A Mother's Fear

You are all source of emotion

Sickness strikes
Leaving me to drown
In this saline waterfall deluge.
Worry gorges
On this mother's soul
Feeding upon helplessness;
Morphing into it's own disease
Until the acrid taste of fear
Accompanies thoughts of you.

Innocence and Ignorance
Are your comfort and strength
As you continue on dervish -style,
Unafraid of anything but the
Monster that consumes me,
Leaving me weak with fear.

You are the source of all emotion.
My Lavender scented garden,
My laughter on the wind,
My mephistophelian beast of burden
And my chrism of Love and Hope.
And I am inundated by all
Each time I look at you.

For now I wait,
Longing and praying 
For the moment of release.
The moment when all is well,
When all I see gazing at your visage
Is love and joy.

Author's Note

Written at a time when my then 7 yr old was having tremendous headaches that affected him for days. We were spending a lot of time with doctors testing, looking for causes including brain tumors.

I think I've said more prayers for him than all my other children combined...bit by a water moccasin (cottonmouth), is autistic (aspergers) with sever sensory processing disorder, became suicidal at age 8, and debilitating migraines. He's finally in high school and I'm breathing a bit easier these days. All we've had recently is a broken tailbone.
The autism is much better due to years of therapy and at home strategies that I developed with him. (No I did not use regular protocols..If your curious about that email me.) I'm know that this is the child I worry about most. Now I look at his holding a job and ability to bond with other people enough to have fairly normal relationships.

Reviews

[Michele Harman]

Amazing I am in tears right now. My oldest just told me he was joining the military and I learn that no matter how old they are when they are not with you then you pray for the next second you see them. When they are facing tragedy or danger then that is intensified and you hit it on the nail here.

[JayceeC]

This is an older piece that I still like and continue to find valid because I look and see that balancing act. The not wanting to spoil their excitement with my fears because it would tske away from the moment for them. Yes we spend a lifetime praying for our children.

[CD Campbell]

J, Heartbreaking, somewhat lovely. I love your train of thought throughout this work as a poem. Favorite line is concerning mephistophilese. This devil we assign to everything. How do you review something so intimate? I like the free flow of thought , but what I appreciate is the glimpse inside your character. We know your work and the passions behind it. CD

[JayceeC]

A lot of people have commented on that line as not fitting, but then I ask what would you give to make your child whole and healthy...the temptation to sell your soul is there. CD..I don't put anything up that I cannot handle constructive criticism on my friend...always feel free to have at it. Sometimes it would be a relief.

[BougaTimeBongo]

This captures the feelings of a mother's love and fright for their children, no matter if it's physical harm or the impending ills that fall upon one when growing into adulthood. Very well written.

[JayceeC]

I think fathers probably feel this some, but for women with a strong protective mothering instinct, it is at the forefront.

[Coyote Poetry]

Amazing use of description.
You are the source of all emotion.
"My Lavender scented garden,
My laughter on the wind,
My mephistophelian beast of burden
And my chrism of Love and Hope.
And I am inundated by all
Each time I look at you."
The above lines could stand alone. Very hard to have a child who does not feel good. We feel their pain too. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[JayceeC]

Yes, this is an older write and that is one of my favorite strophes of all that I have ever written. because I think it describes what it is to love unconditionally. Thanks for reading. ~Jan

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome Jan.

[Perkele.7885]

I am getting a clearer picture now. This is a twin to your other request. It is not a trust issue so much as your innate fear for your offspring. You have had ample reason for worry, I can see that. There is no easy answer where autism is concerned. I have a young grandchild so affected. All you can do as a parent is what you are doing. Love them all unconditionally, each in a way that responds to their particular needs. You have received God's gift's because He saw you as a strong woman who could give the care necessary to all your family.

[JayceeC]

I have been blessed. This child is the one that returns my love the most freely. For years I worried about his faith as well. How do you teach a child who sees and thinks in pictures about a god he cannot see. It did not help that he has a very low tolerance for music, and cannot sit in church while we sing. Somehow, my faith rubbed off, because he will talk to me openly about god. The early years were the hardest.

[Perkele.7885]

There is courage in raising this type of child. So many parents just do not have it. So far, My middle daughter seems to be up to the task. We will as time goes on! I wish you con'd success as well.

[AaronFreitas]

A great write my friend! There is nothing more concerning than when your child is sick... it is scary and so many emotions pour out of us. We really see how much we love our children during difficult times such as the one you wrote about. Good work Jan :) I hope he is doing well.

[JayceeC]

Yes Aaron, He's 15 now and pretty much typical boy...but has no self-preservation skills. Still plows through life. This weekend one of the cops who works with my husband asked if he told us they caught him at the river after flash flood rains. (rolling eyes) Hubby is head of public works (infrastructures) department, so it was his first teenage taste that Dad will find out everything...LOL

[sinNsincerity]

Great write about you son in such a difficult time Jan.
Hope all was swell.

[JayceeC]

Hey...Love the new pic. I added a bit to the authors note about him. Things are as good as can be with him.

[wordman]

and in those times you can`t do anything but pray and hope
and feel the fear,and your ability to do little

[JayceeC]

Its a very helpless feeling. One that this child brought to the forefront on many occassion. I think I've said more prayers for him than all my other children combined...bit by a water moccasin (cottonmouth), is autistic (aspergers) with sever sensory processing disorder, became suicidal at age 8, and debilitating migraines. He's finally in high school and I'm breathing a bit easier these days. All we've had recently is a broken tailbone.

[wordman]

you have your hands full,if I could help,i would

[JayceeC]

I've had a wonderful support system, so many things that could be worse are not. Lots of prayer. Thanks for the support.