Untitled P2

A day like any other, a normal family like the rest. A young mother on the brink of giving birth, glowing with pride, she rushed to the town hospital.

Meanwhile outside a strange phenomenon started occurring outside, the weather started to shift, dark clouds ascended over the town. Lakes and rivers became choppy; thunders shook the grounds below. The townspeople fled to the safety of their own homes. Fear spread throughout, echoes of children’s whimpers haunted the air. They’ve never experienced such volatile weather before, flash floods ruined the harvests, lightning burnt trees to the ground. It was a state of an emergency that paralyzed the people. The elders had not predicted this; they never saw it coming. Meanwhile, back at the hospital the young mother, unfazed by the current events, gave birth to a beautiful little girl. Her eyes filled with tears of joy, a smile so sincere. Love and pride radiated from her being, and at this moment everything stood still. The sun began to push away the darkness, the floods soon evaporated as if it were an act of God. The people soon returned to daily life, repairing any damages as if it never happened.

The elders on the other hand grew nervous, deep down they knew this could be the start of something terrible, a tear in the fabric of the society they’d created. A secret meeting was called amongst the elders. A large round table with ten handcrafted wooden chairs around it dominated the room. Rich red velvet curtains blacked out any light. Just a single candle lit the room. Nine figures entered, chanting an old ancient language, the flames began to flicker. A heavy silence pressured the air. An anxious unsettling feeling spread like a virus amongst them.

“It has been many years since this shift has took place, all our work, all our efforts could be at risk. As legend is told every one hundred years, a force will return to take back out perfect town, as no one has lived long enough to witness this we must keep it hidden, if anyone were to find out… well.”

Whispers of uncertainty grew louder. “But where is this ‘force’ then? Aslak, elder of the harvest questioned Berlam.

Berlam was in charge of the towns wealth, a large and sturdy man with the most bellowing voice. There had always been resentment between them since ‘the incident’.

“It is told to be a young man, a king from an outer town, that’s what the prophecy says.”

They knew they had to create a plan, each using their specialties collectively, they sat there into the early hours of the dawn. They grew more and more frustrated as time went on.

“All we can do is be patient. Prema, as you’re in control of protection, you must report any activity of any attempting visitors from the past year, maybe there’s an anomaly there?”

Prema nodded and departed. “The rest of you, go about your duties, subtly question the folk but be careful to arouse suspicion. We don’t want to ruin our own work with disbelief in us, I want this week’s feast larger and richer than any other, we must show that we are necessary, they realize we aren’t needed, we become worthless… we’ll become extinct!”

A shudder hit all of them as the dispersed frantically to protect their creation. A fight for their own existence had begun and the townspeople none the wiser…

 

Reviews

[Agyani]

This is a good sequel to the first chapter. I kind of sensed that something like this would unfold. The ending of the previous chapter readied me as a writer that something ominous could happen, and it did. So there's a nice flow to the story, I'll give you that!

The story itself is good and interesting. However, you can put some effort into detailing and language.

When I say detailing, I mean to give the reader more details about not just the place but the characters as well. If you don't want to focus on any character in the beginning since they are not central to the story, you can at least elaborate on what's happening and how the different characters are reacting. For example, you can talk more about the sudden change in weather on the birth of the child. Show the reader how the village folk reacted. They ran here and there, but what was going through their minds? How frightened were the kids, and how uneasy were their parents?

As to the second point, you need to work on the grammar a bit. A few things missed doesn't really affect the reader as long as they have a good story to keep them hooked, and yours seems like a pretty good story! But if there are more than a few syntax issues, then it becomes difficult to ignore. Go through the text again and you will see what I'm pointing at.

Keep at it. It's always good to read an interesting story. :)