Painted Smile

Painted Smile

A Poem by Jazz
"

This is a poem about the people who strive to make others happy when they themselves are unhappy. I decided to use the metaphor of a swan.

"

The swan is beauty personified.

In an effortless way, it is dignified

As it glides across the lake.

Leaving smiles and happiness in its wake.

Below the surface though, it is dark and cold

But on this exterior, it must keep a hold.

Its mechanical feet are constantly working

Fighting the sadness that is always lurking.

© 2011 Jazz


Author's Note

Jazz
Not my best poem. I feel the first couple of lines may have been forced into too much of a rhyme. Enjoy anyway :)

My Review

Would you like to review this Poem?
Login | Register




Reviews

I love this. It is beautiful. The swan is much like alot of us, and I feel that that's the metaphor you wrote of. We all wish to be beautiful on the outside, but our insides' are cold and dark. The lines, "Below the surface though, it is dark and cold. But on this exterior, it must keep a hold." Amazing word usage.

Posted 13 Years Ago


A swan was an interesting choice. I'm not sure why you chose a swan. It has beautiful imagery even though the metaphor might be lost to some. I love that you use the swan to represent this poem. It reminds me a bit of a short story called, "The Snow Goose". Many animals would suit this theme. I would probably be inclined to use something more still life like a willow tree or a person like a mime or a clown but perhaps that is too cliche.

Posted 13 Years Ago


Thank you for your honest review. I shall certainly take what you've said on board :) It's always good to get advice from people who have been writing poetry for much longer than me.

Posted 13 Years Ago


Hi Jazz,

Welcome to this place. Don't put yourself down - others will always do THAT for you - and even for free. You are starting a career path then? Being 'aware' is a necessity.

Weakness in a work is not always quite where we suspect it to be - its mainly where OTHERS peceive it to be. People don't HAVE to read our work... its up to us to help them to WANT to.

To me the weakness was the final two lines... they didn't fit with your stated intent - nor with the metaphor. I feel I understood the idea... but that understanding was not from the way you expressed it. But that's just me.

Take care,
Chris

Posted 13 Years Ago


doesn't seem forced to me, i enjoyed this piece. makes one ponder. This poem is very nicely done....xo

Posted 13 Years Ago



Share This
Email
Facebook
Twitter
Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

291 Views
5 Reviews
Rating
Added on August 11, 2011
Last Updated on August 11, 2011

Author

Jazz
Jazz

Lincoln, Lincolnshire, United Kingdom



About
Hello! My name's Jazz. I'm 19 and I'm studying English Literature and Creative Writing at university. I mainly write poetry and short stories. I'm influenced by writers such as Emily Bronte, Charl.. more..

Writing
Crow Crow

A Poem by Jazz


Opposites Unite Opposites Unite

A Poem by Jazz



Related Writing

People who liked this story also liked..