Ashes in My Mouth

Emotions can make someone crazy, I think.

I always loved you, and I know that I proved it time and again, even if you weren’t the one to see it. But I knew you well enough to know that something like this was bound to happen. How couldn’t it? By the time it all came down to what happened, I expected this from you. I knew that you’d do this to me, and what does that say about me to think of you so callously?

I warned you, time and again, to watch out for him, your ex, because of who and what he was. I use the past tense as if that changes anything. He is still a horrible, rotten person that doesn’t even deserve the title of “man”, let alone that of “father” or “husband”.

You shouldn’t have made the decision to go back to him while in the wake of the two losses you had to face within a week. You should have been wise enough to know that you weren’t going to make the good judgment call in this matter. I warned you, and still you ignored me.

Then again, you seldom ever listened to the advice I gave; you constantly shunned my love and support, so I’m not really that surprised that you cheated me out of happiness. But I’m still hurting. There were so many of your promises broken because you’d rather believe in his lies rather than accept my proven love and support.

Right on the cusp of being away from him for good, for yourself and your children, you throw it all away just to fit back into a fabled sense of belonging and security. Don’t you remember the hurt he put you through, how he used your children against you, in spite of you. Don’t you remember how he tried to buy his way into your bed, how he hurt you physically, mentally, and emotionally?

And yet it’s me that suffers from this. It’s my trust and loyalty you spat back in my face. It’s my trust and love that you violated when you went back to him. And you have the audacity to defend him against me? I’ve never been wrong about him, and I predicted his actions as if I were reading a children’s book. And I warned you that he would take advantage of you in the time of your loss, and you were stupid enough to fall for it.

You think that you’re going to make a better life with him? You honestly believe that he’s changing, when he hasn’t changed at all in the last twenty-five years, except to get worse? You’re a coward to go back to him, and how quickly you’re willing to hurt me just to avoid being hurt by someone else.

There were so many different ways out of this, but you chose the one that will take away that brief sense of freedom and wonder you had, and put you not only back into the bad situation, but a life that is going to get worse because you tried to leave it behind. So, you ruin what’s left of your life, letting him turn you once again from a woman into a piece of meat. And you throw me away after all the time and effort put into being there for you as a woman leaving a man, and as a woman trying to find her sense of self.

I believed in you, and honestly put myself on the line hoping that you would be the woman you wanted to be. I was the only man who ever looked at you as an equal. I gave to you everything you wished you could have and never had with your ex. I gave you more love and respect in our short time together than he ever gave you throughout your entire marriage. And yet I’m the one to suffer.

Every promise you made to me, every time you said you loved me and had me believing in you, feels like ashes in my mouth. Soon you’re going to realize just how right I was about him, and how hard it’s going to end up being for you. You made the wrong choice, and now I have to live with the fact that you’d leave a good person behind just to be with a monster, and that when you realize it in the near future, I’ll know and have to carry that burden for the both of us.

I hope your delusions of grandeur were worth it, because now you have to face that road alone, without your friends, without your family, and without your support, because you know as well as I do that he won’t allow you to have them anymore.

Reviews

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Interesting. I really enjoy this story- envisioning and everything.
It sounds like someone I know...