Compose Applause

#Revised free write inspired by Chopin's Nocturne Op9 No2 Eflat Major Andante

Withered
and misplaced
my fingers
curl and reach
filthy.
Shining with
some kind of
stick
Pale and thin
Feminine
Untrimmed

diamond-ringed.
the piano takes the lead
Lightly
and bold.
My bones
so cold under me
Raised,
my skin,
like scales
amidst my blueish, yellow
nails
Repent for the music again,
a pattern begins..
Soft keys freeze
on their highest peaks
up,
and like
melting ice descend

All aside the dance
of the left and
low hand

The Cat
Hotblooded
in my lap.
Light my cigarette
Adjusting my feet
-I sat-
My boots
and chains
upset atop the hollow
wood floor.
Hovering in Minor.
Rapturing
dark chords.

Thankful for the
Wild One's courtship
through this Cavern-Like
cold

Nocturne
fluttering
souls.




As deafly
or muted
as
can be..
Or
 
freed
on my own accord.
from the onlook
of frosty iron bars
A note is skipped

and made up for.
 

An alumni
to greater beauty
these few words
how the smoke seems to dance in the light
Raptured
by the atmosphere
And the not so dirty hands
twinkle
more like an enigma of
contrasting affinities
seen
through the eyes of the Important
beings

Into the begins of an end
whilst the night claims them..

and as my claws pry the keys for
an according
portrayal.

All through the
Andante
til now I create the last tune's

UPHEAVAL.

Author's Note

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSa1rF_g7ec

Reviews

[Eloha]

oh neato!

[Antonio Valentino]

okay here is another one of your's that is absolutely spectacular..

i too embrace short line breaks in my writing and enjoy them when done right to accentuate particular points in the piece, which you do more then splendidly..

lots of critiques i see down below.. if i changed my poems with every single suggestion/correction that was given, the poem would be ever changing until it ceased to have any of my, essence, in it all.. i leave the grammar and punctuation to those that know that part better then i and simply scribble what falls out of simple brain, warts and all.. im all about how the song made me feel then how it was sung or written.. ive got a feeling that you dont need anyone to tell you to just follow your heart, but please do.. the colors you use to paint your poems brush brilliant across the papyrus of our eyes..

i dont know about composed, but excited applause to be sure

:)

[~Sara~]

I liked this piece. It was different and I like change, especially in writing. Keep up the good work!

[Rusty]

I taste youthful hope and inspiration desperation as I drink this in... youthful desperation comingled with the dare of hope...

like smoke.

[Zeek4]

That was a very interesting and unusually expressed piece. I enjoyed it's uniqueness and well crafted descriptions.

[KayD]

Oh I like this poem. I love some of the descriptions, just simple things like 'frosty iron bars', 'the wild one's courtship'. It is descriptive yet vague enough for the reader to imagine for themselves who the actors are. It's tone is mystical and dark.

[Kaa Na Kalyanasundaram]

Very nice. Great write. With wishes.

[Dez H.]

i feel you when you say you wanted it to be raw for a couple of days if you want to make any edits that's on you, but it is good raw "All through the Andante til now i create the last tune's." I love it. You made me look up "andante" And it was a better poem once i did. Good s**t and thank you. I'm a fan.

[Laura Maidah]

Beautiful. ONly complaints? The line breaks are aesthetically pretty but don't promote flow or meter. Aural motif varies in lucidity. It has a great chance of being published in a few e-mags I work for. Try rearranging in accordance with meaning instead of superficiality. Pacing is excellent. Easy to finish, no extra words I can find. Theme is easy to grasp. It's pretty vague, language is wispy and common. You have zero figurative language, symbolism, but pretty stellar sensory details when you do use them. Try to find more of them. It really paints up a vignette from intangible and intellectually-driven, to ethereal delicate substantiality. Otherwise, the tone is nebulous. Mood is very impalpable, delicate, and fortunately, exquisite. It's like the stars are clawed for syzygy in your climax. Brilliant arc until the conclusion. Well done.

[Jazmen]

In free write as well as revised I have a habit of making those breaks to help focus on each word. I feel it can be read better as opposed to being scanned. I can't change much because I feel its rightly written, although I did do some editing in partial agreement in what you've conveyed; that it does not capture the reader, as I did assume it would like it would for me if I was reading this for the first time.
For the superficialities you speak of, I don't quite understand where those are at and if your review here is saying that they're misplaced or unneeded.. I suppose I'm just not entirely sure which lines these are or what ideas are the superficial ones besides the arrangements in between where it's the Poet describing itself and the things around them.
Figurative language, symbolism, yes, I know these are missing when there are many possible things I could have described in addition that way.. I knew after writing it that it will most likely appear more in the revision. Because I hear them, I imagine them having a part, so I will see what happens when I edit.
this is the new version above now with less spaces. Thanks for your constructive review, I appreciate your enthusiastic energy on this one. And your compliments I'm also grateful for.

[Laura Maidah]

[Laura Maidah]

Revisions right? I can't pinpoint, but I'm liking everything a lot more. "Raised,
my skin,
read moreRevisions right? I can't pinpoint, but I'm liking everything a lot more. "Raised,
my skin,
like scales
amidst my blueish, yellow
nails
Oh the music again,
a pattern begins..
Soft keys freeze
on their highest peaks
up,
and like
melting ice descend"

Was that always there? It's great. I don't remember. I read a lot during the day.

[Jazmen]

"Soft keys freeze
on their highest peaks
up" is the revision

[MOON]

Lovely write you create a good atmosphere and mood to the music.