UNTITLED

A Story by JMumford

Something strange is going on... Can Verity found out what?

There was a town, hidden in the deepest depths of the black forest. The trees so tall that barely any sunlight reached the floor, weeds so thick and wild that there had been no visitors for over a hundred years. At the centre laid a lake, glistening and peaceful, silhouettes of fisherman dotted along the horizon, townspeople at the market going about their daily lives. The sound of horse and carriage echoing the narrow pebbled streets. Quaint rows of houses, side by side, all with perfect little gardens and flowers that blossom all year round. Not a thing out of place, birds chirped the same tune at the same time without fail. No one saw sunlight until midday as a result of the giant barricading trees, the bells of the town hall bellowed through awakening every soul around, and so another day in paradise. Another daily routine fulfilled to suit the natural order.

It was a beautiful place filled with beautiful people. Life was simple here but so was their minds. Slaves to the idea of perfection, a life sentence into the monotonous grain of their own hidden society. Many generations have continued like this, people have forgotten what life was like before, as if it never existed. No records of history, well no one wanting to know, everyone just accepting day to day, time flies past in the blink of an eye. Birth and death occurring like clockwork, uncelebrated, a gift taken for granted, but necessary for the circle of life.

A river flows through the heart of the town, providing essential water to the harvest, rich with minerals from the mountains above, food was at an abundance. The waters flooded with fish, scales that shone beams of rainbow against the riverbed. The town school sat right on the banks overlooking the lakes. Education was basic, girls where sent to do the harvests and clean the horses whereas the boys sent out to fish and build the houses. The system worked, kept the town running smoothly for many years. The elders were seen to be the unwritten government as such. They oversee everything. Nothing went unnoticed, every movement, every noise, every heartbeat. No one entered the town and nobody left.

A town dinner was organized every week by the females of the town. A grand feast for all. Golden vegetables from the fields, succulent meats from the farms, rich wines from the vineyards. There was music and dancing around a magnificent fire that lasted into the early hours.

The next morning all gathered at the town hall to give thanks to the elders, with gifts of gold and songs of praise. In return the elders guarantee a harmonious life with food and riches aplenty. Everyone lived at ease, as they’ve known no better change was unheard of, almost like someone or something had been preventing it for all these years. But what?

© 2018 JMumford

Author's Note

This is the introduction... any critiscm welcome! Also need ideas for the title!

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Featured Review

JayG

Well, you did ask, so…

• It was a beautiful place filled with beautiful people.

When you read this it has perfect meaning because you visualized the place before you wrote the first word. But the reader has only what the words suggest to them, based on their background and experience. So, as I read the line, it said we’re in an oceanfront hotel for the very wealthy. Not what you intended, but intent doesn't make it to the page, and you provided n context, so I got MY idea of a beautiful place. See the problem? Without context, and no ability to read your mind, the chance of any reader guessing your intent is small. And since there can be no second, first impression, perhaps it might make sense to give the reader context as they read?

In this you talk ABOUT the place as if the reader knows where they are and what’s going on. But they don’t and cant, so all the words on the people and what goes on in the town are wasted on a reader who lacks context. And while you might say to persevere and all will become clear, readers won’t. When the reader is deciding if they want to invest the time to read a story—usually before the end of three pages—they will leave if you bore, confuse, or lecture them for a line.

The thing is, people aren’t interested in learning about the place where the story takes place. They’re not interested in the history that led to the story taking place. They’re not interested in knowing the people in the story and their history. That’s nonfiction, and it informs, but it doesn’t entertain.

Readers ARE interested in what’s happening to the protagonist in the moment that character calls “now,” because that’s story. Story takes place in the mind and heart of the protagonist. It happens in real-time. It involves the reader emotionally because they’ve been made to care about the protagonist and support that character’s goals. Story lies in the protagonist’s decisions and their struggle to maintain or regain control of their life. But because it is, the hopeful writer runs into a problem that most are not aware IS a problem, which is that in our schooldays we learn only nonfiction writing skills. Remember how many reports and essays you were assigned, compared to stories? That’s to make us ready for the kind of writing our future employers want us to know. It doesn't prepare us to write fiction professionally because professions are learned after graduation from our public education years, not during them.

So that’s the problem you need to address. It’s not a matter of good/bad writing. Nor is it talent or potential. It’s one of owning the tools of the profession, plus the knowledge of how to use them. In other words, the craft of the writer—the learned part of our profession.

It’s not hard to find those tricks of the trade. The library’s fiction writing department is a rich resource. You can also find articles on writing technique on the Internet, some of them mine. And think about it. If we want the reader to find our writing as entertaining as that of the pros, doesn’t it make sense that we must know what the pro knows?

I’m neither a pro nor a teacher, though I have sold a few novels and shorts. So I won't teach you the skills you need. But the articles in my writing blog are intended to give you an overview of the issues involved so as to help you decide on how best to proceed.

I know this isn't what you were hoping to hear, especially given all the work you’ve put into this. But you did ask for reaction, and I thought you would want to know. And remember, nothing I’ve said reflects on your talent or potential as a writer, only on every writer's need to add those the tricks of the trade to their toolbox.

So hang in there, do a bit of digging into the skills the pros take for granted, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 6 Years Ago

Well, you did ask, so…

• It was a beautiful place filled with beautiful people.

When you read this it has perfect meaning because you visualized the place before you wrote the first word. But the reader has only what the words suggest to them, based on their background and experience. So, as I read the line, it said we’re in an oceanfront hotel for the very wealthy. Not what you intended, but intent doesn't make it to the page, and you provided n context, so I got MY idea of a beautiful place. See the problem? Without context, and no ability to read your mind, the chance of any reader guessing your intent is small. And since there can be no second, first impression, perhaps it might make sense to give the reader context as they read?

In this you talk ABOUT the place as if the reader knows where they are and what’s going on. But they don’t and cant, so all the words on the people and what goes on in the town are wasted on a reader who lacks context. And while you might say to persevere and all will become clear, readers won’t. When the reader is deciding if they want to invest the time to read a story—usually before the end of three pages—they will leave if you bore, confuse, or lecture them for a line.

The thing is, people aren’t interested in learning about the place where the story takes place. They’re not interested in the history that led to the story taking place. They’re not interested in knowing the people in the story and their history. That’s nonfiction, and it informs, but it doesn’t entertain.

Readers ARE interested in what’s happening to the protagonist in the moment that character calls “now,” because that’s story. Story takes place in the mind and heart of the protagonist. It happens in real-time. It involves the reader emotionally because they’ve been made to care about the protagonist and support that character’s goals. Story lies in the protagonist’s decisions and their struggle to maintain or regain control of their life. But because it is, the hopeful writer runs into a problem that most are not aware IS a problem, which is that in our schooldays we learn only nonfiction writing skills. Remember how many reports and essays you were assigned, compared to stories? That’s to make us ready for the kind of writing our future employers want us to know. It doesn't prepare us to write fiction professionally because professions are learned after graduation from our public education years, not during them.

So that’s the problem you need to address. It’s not a matter of good/bad writing. Nor is it talent or potential. It’s one of owning the tools of the profession, plus the knowledge of how to use them. In other words, the craft of the writer—the learned part of our profession.

It’s not hard to find those tricks of the trade. The library’s fiction writing department is a rich resource. You can also find articles on writing technique on the Internet, some of them mine. And think about it. If we want the reader to find our writing as entertaining as that of the pros, doesn’t it make sense that we must know what the pro knows?

I’m neither a pro nor a teacher, though I have sold a few novels and shorts. So I won't teach you the skills you need. But the articles in my writing blog are intended to give you an overview of the issues involved so as to help you decide on how best to proceed.

I know  this isn't what you were hoping to hear, especially given all the work you’ve put into this. But you did ask for reaction, and I thought you would want to know. And remember, nothing I’ve said reflects on your talent or potential as a writer, only on every writer's need to add those the tricks of the trade to their toolbox.

So hang in there, do a bit of digging into the skills the pros take for granted, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Rating /100

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

6 Years Ago

Hi Jay
Thanks for your input I really do appreciate it ... you've made very valid points... .. read more

Reviews

Coyote Poetry

A wonderful introduction. You made me wish to read and know more. I liked how you tempted the reader with powerful tale to be written. Thank you for sharing the amazing chapter.
Coyote