A Mother's Fear

You are all source of emotion

Sickness strikes
Leaving me to drown
In this saline waterfall deluge.
Worry gorges
On this mother's soul
Feeding upon helplessness;
Morphing into it's own disease
Until the acrid taste of fear
Accompanies thoughts of you.

Innocence and Ignorance
Are your comfort and strength
As you continue on dervish -style,
Unafraid of anything but the
Monster that consumes me,
Leaving me weak with fear.

You are the source of all emotion.
My Lavender scented garden,
My laughter on the wind,
My mephistophelian beast of burden
And my chrism of Love and Hope.
And I am inundated by all
Each time I look at you.

For now I wait,
Longing and praying 
For the moment of release.
The moment when all is well,
When all I see gazing at your visage
Is love and joy.

Author's Note

Written at a time when my then 7 yr old was having tremendous headaches that affected him for days. We were spending a lot of time with doctors testing, looking for causes including brain tumors.

I think I've said more prayers for him than all my other children combined...bit by a water moccasin (cottonmouth), is autistic (aspergers) with sever sensory processing disorder, became suicidal at age 8, and debilitating migraines. He's finally in high school and I'm breathing a bit easier these days. All we've had recently is a broken tailbone.
The autism is much better due to years of therapy and at home strategies that I developed with him. (No I did not use regular protocols..If your curious about that email me.) I'm know that this is the child I worry about most. Now I look at his holding a job and ability to bond with other people enough to have fairly normal relationships.

Reviews

[jeannemarie coulter]

You are the source of all emotion.
My Lavender scented garden,
My laughter on the wind,
My mephistophelian beast of burden
And my chrism of Love and Hope.

really liked these lines...well written as a whole...thank you

[JayceeC]

Thanks for stopping by JC. I think some of these were challenge words used to create the poem.

[Farrah]

Well , I know a close person who has this disease and for the sake of privacy , i won't say who . Great writings!

[JayceeC]

I have written several to Caleb and have had as couple writers here respond to me who also have a form of an ASD. I also have a nephew who has it to a bit higher degree, but still not on the severe end. The journey is a long and difficult one at times, but my oldest brother is also on the spectrum and leads a fairly normal life. They still have friends, the demands on it are just a bit different.

[Farrah]

For me if you see the person I'm talking about you won't even know that she has it until you really zoom in in her life you will know.

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

I am sorry your child has aspergers. I have a fellow friend who has it too and I remember him telling me it was most difficult time during childhood. He came a long way after that, though. And from what you write so did your child. That is wonderful with your love, care, and worry and his determination, strength, and courage, he was able get past all the difficulties that arise with autism and manage it.

In this poem, I feel so much compassion you feel for your child...all the anxiety and caring. Only a true mother's feelings can be heightened to such extent. I used to always tell my mother, "Don't worry!" But she kept saying, "Someday, you will understand my worry when you will have children of your own." I still have yet to have my own, but I can somewhat understand that it doesn't matter if it is a small thing or a big thing that a mother worries about when it comes to her children, it is just an innate feeling of intuition and unconditional love.

[JayceeC]

For someone without children, you already understand so much about being one. What is really the most difficult to explain to people, is that, although you love all of your children, the one with extra needs often has a special place because you go through so much with that child. I look back at those early years and can only see glimpses, but some of them horrify me now, and I wonder how I and my marriage came out the other end whole. I know that is not unique to me. Other families have their problems, they are just not so open about them. We were not for a long time.
Thanks for the unconditional support you always give. It means quite a bit to me!

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

I think I started understanding that when I moved to be with my husband and we got a kitty. Granted, it is a cat and not a child...but every little change in his behavior sent me to a frenzy of worrying. I think it would be the same with me when I do have children.

Indeed, I can only imagine the horrors you and your whole family faced! You guys are so strong for having went through so much. I think that is the true test of relationship strength...not the happy days and happenings, but the rocky situations. Although we wish to have less of those, they do show true colors of others as well as ourselves...either build us or break us.

[JayceeC]

I totally understand about cats...mine are more demanding than my kids at this point.

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

ahahaha...tell me about it! :D
well, i have some piece of advice about many situations cat-wise...mine is the most neediest of them all!

[Carrie.]

Oh, that was a journey. I'm rendered speechless. Thanks, Jan.

[JayceeC]

Funny you've never seen this one before, but the topic was probably not much of interest when I put it up at Elite. Posted the third stanza to lori_tab today. Jaz is a new mom and loving it and definitely having a new mom writes period.

[Carrie.]

New mom writes, so sweet. My favorite is toddler writes, somewhere between "I'm pulling my hair out." and "Little angel".

[JayceeC]

Like this one?

"The Mess"

Quivering in the face of this arduous task,
My rebel mind’s now the insurgent.
No longer complacent, I have to ask
Who's stupendous idea was emergent
As I search for the culprit to unmask.
Who spilled the liquid detergent?

Oh my I still remember trying to clean this up..It was before they made the super low sudsing stuff. LOL

[Carrie.]

Lol, oh definitely.

[Robert]

This is a good piece Jaycee. It shows the struggles you have gone through with your son and his struggles. Nice to hers things are getting better. My daughter has struggles of her own with Cystic Fibrosis, if you have the time read my poem "You". I can totally relate.

[JayceeC]

Thank Robert I'll do that. I think I jinxed myself by posting this. He broke hus radius near his wrist Thursday night. Always something.

[Robert]

Oh No! well hopefully its not too bad.

[Not here]

You really show your emotions well through this piece, and your word choice is some of the best I've read in a long time, if not ever. And I agree with E.G. Ten, this really made me think about my mother more and what moms go through.

[JayceeC]

Thanks David for the review

[E G TEN]

Hello Jan, you show a lot of courage when others might have crumble down, a Love of a Mother is the purest and the strongest love of all, nicely written poem. Thanks for Sharing, bout to call my Mom! ;)

[JayceeC]

Ya Mom's ways worry..thanks EG

[RiverRei]

I'm glad to hear he's better, I'm sorry that you had to go through this. Wonderful poem though. Very heartfelt. I could feel the emotions you felt as I read. Thanks for sharing :)

[JayceeC]

The struggles make sure you never take love for granted.

[Beccy]

We birth our children, nurture and cherish them with a deeply ingrained instinct to protect; and there is nothing worse than the knowledge, that no matter the fierceness of our desire, sometimes we can only pray. I have only the one child; I would have liked more, but it is no longer possible and I cannot imagine life without him.

You are fortunate in your son, (and of course your other three children,) as they are in their mother.

Beccy.

[JayceeC]

Thank you Beccy. I love all of my children with a fierce love that cannot be described, but this one has gone through so much that I tend to hold him a bit closer...well as much as a 15 yrs old boy will allow. We are fortunate to have come through all of his struggles as a stronger family...many do not.

[marcus]

there can be no other pain, akin to the grief of a parent for their child!

[JayceeC]

So true Marcus. Thank you for commenting