Painted Smile

This is a poem about the people who strive to make others happy when they themselves are unhappy. I decided to use the metaphor of a swan.

The swan is beauty personified.

In an effortless way, it is dignified

As it glides across the lake.

Leaving smiles and happiness in its wake.

Below the surface though, it is dark and cold

But on this exterior, it must keep a hold.

Its mechanical feet are constantly working

Fighting the sadness that is always lurking.

Author's Note

Not my best poem. I feel the first couple of lines may have been forced into too much of a rhyme. Enjoy anyway :)

Reviews

[DeletedUser]

I love this. It is beautiful. The swan is much like alot of us, and I feel that that's the metaphor you wrote of. We all wish to be beautiful on the outside, but our insides' are cold and dark. The lines, "Below the surface though, it is dark and cold. But on this exterior, it must keep a hold." Amazing word usage.

[I Cast a Shadow]

A swan was an interesting choice. I'm not sure why you chose a swan. It has beautiful imagery even though the metaphor might be lost to some. I love that you use the swan to represent this poem. It reminds me a bit of a short story called, "The Snow Goose". Many animals would suit this theme. I would probably be inclined to use something more still life like a willow tree or a person like a mime or a clown but perhaps that is too cliche.

[Jazz]

Thank you for your honest review. I shall certainly take what you've said on board :) It's always good to get advice from people who have been writing poetry for much longer than me.

[Chris]

Hi Jazz,

Welcome to this place. Don't put yourself down - others will always do THAT for you - and even for free. You are starting a career path then? Being 'aware' is a necessity.

Weakness in a work is not always quite where we suspect it to be - its mainly where OTHERS peceive it to be. People don't HAVE to read our work... its up to us to help them to WANT to.

To me the weakness was the final two lines... they didn't fit with your stated intent - nor with the metaphor. I feel I understood the idea... but that understanding was not from the way you expressed it. But that's just me.

Take care,
Chris

[....]

doesn't seem forced to me, i enjoyed this piece. makes one ponder. This poem is very nicely done....xo