I never speak of you, usually

This took 4 years to finally write what I wanted to write all that time, in a clear-headed way. It's all true. God, it hurt. Now, I'll hush.

The last time I truly saw you, I was huddled under a thunderous sky,
thumb out, hitching back to Pukekohe to get away.

You let me go. You let me be a fool, another wanderer wondering
about what-could-have-beens translated to tumbling leaves on the highway.

And now, four years on, I thank you; I know you're in England somewhere,
working your a*s off like you always did, travelling with a new man.

He adores you, I know. He takes cares of your every whim, unlike me,
a narcissistic, sedentary poet, too caught up in the complexities of maudlin life.

Take back this thunderous sky I called upon. Take back the four years of straining
to find another artist like you; but you gave all of that up when the fires died.

I was fifteen; you, seventeen. We were Zeus and Hera, Romeo and Juliet.
No passionate wild love like this could ever endure past seven years, I don't think.

Why grow old with the niggly feeling you may have had of children on your lap
by now? Why steam and fret over a collision of souls meant for different pastures?

The last time I saw you, I flung dinnerware and tables off of the balcony.
I was a selfish boy, a belligerent boy. I had to grow up.

Reviews

[Lauren Xena Campbell]

There is a lot said here and I think it is great that you have finally said what you needed to, no matter how long it has taken. I realise relationships take work, I have had a couple myself, all of them have ended badly, and after the end I always wondered, was it good that I got out or have I lost something wonderful? I guess none of us will never truly know the answer to that until the day the story books turn to reality and we get our own happy endings. I loved the tone of this piece, cut down the middle, the confusion and contrast in thoughts. "You let me go. You let me be a fool" I really enjoyed this poem and it has made me think a lot about my own situation. Thank you for sharing this, it is deep and wonderfully beautiful and honest, glad you finally found the words.

[theludus]

had of children=typo=thweeeeeeeerup

Been here Ace, with a J

Just finished writing a poem about a guy with a monogamous heart who had loved 3 times in the way you speak of here, and had to turn the fourth away like the inn keeper with no room. It's the single best piece I've read from you, and as you know I haven't exactly been shy with the faves. Rich with subtexts and plot and what have you, but the key ingredients are time, massive change, as the soul rights itself from the cruelest of prunings, and is it ever really righted? Do we sail off in sturdy ships of fairytale endings or do we merely careen out into the ocean a respectable distance from prying eyes and eventually give in to our compromised hulls. These are real life questions despite the mixing metaphors. You take me back, and that's skillful, and heart-rending. Love ought to carry a poison label, and I think it's worse when something that powerful comes to you too young. But Dorothy, you are all grown up now-- and the thing the writing highlights is that we have such a capacity for pain, it's quite beautiful then to see by use of logic how beautifully and ardently we must also love. This is the nightmare we dream, crueler still, it is the reality we wake in to. There are many more where this came from no doubt but kudos for working as honestly as you have here.

[G]

We have all gone through the pangs of growing up, being to young for the relationship we were in at that time. The reflection and the not placing blame...priceless. The thunderous skies reflecting the turmoil of youth, nice imagery.

[Laura E. Aranda]

And you will never forget this experience....thanks for sharing such a heartfelt piece. Cheers,lea
ps. I love the imagery of the thunderous skies....nice

[Chris Zahar]

Oh God, man, this almost brought a tear to my eye because I was in that situation just last year. I had the most beautiful, wonderful girl in the world (of all places - from PARIS!) and I threw it away on one stupid night where I let my emotions get in the way of my logic. I felt every brutal, sweet word like it was a nail in my own coffin. Wonderful read, brother.

[Mark]

You may never speak of, but will always remember. The one that hurts the most also teaches us the most. And the hardest to put into ink. I'll wager there's more to say than this even ... it'll seep out in many ways. Hurts like hell thinking too much about it though. That's okay. It's part of why you write.

[Toni Prehoda Kahler]

You know, I don't think this poem is at all about her, it is about you.....or perhaps I'm wrong....

I don't see anything but you, alive with powerful emotion..."Take back this thunderous sky I called upon", and you, loyal as hell ..."Take back the four years of straining to find another artist like you;.."

I like the understated way you speak of your jealousy, your regret, contrasted with your vigorous last lines. Great contrast between the impulsive boy and the now calmly reflective grown-up guy.

I am curious about the first words of first lines: The last time I truly saw you...." and the first words of the last lines: The last time I saw you...." I am wondering what "truly" represents....

So again I am looking: I see that the thunderous sky in the opening lines where you actually saw her, makes me understsand that you are (shouting quietly) asking her to take those memories back, the scenes that kept you longing and belonging (but not) for so many years.

The more I read this, the more I get from its subtleties.... In my past, also, someone, and me, also, long at letting go....

[Xtabber]

Nothing is more powerful than the "shoulda' coulda's" and you've captured that I love this:
"I was fifteen; you, seventeen. We were Zeus and Hera, Romeo and Juliet.
No passionate wild love like this could ever endure past seven years, I don't think."

The first line, young naive, over the top love. The second, a simple statement that it couldn't have lasted. Great contrast.

Liked this a lot. It resonated with me, and probably a few others as well.

Good job!

[[untitled]]

I actually know how to pronounce Pukekohe having lived in Hawaii for a year.
Notable flames go beyond reason and I've had a few in my 55 years
and say they never go away. Especially an artist!
Wonderful poem my friend.
Jack

[Touché Armada]

Hey J... You know all too often I read and ponder then I sit and stair thinking to myself what could anyone say about these confidences people release into the wilds? There is nothing, nothing that feels right to offer.. So all I can do when I read work such as this is appreciating just how similar we all are despite differences there is so much in every person's life so similar. Some people become bitter and others are like you with their smoky ocean tendrils that gently sway with their environment. I really appreciate how softly softly you redress distant and surely tender yesterdays, and examine them all over so gently before placing them back down carefully to almost see them fading out a little more with passing time and forgiveness's. Too much blah blah? Sorry if it was.. But I just hardly ever know what to say, yet want to say something.

[xlynne]

well its good that you've finally figured out what you wanted to say. theres is such plain emotions here that you are describing. relationships can be hard and you really have to work at them. i dont know if this is the tone that your poem is really displaying, it might just be me, but you seem relieved to have finally figured out how you feel about it all.