Naked B***h

A "this is not a love poem," poem.

NAKED B***H

 

 

Oh naked b***h with whip and chain

You flay my soul, you burn my brain

You give me hate, and only pain

(Yet here I am with you again)

 

Oh naked b***h with eyes of flame

It’s not for me your heart to tame

To you it’s all a boring game

(I cannot seize your secret name)

 

Oh naked b***h when will it end?

My dreams you break, my soul you rend

In hell with you, my time I spend

(It’s me who’ll break, you’ll never bend)

 

Oh naked b***h with hip and thigh

Oh hear my prayer, and heed my cry

You bind my soul, my life you tie

(Please stop the hurt, and let me die)

 

Oh naked b***h, my life you crush

My dreams all torn, their contents gush

And yet to you again I rush

(And when I cry, you tell me hush)

 

Oh naked b***h, I made you so

With deed and word, and even blow

The things I did you’ll never know

(Oh naked b***h I love you so)

 

Oh naked b***h who I adore

Though thousands lay upon the floor

We run to you and ask for more

Oh naked b***h

Your name is War!

Author's Note

This began as something angry, though I can't remember what brought that mood. And truly, I didn't know what I was writing about till I reached the last stanza. And that wrote itself. I chose iambic tetrameter because the drumbeat cadence, and the repeated rhyme seemed to add momentum.

The change-up from declaration to editorial comment in L4 of each stanza but the last was meant to lower the intensity of the drumbeat, as a contrast and virtual pause, though I have no idea of what prompted me to to make the line parenthetical, other than it seemed, to me, to imply a whisper. It seemed to work for me, but...well, everything works for the one who writes it.

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

I didn't expect that revealing turn of words. As the poor tortured one complained of Naked B***h's cruel treatment, I thought, "Well, why do you avail yourself to her? Seems like you don't mind it all that much." Then the surprising truth comes. Your technical explanation is wasted on me, unlearned, as I am, but I can still enjoy the poem on its face.

[andrew mitchell]

Always a pleasure to read your work, so damn perfect in all symmetries and facets of writing poetry, well structured with lovely imagery to match.

[danielle.]

Wow! Simple but powerful prose that can be interpreted in many ways but with a twist at the end. The construction is flawless. Very cleaver. Awesome poem!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

I enjoyed the technical side of the piece with the meter and flow together with the descriptive language used. Indeed an entertaining write, although I personally see a naked woman, even one with a whip and stilettos, as too beautiful to provoke images of the broken, shattering, gut wrenching, futile, sadness of war.

[Willow Marie Perrin]

I really like this! It flows well and it rhymes (which is something I love about poetry. I could never really get into the ones that didn't rhyme.)

Very clever, very emotional. Kind of raw, or exposed. It makes the reader uncomfortable in a good way. It confronts things we humans don't publicly.

Very neat!

[Dark_Duckling]

Woah, that was one really naked b***h.
I like

[Coffee Lady]

I loved the parts in parentheses.Thank you for sharing.

[Robert Trakofler]

it did work for me too >(those parenthesis) I loved the cadance and the whispers. She is indeed a naked b***h and you captured her perfectly. Thank you for sharing this good sir!

[H L Rose]

The idea is provoking and it's written uniquely and provokingly.

I do think that throughout the poem you could use better word choice.

Stanza 1: “Flay my soul” is a fantastic line.“Burn my brain” seems less provoking, but the sounds and flow of the words work well in the line, so really what do I know. “you give me hate, and only pain” is a bit of a let down as the following line, because it isn't as enticing. I think choosing different words besides “hate” and “pain” may grab the reader more.

Stanza 2: I like the theme of this stanza and “eyes of flame” is a good line.
Lines two to three have a strange jump in concepts that don't really flow. It seems line two, “It's not for me your heart to tame” needs an explanation for why, and line three, “To you it's just a boring game” would be that explanation. However, it doesn't explain anything. Why does it being a game relate to the heart not being for the “me” to tame? Also, it doesn't ever seem to be explained why the “name” is “secret”. Perhaps I am missing something?

Stanza 3: I think this stanza is cool. Nothing is said in a really cliché manner, and “my dreams you break” is especially unique. If anything, I may say using “break” twice might be bad word choice, but it's probably fine.

Stanza 4: You may be using “soul” too often as line three has it's 3rd usage and this is only the 4th stanza. The first two lines of this stanza are good. “My life you tie” in line three feels a little open ended. Tied how or to what? Tying a life could be a good thing if it's tied in a pretty bow, or a bad thing if it's tied to a burning bridge. “Please stop the hurt” doesn't seem to offer much. It's a little cliché and boring.

Stanza 5: I think this is a good stanza too. Repetition in a poem obviously isn't always bad, and the repetition in the beginning of the stanzas are well placed, however this is the second time you have mentioned “dreams” and you have repeated a lot of other words up to this point too. I actually think the repetition of dreams would be okay if there wasn't a lot of repetition with other words already. You may want to hold back a bit on some words and find more diverse word choice.

Stanza 6: This stanza is cool because it turns the idea of the poem on it's head, but it is also confusing. “I made you so” is an enticing line and the reader is shocked and wants to know more, but they don't get a lot of explanation and just receive some confusing information. Line 3 I think is especially confusing and given by the next stanza that the subject is “war” why would it “never know”?

Stanza 7: I think this is a great way to end the poem. I also think this stanza flows especially well. Punctuation would perhaps help a bit with a comma after “adore”. Also we now know the name but have never understood why it was “secret” like stated in stanza 2.

Overall, I let free some criticism but I don't hate it and I do like the concept. Mostly I just think the word choice could be better.

I enjoyed analyzing this!