The Void

Of Lost Shame.

"In So Much Doubt That Starves Tomorrow.

 Fearing So Much To Loose In Your Window.

 A Once Silent Tear Faded Into Mist.

 Holding A Lost Regret In A Tight Fist.

 A Simple Smile Turns Around With A Grin.

 Hope Is Still Within This Darkest Hour Of Sin.

 

 For Once In This Moment It Fell Apart.

 Are You Still Looking Down For Your Heart?

 You Wont Find It For Its Lost In The Darkness.

 Feel A Life Worth Nothing As You Become Wingless.

 Fallen To Far To Grab The Ledge Of Reality.

 Rise Your Head To See It All Become Hazy.

 Swim Through Thoughts In The Rain Of Honey.

 Sweet Embrace Disappears Like Drinking A Frosty.

 But Once Its All Comes Falling Down.

 In The Falling Fire With A Final Showdown.

 Between You And Your Self To See Who Survives.

 Fight The Darkside In The Mirror To See Who Strives.

 Walk Into Your Hearts Discord To Find Hope.

 Ask Your Self Will It Come To An End On This Slope.

 Having Left All Behind To Go Forth Just To Avoid.

 But Still You Are The One Left Without Love In This Void."

 

 

Reviews

[.........]

You have a very nice flow to your writing and your ideas are well thought out, but I do wonder why you've capitalized every word because that is a bit distracting for me, but other than that I like the poem and I think you have the potential to write about something even more powerful and raw.

[Sleeping Maiden]

wow, i'm impressed by your words. You describe such pain and sorrow well..
This hurts my heart but i truely enjoyed reading it! I can just relate to it.
Your imagery is amazing too. I could picture this so well in my mind...
Lost hope... waiting for that light... ^^
Beautifully written.. =)

[Deandra Dawn]

Very good. My favorite line would have to be, A once silent tear faded into mist....beautiful

[quarintine_deathangel]

The way you write this, reading you feel in a dark empty and open space. Excellent description and nice job on keeping withh your style. It was an interesting read ^.^

[None]

You have some amazing lines in here. I am intrigued by your capitalization of all the words, too. Here are my thoughts, please take them only as suggestions, not criticism.

- What lines are your favorites and actually express what you are meaning to say, and which lines only bridge between those lines? My observation: some of the lines, especially the frosty one, go against the grain of the poem. As the writer, I think if you had someone read it out loud to you, you would know which lines these were.

- You have mastered the idea of the void in this: wingless, avoid, falling, darkness, slope, etc. are all wonderfully crafted work choices. All of these and where they are placed, as if a sugar cube on the tip of a tongue, are perfect. My observation: the form you have chosen of four lines seems to hamper the poem. Choose and experiment with a "void" format for your lines.

- Question: you have a rhyme scheme and pattern, but then it falls apart, somewhat like a building void in the poem: chaos. I think if you worked on this further, especially with the whole capitalization thing, this could serve the poem. That, or maybe scratch the rhyme scheme and pattern and find better words to serve your purpose, or maybe a better word order.

- I've got to say, your title is perfect. They say that the title is like the first line of the poem, but more. Yours serve this purpose masterfully.

Good work! If you decide to change things, please post the changes! Would love to see what you do with this. :)