Lessons

Part 4 of 4 poems that go together.

Everybody's fighting

holding a grudge

all of that evil s**t

never made me budge

but with resistence

comes responsibility and defeat

when the negative side takes over

and the winds become colder

to the smoldering ash your soul

leaves behind as all of your hopes a nd dreams

are lit up like a blunt

by the criminally aware

who feel no sense of despair.

 

leave your feelings in the air

and you're a target to be led

nowhere

 

...carrying your broken heart

in a shattered case of manic depression

as you make every mistake in the book

and never learn a lesson

to the hate that perpetuates

the Devil's command of this sordid sorry land

 

So I'm guessing about which lesson I'm supposed to learn

in this messy convalescence

of my ever desperate life.

 

Haven't I been good with intent

to walk a straight path

wrestling the raging beast within my heart

only to emerge the loser as I pitifully depart...?

 

And haven't hurt only I

whom I despise

disguised in a mirrorhouse of lies?

Well, it all becomes confused

because maybe I misconstrued

the extension of my actions

when vile acts bear the only satisfaction

to living on concrete floors

basking in ugliness

refusing unlocked doors.

 

That may be my fate

because I don't know.

I never meant to show

that dark and deeply disturbing interior

it seems to have infected

the vision of who I am

when my actions are dissected.

 

So I guess the older you get

the less you know,

wisdom is just a show

to the perpetually confused

dying souls who diffused

any sense of meaning in this life

when pain without meaning

sends a crazed combatitive soul screaming

into the empty night

without a chance in hell

to win this obviously fixed fight.

 

I'm done with guessing,

I'll live my life

parallell to all of my tragic blessings

because the only lesson worth learning

is that love comes first

beyond any selfish motivation

your heart may be cultivating.

I know what you sow is what you reap

and it's akin to battling demons in my sleep

walking through the day in a numbed crazed display

of irony, for sure.

 

Hell,

 

with all of the darkness that envelops me

I may as well laugh straight to eternity.

 

You know, the only defense against human hate

is to negate that hate

create a clean slate

and perpetuate

the late blooming of everlasting connections

and to laugh and love your sadness away

as the darkened day looms

and the planet heads for doom.

 

And until that happens,

you'll find my manically laughing

at the absurdity that is delivered to me dailey,

every time I wake,

right on time

here to spread metaphysical strychnine

on the ignorantly blind

 

but I can see

when the tears let me be;

when the pain that gnaws at me

disappears and sets me free.

 

And in those crystal clear flashes of intuition

I make it my mission

to listen

to that lonely angel on my shoulder

carrying my sickened soul like a boulder

with the weight

of how I hate

and who I negate:

...myself.

 

He's a wise one

that ever flowing voice

inside this crazy head

showing me exactly why Karma's a b***h

and why I've been misled.

 

I'm obsessed with the deconstruction

of my perpetual self-destruction

but never lifting a finger

and letting the evil linger

long enough to blind me

to the horrid risks that bind me...

 

I'll spend the rest of my life paying back

and still die in the negative

and off the right track.

 

So heaven:wait to refuse me,

and hell: don't take me yet,

I still have to make a bet

that I'll die without regrets...

 

...

 

Yea, as if I ever won before

just take what you want from me

and even up the score.

 

I'm done with trying

I'd rather be dying

than punished for good intentions

because I'm still full of tainted love

and will never learn my lesson.