Bernie Part 2

A Story by Offbeat Z

Low clouds rolling overhead, I sat with incense burning to the left of me, a box with tarot cards to my right and the Ouija board directly in front of me on the freshly turned soil. It was colder than usual in the cemetery.

Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse. There had been movement out behind the graves, two rows behind. Could this be what I was there for?

"Whomever is out there, make yourself known!", I shouted.

"Who the hell uses the word 'whomever' anymore?", replied a familiar voice.

It was my old friend, Bernard (aka Death, or the Grim Reaper). Sometime back, we met when he desperately needed to use my bathroom.

"What the f**k brings you here? I mean it's not like you're going to get much action, considering your line of work, out here.", I said.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, but the portal is right over there, next to Karen Carpenter's grave."

"Hey! I've been there! One of my ex's...well, he took me to her grave on our first date. That, and he paid for gas in pennies."

"Sounds like a classy dude. You sure know how to pick 'em, Crys.", muttered Bernard.

"I sure do. So, sir, where is your work taking you tonight?"

"A rarity, tonight is my night off. I just needed to get my drink on, is all."

I asked, "Aren't you just a skeleton underneath that cloak? I mean, all I see is those glowing red eyes, but from what I have seen from TV and movies..."

"Damn! Do all of you people get ALL of your information from TV and movies? I DID use your bathroom before, didn't I? Think woman! Think!", Bernard shouted, now quite obviously annoyed.

"Alright, man! Chill the hell out! I apologize! Let me drive you somewhere to get that drink. I'm buying, ok?"

We headed off in my tiny sports car. The top of Death's cloak was touching the convertible's cover. He was much too tall for this vehicle, but Bernard made do.

The first place that caught my eye was a dive, yet my car made it's way into one of the empty parking spaces in front of the grisly little bar and grill. We made our way inside, and sat in the closest booth to the door.

After having sat there for roughly 10 minutes, the waitress finally decides to make her appearance. She was a weathered woman, mid fifties, with her thick red hair pulled back into a bun. The wrinkles were deep, probably from years of smoking, drinking, sun and just a generally hard life. I noticed though, that the Grim Reaper took a liking to this woman.

"What'll ya'll have?", asked Flo.

"I'll have tequila. What do you want Bernie?"

"It's BERNARD! And I'll have a Zima."

"A Zima? What a f****n' pansy you are! I had no idea that Zima was still on the market.", I said, trying not to laugh.

Flo cut in. "I'll be right back with those"

"Are you trying to embarrass me, Crys? She hot, and you're killing my chances with her."

That got me thinking, so I had to ask, "If you DID have a chance, wouldn't you kill her as soon as you touched her?"

"Yeah....so? You think I care as long as I get some? Geez, you have a lot to learn if I'm going to pass the job onto you someday.", replied Death.

"Pass the job? I would be the next Death?"

"Yeah, if you want it, when it's 'your time', you can have it. Though you will have to go through a 3 week training course, but it's paid. What do you say?"

"Ummmm....sure. Why not? It's not like I had a clear career path set up for when I arrive in hell anyway. I'll do it.", I said.

"Give me a minute. We'll continue this, but I have to take a piss first."

Bernard got up quickly from the table, as I was reading the profanities that had been carved into the table.

15 minutes later, and I'm starting to get aggravated. I peer out the window only to see Death and Flo walking across the street, headed for the seedy motel.

"That f****r ditched me!", I thought to myself.

I headed to the bar, had 4 more shots and asked the bartender to call me a cab.

All I kept thinking on the ride home was, "I hope he was serious about that job."