Awake

Because a very special lady isn't with me...but should be.

Awake

I woke, enveloped within the comfort only your warmth can bring
My head was nestled into the curve of your shoulder, my hand on velvet skin, stroking.

But you weren’t there.

Memory brought the scent of woman: gentle, and softly sated with pleasure
So warm with sleep, so twined with hints of passions past:
An ambiance of morning…a residue of night…a reason for joy and tears

But you weren’t there.

I woke with you gathered tightly around my being, comforting and exciting, both at once.
I woke to memories and to desire, and to comfort, as my lips--of themselves--"sought yours.

And then, you were there. But only for a moment:
In warmth
In passion
In comfort
In life
In all that matters.

But then, sadly, reality brought a sigh, and a turning inward
And on waking, I wept.

Because you weren’t there.

Author's Note

I fixed the M-dash problem and the swapped last two lines on 10/3/18.

Reviews

[andrew mitchell]

Hi jay great work from a master in poetry. I always find your reviews of others works educational and most informative ie concise. This was just excellent.

[marilyn 1225]

so so sad at times I think that I am alone with similar feelings , but many people around our world have loved and lost that dearest person/ friend etc
your beautiful poem with that haunting repetition is well done and profoundly painful... and written so well.

[Norbanus]

The words are few, but meanings numerous,
Each of us feel our own resplendent grief.
Those who know all and feel most generous,
bring evil to our souls and not relief.

Time smirks at us, for we are standing strong,
'Builds character?' That notion is debunked.
No matter of the pressure or how long,
the ambiance of morning has been junked

So, stand upon our patience and our trust,
One day we'll find it's passed despite the hitch
Contempt for memory's fresh, disgusting lust,
We bury these reflections in a twitch.

Past deeds rush in to try and make a case,
Ignoring all those tears upon the face,

[k]

You've managed to perfectly capture the tone of loneliness and want through this poem. You utilize repetition well with the line "but you weren't there" which acts as a refrain for the poem. There's some really nice diction/syntax in here, it was a joy to read.

One thing you could consider in revision is making it a bit clearer when "she" is physically there and when she is not, and if the speaker is imagining her as there then that could be clearer as well. As I was reading it, I found myself having a hard time deciphering what was imagination, what was figurative, and what was "her" actually physically being there.

All in all, this is a really lovely poem. I hope this review is helpful!

[Phoebe Taylor]

Beautiful words! This poem really had me hooked and I felt a deep connection to it. I have experienced this myself, with constant memories and flashbacks of someone I was once madly in love with. It is an odd experience, as it is painful yet beautiful and your words portray this perfectly.

[The Seeker of Thoughts]

I have few words to say. I can feel the sorrow and the joy woven into the powerful words. Thank you for your experience it resonates well with the human heart and soul.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

oh my Jay...

there is someone from my past who is the spirit of this poem...at least as i relate...
sometimes she is still there for me, even though i know she is with another and quite happy....there was love once...and i know that on both sides feelings remain...but circumstance overrode and life for the two of us went in opposite directions...but good memories still lie next to me on that other pillow.
thank you for this...

j.

[williamisles]

Constructive plus constructive equals constructive. Constructive plus criticism equals constructive criticism. Meeting in Constructive Criticism is as far to the middle path as one can go to hold them in order to lift them up. Once constructive criticism is complete; constructive-constructive-constructive.

[Shannon Miller]

You write so beautifully...I wish you would give others constructive criticism instead of bringing them down. There's a lot others could learn from you if you weren't so self-righteous in your view of the writing of others.

[JayG]

Telling people of the problems in the work, why those things are a problem, and how find the information needed to fix it IS constructive. What you want is a two paragraph, "Do this instead of that."

But fiction and poetry are fields that have been under construction for centuries. And though we leave school believing that we've been taught to write, in reality, we're taught only the tricks of nonfiction writing, which are as useless as verbal storytelling on the page.

It's not that I don't, or won't tell people what to do, it's that you cannot condense a subject for which they offer four year majors at the university into a 300 word post.