Prologue: The Crisis

A young black-haired girl named Chino Tokuma sits inside a shadowy control chamber. She imagines the people above working inside their offices, framed by large glass windows. Now she’s below a shopping center, over a mile underground. Chino’s thoughts are of festive decorations and well-dressed customers making their roulette through carousel doors. Their clicking feet brought to silence as it extends to the depths. A grim shiver cascades across her spine while her stomach twists into naughts.  Allowing her profession to take control of her fingers they instinctively tap across a keyboard. Chino periodically glances up at the mission objectives displayed on a screen that lights the darkened room.  Clearing her throat she adjusts the neck of a narrow microphone. “Okay looks like we got everything set up. Let’s get working with the Mantra-Tech systems check Falcon One.”

“Rodger that, we have, light. The ion engine appears to be operating nominally. Ready and waiting for instructions, over.” A male voice replies with a hint of static.

There she is, an expert at her particular task of maintaining the power stages. A careful balance of percentages. While she works Chino cannot help but think of the crowds walking through the downtown slums. It is simple, a monochrome brown with torn posters lining the walls of events long expired. Now they are meaningless echos of the past, memories in someone else’s mind. A population of several million oblivious to the project, no, the trial proceeding in the shadows of this man-made cavern.

“Begin with the core check Falcon One.” replies a young woman who sits beside Chino. She tugs on the collar of her uniform relieving the ever-growing choke on her throat. The levels on Chino’s monitor jump from green to orange to red in an instant. Her fingers hastily work, gathering up information on the pull from the municipal electric grid.

Billboards line every street. They shine a dull haze of fluttering light while cars bustle through the heavy gridlock. As Chino flips a switch, they dim marginally and buzz back to life. A group of school children pause midway on a busy street to look up in awe as the lights flash dead. In the sudden dark their teacher waves her arms chiding the kids forward.  A lump in Chino’s throat forms as she watches the levels blackout. “Damn it, not now!” she thinks to herself. “Come on, don’t die on me.” Rapidly she flips switches till the lights leap back to life and gradually lower back to a stable condition.

“Rodger, let me see here, Core 1, stable. Core 2, stable. Ah, Core 3, is stable. Core 4, stable.” says the technician.  A heavy crackle of interference over the radio follows.

“Get that line clear.” the commanding officer’s voice booms with authority. Chino smalls into her chair while she works. The soft hand of her coworker closes over her fingers.

Turning to the welcoming eyes of her co-worker, Chino looks on with a fearful gaze. “It will be all right. We got this.” her whisper, a comfort entirely missed on Chino.

A “click” crosses the line as the technician says “Rodger, I apologize, my cable was loose.” the pause following gave Chino a moment to hear the thumping of her own heartbeat.  “Core 6, stable. Everything is working as it should be. I am well on my end. I‘ll broadcast the levels now.” A broken streetlight burns back to life as the clap of thunder roars beckoning rainfall from gray skies.

“Everything looks fine on our end Falcon one, let’s begin the Particle Engine Check.” In the unnatural darkness blue orbs fly like fireflies lighting a warm summer’s night. Chino can not help but admire the colors as she views the spectacle through the screens muddled image. The camera adjusts its lenses focusing on a wisp as it runs in front of the optics.

“Rodger, ah, let me see here.” grunts the technician. The snap of a plastic board cracks over the radio. Inside the control room, Chino looks at her co-workers dressed in white, gray suits managing many switchboards. Many holographic displays in an aura of colors above all their stations.  At her angle their images were nothing more than several lines of bright colors.  They twisted and changed as her own did while searching through the compiled data. “Engines one and two are ok. Ahhhh…. Let me see engine three, is, ok.”

Connected by a meager tether, the technician drifts inside the darkness traveling along the satellite’s channel. The light of the wisps paint the white nylon tricot of his spacesuit a dull blue. His only point of reference wading in the dark void is the satellite, his sense of direction changing as he climbs the rungs of metal and snowy plastic. While he floats around the machine, the excellence in his trade became unmistakable to Chino.

After ensuring the energy levels are stable Chino begins her final check. She draws open a few more screens taking a deep breath. “Headquarters clears you to engage the Mantra Drive Falcon One,” With a gentle lighting of a thruster on his back, the technician glides himself to the edge of the satellite. His feet hang over the panels. After gathering his footing he reaches for another tether from his side and connects it to a rung on the ladder. He clutches the bar of a round switch. With a metallic groan he turns the white cylinder till the surrounding satellite rods light up one by one with a red glow.

“Object spotted, Commander, it’s east of the gate,” Chino jumps as the man stands up and points at his screen. The girl next to Chino pulls up the image on the large wall panel. Her heart flutters for a moment. “This should not be happening.” she thinks to herself. The computer intelligence at once undertakes a lock onto the object. “Falcon 1, there is an object in the distance on your three, do you have a visual?”

Falcon One turns to see a twinkle in the distance. His suit displays a green box around the object.  Inside the box are numbers counting down with an extreme pace. “Rodger, I copy a visual. It’s approaching rapidly.”

“Falcon One do you have a read on the object?” the commander’s voice is strong but there is a hint of something else, worry. The twinkle becomes a flash, and the flash consumes everything in the darkness. A loud haunting crash blows the speakers. Pieces of plastic and metal rain onto the floor as several members of the crew scream. The light turns the satellite to nothing. In an instant, the man loses his suit in the bright ray. His flesh flying abroad, and his bone turning to dust. “Falcon One do you copy.” The commander yells his voice quivering with concern. “Falcon One do you copy. We lost signal Falcon One. What’s happening out there Falcon One.”

~

“Today we remember the twenty-year anniversary of the explosion that wiped out Blue Ash city. The disaster killed over two point three million people reducing everything in its aftermath to rubble in an instant. The smoke from the explosion blocked out the sun for three days. It was the single most destructive disaster in modern history. A new city has formed in its wake. New Ash City; the world’s technological marvel. We remember…” in a flash, the news anchor disappears into the black.

“Yeah, yeah, we all heard it before.” a young girl says with a view looking out over a suburban township.

Reviews

[JayG]

Your bio said you were hoping to sell your work, so I thought you would want to know what steps you need to take to accomplish that. Just bear in mind that what I'm about to say has nothing to do with your talent or potential as a writer. It is is something that you MUST address, though:

The problem you face is that almost universally we leave our schooldays believing that we've learned to write, and with the view that since writing-is-writing, all we need, in addition, is some natural writing talent, a good story idea,practice, and luck. But in that belief, we miss two critical things:

1. After twelve years or more of assigned reports and essays we're great at reports. But did even one teacher explain the difference between a scene on the page and one on the screen? It's significant, so can we write a scene if we don't know what a scene is in our medium? Will we include a short-term scene-goal of we're not aware of why it's necessary and what it does? If no one has defined the three issues that a reader needs to have addressed on entering any scene will we take them into account?

The answer to those questions is no, because as Mark Twain put it: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”. And that "Just ain't so," is a problem you share with pretty much all hopeful writers. So while it's bad news, it's also no big deal, and certainly not a refection on you, personally.

2. All professions and trades are learned IN ADDITION to the skills we're given in our school days. And fiction-writing is a profession. So though we're not aware of it, we leave our school days exactly as well prepared to write a novel as to remove an appendix.

The short version: You, and everyone you know has been reading only professionally written and edited work since your began reading. Given that, doesn't it make sense to acquire those writing skills yourself?

For an overview of the areas you need to look into, the articles in my writing blog are aimed at writers in your situation, and may help, though they're not designed to teach you the techniques of writing to any depth.

Then, devour a few good books on the nuts and bolts issues of writing fiction. James Scott Bell's Elements of Fiction Writing is a good jumping off place. And the local library's fiction writing section can be a huge resource.

But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Jayce Ran]

Well, I would also add Dwight V. Swains work on the subject as well. Along with a number of other writers such as Stephen King's instruction as well. While I take the critique openly that I should further learn the tools but I assure you I have a library of books on the subject.

If you have any specific critique I would love to hear it.

[JayG]

Well, you did ask for specifics, so...

• A young black-haired girl named Chino Tokuma sits inside a shadowy control chamber.

With this line, and the generic approach to description, you distance yourself from the reader. “Young” That could mean she's four, eighteen, or anything between.

“Shadowy control chamber,” makes no sense unless the reader knows what’s being controlled, and if she’s a controller, an observer, or part of a team. And since we don’t know what’s casting those shadows (poor lighting in a power plant? Seriously?), and how that’s meaningful to the plot or the girl, as read, it’s meaningless to the reader. And it matters not at all if you clarify as early as a line later, because you can’t retroactively remove confusion.

This opening line, as written, is probably where an acquiring editor would stop reading it as a submission. I wish I could say otherwise, but as someone who owned a manuscript critiquing service, I know this to be true.

• She imagines the people above working inside their offices, framed by large glass windows

Okay…we don’t know where we are in time and space. We don’t know whose skin we wear. And, we don’t know what’s going on where she is, or her role in it. Given that, why would a reader care what she’s thinking about, in place of what she should be focused on? Clearly, you’re trying to tell the reader what’s going on, in overview, as a narrator talking to the reader, and are using her as an excuse to do that. But stories are focused on the protagonist’s now. They happen, they’re not talked about. The viewpoint should be hers, not yours.

You talk about the people above each having an office with a large window. Have you ever been in the typical office building? It seems not. But forget that, because a line later you talk about a shopping center being above (You watched the latest Stranger Things, I guess). Did you not edit this before posting? It appears not.

• Their clicking feet brought to silence as it extends to the depths.

Okay, it’s obvious that you’re trying to be poetic and literary, and impress the reader with your imagery. Of course feet, and shoes, don’t “click,” so that doesn't work. Stand in your local mall and listen to hear what percentage of the steps click, which thud, and which you can't hear. And of more importance, the subject of the line, the clicking feet,” are NOT brought to silence.

But forget that. You just told the reader that a listener can't hear footsteps from a mile away? All the poetic expression you might use can't take something that obvious and make it interesting.

Look at the presentation: You open with Chino, who is obviously a woman not the “girl” you label her. Then you abandon her to talk about unknown people in offices, who seem to have no relationship to her. Then you talk about unknown people walking in a shopping center in an unknown place—people who appear to have no relationship to her—while poor Chino sits, tapping her toe impatiently, waiting for you to shut up and let her get on with her life.

Bottom line: You’re not telling a story, you’re waxing poetic about things the reader has zero context for, trying to impress them with your choice of language and image, rather than presenting a story. That can’t work. Sure, it’s a good idea to use evocative and vivid language in telling the story, but there must BE a story, not just things happening and reported, minus all trace of context for the reader. Never forget that only you have access to your intent for how the reader should take your words. All the reader has is what your words suggest to them, based on THEIR background and understanding, not yours. And that aside, technobabble in place of real science never works.

As an engineer who has worked in power plants, and who spent forty years designing computers and computer systems, I have to comment that there is zero connection between what you describe happening and what goes on in such a plant—or-will-in-the-future. As a writer, you must do your research—be that for engineering, spying, or something as simple as delivering mail. Never, never, never make up your science. Only if it’s based on the real-world can it be called science fiction.

You say you have a copy of one of Dwight Swain’s book. That’s good, but you need to do more than own it. For example, on page 54 of, Techniques of the Selling Writer, he notes, “Do establish time, place, circumstance, and viewpoint at the very start of each and every scene,” and, “Do demonstrate quickly that some character has a scene goal.” Did you?

On page 77 he says:
- - - -
"To travel thus into the story world, your reader instinctively asks three questions:

(1) Where am I?
(2) What’s up?
(3) Whose skin am I in?

Your job in beginning your story is to provide answers to these questions. Though not necessarily in any particular order."
- - - -

On page 82 he adds, “To begin a story, traditionally, you must first establish time, place, circumstance, and viewpoint.”

Why do I mention these things? Because the opening lacks both a scene goal and the three points just above, and, the viewpoint is that of the narrator, not the protagonist.

I strongly advise you to go back and reread that book, with lots of time spent thinking about what he’s getting at, and practicing each point as it’s raised, so you don’t forget you saw the point three days later.

Not good news, I know, but you did ask, so….

[Jayce Ran]

Woo this is a good one, so I will address the whole thing. Thank you in advance. I am glad you pointed out these things. The first about non descriptive words is really good. I notice it now that you pointed it out. Which means I may take another run through (aka I will take another run through and hammer that.)

"Shadowy Control Chamber" I never really looked at it like that. See I was attempting to cause curiosity rather than confusion. I guess I achieved something with it but not the aim I was hoping for.

Good inside information about editing, I am always looking to learn from people about that sort of thing.

In my defense for Chino's thoughts those are her raw thoughts at that moment. The irregularities in the way the buildings are and setup of the place is more about the oddity of the world I am building. The shopping centers are attached to the same building with the people working upstairs. Its just different floors of the building. The other comments is to show it is during a holiday this is taking place.

I see that did not get the reader into her skin yet. I kind of wanted it to feel like flashes in some ways. It is not without a vision that I wrote it in that style. I think what I am doing is attempting a technique I have little finesse in. And so in doing so my struggle to get the right image across is being hampered.

This was written way before Stranger Things was around. Back in like 2014 I wrote this part. The idea for this was like in 2010 I think. Basically this story has been a playground to learn my style and hone my skills. I knew it was not going to be perfect but I still want to use it to carve my tools out of.

You talk about the people above each having an office with a large window. Have you ever been in the typical office building? It seems not. But forget that, because a line later you talk about a shopping center being above (You watched the latest Stranger Things, I guess). Did you not edit this before posting? It appears not.

• Their clicking feet brought to silence as it extends to the depths.

What I was attempting to do is make the reader picture people walking on the floor above and see the sound carrying the vision of the reader underground into the chamber. Its more locomotion I am looking for than poetry.

So basically you start, with Chino, who is thinking about the offices, then it moves to the floors below, then from the floors below it moves to the underground. Basically I am attempting to paint the image of movement. Sinking into the depths of the chambers.

I see that my technique however was either poorly made or not understood which still goes to poorly made.

This isn't a power plant. It is a ritual device. This later gets fleshed out in further chapters. For now this is a hollow mystery. Trust me I am not going for science fiction this is horror. I dunno if I put it into the horror section or not, I thought I did, I may have been mistaken. The science at best behind electro-magnetic energy being used to allow spirit beings to draw energy is hardly anything loosely psudo. This is also not taking place on earth too btw.

You say you have a copy of one of Dwight Swain’s book. That’s good, but you need to do more than own it. For example, on page 54 of, Techniques of the Selling Writer, he notes, “Do establish time, place, circumstance, and viewpoint at the very start of each and every scene,” and, “Do demonstrate quickly that some character has a scene goal.” Did you?

As for those things, I can kind of see what you are talking about. When I was editing this I felt as though I established those things but now that I am looking at it I am going to have to do some rewriting to further put the reader into the skin and make the goal clear without stating it.

"Not good news, I know, but you did ask, so…."

No no no this is good news for me. It is something concrete I can work with. Something I can think about and apply to my technique. It is not with mercy that someone can learn their trade. If the craft isn't tested it won't have obvious places to improve. You have shown me some very obvious and easy to spot places to improve and I will. I will improve them greatly. Thank you for taking the time to do so. I appreciate this a lot.

[JayG]

• In my defense for Chino's thoughts those are her raw thoughts at that moment.

If the reader has no context to make them meaningful, they don't develop character, move the plot, or set the scene for that reader. And anything that doesn't do one of those (or better yet, more than one), has no meaning for the reader.

• The irregularities in the way the buildings are and setup of the place is more about the oddity of the world I am building.

But that's my point. in providing that information, it's you, talking to the reader—intruding. Unless you give her reason to NEED to think about those things she's just acting as a plaot device, not a person. Remember, it's HER story at this point. She's our focus character. So if something causes her to react, in the moment she calls now, it matters. Anything else is a authorial intrusion.

At the moment, you're thinking in terms of telling the reader a story. But readers aren't interested in that. They want to be made to live the story in real-time with her as their avatar. How she views her immediate situation is the mother of her behavior. What resources she has; the forces driving her; her imperatives and desires, they matter if we're to become her and understand her behavior. In other words, don't talk about her, place the reader into her viewpoint.

To better understand why I hit this point so strongly, look at how strongly the protagonist's viewpoint can influence what the reader takes away from the scene:
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/the-grumpy-writing-coach-8/

• So basically you start, with Chino, who is thinking about the offices, then it moves to the floors below, then from the floors below it moves to the underground.

That's not story, it's a tour, given without making the reader WANT to take it. It doesn't set the scene in that room. It doesn't show her character. And it doesn't relate to the plot. What it does do is place you—someone not in the story,—on stage.

You're thinking in terms of a film, where we might have an establishing shot to set the scene. But the reader cannot see the picture in your mind, or know your intent for what you're including. They expect you to place them in the protagonist's mind in real-time, as the story unfolds.

That opening scene, on film, would take a minute or less. There would be ambient music adding a growing tension. But in print form, the reader must plow through 1200 words. So they read for nearly fifteen minutes. And what happens? We meet someone who has an unknown job in what appears to be an underground power-plant in an unknown city in an unknown year. Something unknown happens to screw things up and she dies. Fifteen minutes and five pages of reading to have someone we don't know enough about to like or dislike die? She's real to you, but as a reader,who is she, and why did that extended description matter? I have no idea.

• This isn't a power plant. It is a ritual device.

You know that. Chino knows it. Everyone in the story knows it. But how can the people you wrote it for know it based on this? I have no clue of what a ritual device is, in terms of this story, or what this one is for. But if mt protagonist does, shouldn't I?

The problem with writing from the outside in, as you do here, is that when something is obvious to you, you'll not take the time to make it clear to the reader. That's why we need write from the protagonist's viewpoint and edit from the reader's. That way, what matters to the protagonist matters to the reader, because the protagonist is focused on what has meaning to them, as it appears to them.

In outside-in mode, the characters all think with your mind and speak with your voice because plot, not situation as they view it dictates their actions. If you need them smart they add IQ points and turn to Sherlock Holms. If you need them to miss something they obligingly dumb down. How can that seem real?

You talk about "your writing style." But think about what that is. While you were in school you wrote mostly reports and essays, to prepare you for the kind of writing your future employers would need from you. So after all that practice you're pretty good at writing, as long as what's needed is a report or essay. But reports and essays inform, as does all nonfiction. They're author-centric, as this story is. And, if necessity, it's fact-based.

But...fiction's goal is to entertain the reader by providing an emotional, not an informational experience. Thet gives them an emotional stake in the protagonist's success. So fiction is emotion-based and character-centric—a style of writing that your teachers never mentioned as existing. But that makes sense, because fiction-writing is a profession, and professions and trades are learned IN ADDITION to the general skills we're given in our school-days

So while you have the wordsmithing skills, the desire, and the needed perseverance, you're missing the specialized knowledge and skills of our profession. It's not a matter of talent or potential, at it's base it's a misunderstanding we all leave school with.

And think about it. Since you began reading, you, and everyone you know, have been consuming, almost exclusively, professionally written and prepared fiction. So those professional skills are what readers are trained to expect. Given that, it makes sense to spend a bit of time and perhaps a few coins in acquiring the skills the pros take for granted. Right?

• I am going to have to do some rewriting to further put the reader into the skin and make the goal clear without stating it.

But you have a problem that gets in the way, one defined in my favorite Mark Twain quote: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

How do you fix the problem you don't recognize as being one? You have the finest book on writing technique ever written. It's a bit dated, and the section on research can be replaced with, "Use Google," but that said, pretty much everything I said about this story is a condensation and restating of what you'll find in that book.

Read it again, slowly. Think of how each point he raises relates to YOUR writing. You'll find yourself slapping your forehead and shouting, "Wait...that's so obvious. Why didn't I see that? Of more importance, it has the power to dramatically change your writing.

When I found that book I'd already written six unsold novels. I thought I was doing pretty damn well, and was close to publication. I wasn't.

I'd read a point, fix it on all six of my novels, and shake my head at how dumb I was for having to have it pointed out. Then, I'd go back to Swain's book and do it again, over and over, while becoming more and more upset. I nearly put the book aside, because it made me feel so inadequate to the task. But I didn't, and I sold the next novel I queried for, And the next. Then three short stories and two more novels. I wish you the same frustration...and result.

[Jayce Ran]

Actually you hit the nail on the head when you pointed out the prospective I am coming from it at. That is film. I tend to do that. I look to film in order to inspire me, sometimes comic books. I am a visual artist; when I am writing I tend to lean on that trade. So the questions I ask myself when I am writing is, what do I see, what do I want the reader to see? What are the characters senses and their thoughts? So I try to stay in that form. However there is also things I don't want my reader to see.

I just picked up my copy of Techniques Of The Selling Author and I am going to read through it again. I can see what you are saying. Some of it I can't and disagree with, which is more of an indicator to me I got something wrong in the mix. I got out a fresh notebook to help me pick up a little more. Find those sharp places and apply them, that way I can train myself to see it better.

Thank you again for your time. I appreciate the look through of my work. Hopefully I improve to make it worth your while.

[Jayce Ran]

I just got a major breakthrough already. I see it, I got into that first section about education to write by facts and not feeling. I get it. I see it clearly now.

Instead of writing of typing, explain how the typing feels. I been writing with concrete when I should be making it more like liquid. Let the tide I create lead not the pathway.

[PaintedBirdy]

pretty good so far. i'm interested in reading more. the only thing that caught my attention was that you write in present tense, whereas most prose is written in past tense. but i write in present tense in a lot of my stuff too, so i'll defend it, haha. keep writing :)