

"Yes, Natalie," I replied, finally after a long pause. "Thank you very much. I appreciate this." 

"Hey that's what friends are for!" Natalie's voice filled with the usual chirp and cheerfulness. "Call me anytime. Love you." 

"Love you too." I hung up and turned to the door that led to the bedroom. The guilt was still there, nipping at the ankles of my heart like a rabid dog and I wondered when it would finally swallow me whole. However, thinking about being able to provide for Hanna and give her everything she needs while removing the condescending look in my sister’s eyes made me tame the beast for another night.

Author's Note

Dear Reader,

I made Cassandra out to be a dynamic character by the end of the novel. So for now, she has a weakness of thinking about others before herself because she doesn't have a clear idea of who she is. I hope this chapter and the next will be good enough until the real action and mystery starts.

I wanted to put some elements in fantasy that hasn't been done before for example having a single mother.

Let me know what you think please.

Sincerely JazzSoulKeke,

God bless

Reviews

[Alex]

Great chapter. You do a good job of letting your narrator lament and complain without it ever getting tired, or sounding whiny. One thing that was a little distracting for me personally, though, was how at some points, you manage to give too much, and not enough details at the same time. The best example of this was when the narrator is recalling the time Richard proposed. Including the location (a gazebo over the largest lake in town) seemed to break up the pacing of that thought. I think it would flow better to just leave that out; the location doesn't add anything. However, if you're planning on revisiting this location, and this was you introducing us to it, I think more information would be necessary. This is clearly a distressing memory for her, and if the gazebo itself enters her thoughts, including a few otherwise unimportant details goes a long way to impress how embedded it is in her mind. Something like [the gazebo over the largest lake in town - the one with a small chip on the middle step] would show that this particular gazebo constantly pesters her thoughts to the point where a tiny detail becomes its defining trait. This is a small nit pick for me - everything else in this chapter is great!

[Kianna]

Thanks for reviewing! Yeah, this is the problem I am having with this story are some details and pacing it so thanks for pointing that out for me. I will rectify that.

[Lydia Shutter]

You make the reader want to know more about the characters you have created. Your similes "like a pack of mice dashing across a wooden plank floor." are very good and so is the imagery. I liked the idea of not being able to count sheep to get to sleep because your mind is too full of other thoughts. It's not easy to move on after someone you have given your heart to passes. The emotions are written honesty and well. I liked this. Lydi**

[Kianna]

Thanks for reviewing!

[Lentron]

"I mashed her lips together and told her that Richard had proposed" I think this is one of the leftover third person pronouns left over from your switch of POV. That, or you could have been suggesting that Natalie was quiet during Cassandra's story, whichever works.

"Natalie said soothingly and a tear crawled over my high cheekbones." Nothing wrong with this sentence, I just liked how you included a small description where you could. I just thought I would point it out.

I like the storyline, and I really like the shortness of the chapter itself. It was a quick read that gave me a stopping point pretty quick. On the other hand, when things get moving along, I think I would appreciate longer chapters. That's just my opinion being thrown out there, I understand chapters just kind of flow on their own and you can't really control the length of them.

[Kianna]

Dear Lentron,

Thanks for the review. I thought I got all the third point of view phrases so I appreciate you finding more so that I don't confuse my readers. Also, I willl keep the length of the chapter in mind. This chapter was meant to be relatively short, but in future chapters by you saying that, I won't feel so nervous when the chapter gets a little long.

Sincerely JazzSoulKeke,

God bless

[LordJim]

Very Nice!!!! You have it!!!!! Jim

[Talia The Hedgehog]

this is a very good story or chapter. i enjoyed it. can read a couple of mine and reweiw them?

[Roo]

It flows well and it has a small hook at the end which asks me to read on so that is good. Now what I didn't get was who was telling the story. It is predominantly in the first person, so it is Cassandra telling the tale, but '"You don't understand..." Cassandra started. ' suggests it is third person narration. There were a couple of other instances where this occurred.
But apart from that well done. Single Hispanic mother's in fantasy, as you suggest, has got to be a first and I'll get back to you once I've read chapter two.
Roo

[Kianna]

Dear Roo,

Thank you so much for your review. I will have to look over the chapter again. I had started the story in third person, but then switched to first person. You see the evidence of that with some left over phrases in third person haha.

Sincerely JazzSoulKeke,

God bless

[JacqueNthewritersblock]

I think this story needs a bit of work. I understand where you're going and I'm interested in the general storyline that I can feel molding as I read along.

However, I'm having trouble continuing due to the abruptly short sentences, grammatical and punctual errors, and a few confusing sentences. There's promise here, but I think a little clean up will help this chapter immensely.

I'm not commenting to be harsh or cruel, only to hopefully help and pave the way to more writing!

[Kianna]

Dear JacqueNthewritersblock,

Actually, I really appreciate your thoughtful review. I can fix grammatical errors, the story line is a little harder to fix so I am glad that you like the general picture. I only have a few short sentences. Should I just remove them? I had also switched povs from third person omniscient to first person. Perhaps I should switch it back?

Overall, I reread it and I see what you mean. Some of the sentences are a little awkward. Where do you see grammatical errors besides comma splices (I keep forgetting you can't put them there just because someone trailed off)? Maybe it's because of the commas as they can be a little tricky to me. Oh well.

Thank you for reading and reviewing.

Sincerely JazzSoulKeke,

God bless

[JacqueNthewritersblock]

I believe I misspoke. Not grammatical necessarily, just some of the dialect was awkward more so.

[Kianna]

What part of the dialogue was awkward? I think it's the part about the sheep isn't it?

[JacqueNthewritersblock]

No actually, I like the part about the sheep. It was sassy, without being too snappy. Understandable for someone who can't sleep.
"I shook her head."