The Lonely Path My Soul Took

Just a wip of the moment of accumulated stress and towering imminence of AP tests. Realized a hole in myself, and tried to tape it up with an explanation partly for the world and partly for myself.

.....

I’ve always waited for my sister to return home. 

Although she didn’t treat me seriously as a person, but as the endearing image of a baby sister, I still missed her.

 I classified myself as born in a household with a sibling, whose 13 years greater than mine I took pride in telling for anyone who asked. 

But in all seriousness, it was emotionally overbearing, her leaving for college. I always expected myself to be by her company and to be able to finally observe her adult characteristics sensibly. However, as I grew up, I came to accept that in reality, I was alone. No more waiting for sister to send back letters with stickers, or playing mission impossible.

 I always thought of her as witty, amazing, and full of fun. 

She was everything to me.

....

 I idolized her just like my parents intended to do so, as she ranked 3^rd in her whole grade for GPA. Since I had a sister, I never did get used to confiding in my parents or socializing with them as much. 

However, after a disillusionment of sorts, I retracted myself into my little shell of haunting dreams.

 A cycle of questioning everything I had known up until then ensued. And I began quietly balancing the horrifying thought that I had to grow up, without saying goodbye... without wanting to say goodbye. 

All those beautiful moments that so suddenly disappeared, I had taken for granted. I waited, expecting them to return in a flood every time my sister visited.

 This was true only partly. Since every visit back in New Jersey, she would reinvigorate that endearing image of me and bear hug me, her voice always in a squeal. But those times always faded when she was away, like a watermark. 

Overall, I secluded myself from the world, confused, hermit-like, uncertain of my future and how my person should be.

My idol had disappeared. What now lay in its mists was a phantom of my sister. The image my parents decided to implant into my subconscious. The picture of a perfect sister who worked hard, who went through bitter problems, who displayed leadership and competitiveness, who was active in almost every activity the school offered her, who seemingly, according to my father, I was not like. 

...

So with the role model’s throne empty, the phantom filled in as substitute. My parents always seemed joyous whenever my sister was home, she sparkled with enthusiasm saved only for her breaks from college. This aspect was soon embellished into her ghost, giving it at least some substance that I could work with again. 

..

And so, with the mask that I had learned to use in my crippled elementary childhood, I set out on my self-identifying journey to please my parents and the ghost. 

.

At some point, this shell felt so real, that I began to empty, my soul floating somewhere above with the clouds.

Author's Note

Haha, definitely grammar problems
feel free to berate me on those and any other awkward wordings you find in there.
Or if you're feeling sentimental tell me your thoughts!
Please constructive criticism is welcome here with open arms
Bare in mind that this is a rough draft, so for those who get offended by my amateurish writing please cut me a little slack. (don't forget to criticize in the comments though)
Thanks for sparing those 2 min. to read this! It means a lot to me! Need to improve BIG TIME!

Reviews

[FoxgloveLove]

This is some nice writing. I can tell you put a lot of thought into this, and the language is very beautiful. However, I have to ask you, what is the point of this piece overall? It doesn't read like a poem, but there's really no story to it, either. There's a lot of emotion and subtext to this piece, but it seems like it doesn't really go anywhere as a story. Reading this makes me feel like either 1) this is an excerpt from a much larger story, or 2) this should be converted into a poem. As it is, it makes for some lovely prose, but I feel like you can do so much more with this if you try to expand it into a larger story.

There are a few grammatical errors, but nothing that can't be fixed by having someone proofread for you (I can help you with that as well if you would like). There are really two major things that stand out to me that could use a little editing: style and structure.

---Structure---

The first thing that is obvious just by looking at this without even reading the words is that it is just a large block of text. There are no paragraphs, no separations between sections, and no real formatting. While this may be a stylistic choice for some writers, formatting and providing some structure to your story is a tool you can use to add more to the story without even changing the words, as well as making it easier for the reader to read (which is very important, since you want it to be easily readable). Consider breaking this down a little into smaller paragraphs in order to organize your thoughts, make it less complex in reading, and as well allow yourself to add emphasis to certain sections or even to specific lines.


---Style---

As you mentioned in your notes, I did notice that, while the writing is quite well done, there are a number of awkward sentences. This is something that would best be corrected through a good proofread, since there are quite a few instances of this. Whether it's a missing word, an awkward transition, or simply rearranging a sentence to help it make more sense, having another set of eyes on your work will help you catch things you might miss as you're writing. A few examples I can easily pick out are the following:

-"However, after a disillusionment of sorts, I retracted myself into my little shell of haunting dreams. Questioning everything I had known up until then. And quietly balancing the horrifying thought that I had to grow up, without saying goodbye without wanting to say goodbye."

This section you divided into three different sentences, which is understandable because as a single sentence it would be a bit long and wordy. However, if you're doing this, make sure the pieces are actual sentences. The parts "Questioning everything..." and "And quietly balancing..." are fragments, not complete sentences. While this may be a stylistic choice on your part as the writer, it still makes it kind of difficult to understand a sentence that isn't a complete sentence. I'm not saying it's necessary to change this, but consider trying to think of a different way to phrase this part so that it's not as choppy.

-"I always expected myself to be by her company and to be able to finally sensibly observe her adult characteristics."

I chose this one because this sentence is actually grammatically correct. However, it still is kind of unusual to read "able to finally sensibly observe" and makes you think twice about whether it is correct or not. The phrase "finally sensibly observe" is correct technically because, while finally and sensibly are both adverbs not separated by commas, it can be correct in the sense that the adverb finally is describing "sensibly observe" rather than both finally and sensibly describing the verb "observe" (if this were the case, it would have to be written as "finally, sensibly observe").

Regardless, I would still change this because, stylistically, the adverb "finally" is much better suited by itself rather than paired with other adverbs. The reason for this is that finally describes verbs in a way that provides a different descriptive context than most other adverbs. For instance, if you were to say "sensibly, carefully observe" both of these are describing the way that one is observing; "finally observe," however, is not describing the way one is observing, but the time in which the observing is being done. A more appropriate way to phrase this might be "and to be able to finally observe her adult characteristics sensibly," or "and to be able to finally observe her adult characteristics in a sensible manner." That way, it becomes clear that "finally" is being used to specifically describe the sensible observing.


There are several other awkward sections, but it would be difficult to go into all of them here. If you don't have someone else who can proofread this, I can help you out, but it might take a little more time for me to go over everything with you in depth.

- Rating -
Story/Content: 16/20
Grammar/Style: 14/20
Structure: 15/20
Language: 19/20
Appeal: 18/20
--------------------
Overall: 82/100


Very good work, I must say. Just keep writing, and maybe try to expand your content a little bit more to get the most out of the potential of your writing. Hopefully you'll find this review at least a little helpful.

-FoxgloveLove

[Jan Li]

Thank you for the review! I really appreciate your help! In all honesty, even I am not sure of what the purpose of this piece is. It was written on the same day I realized how lonely I was, especially amongst the stressdom of high school. I probably wrote this partly to organize myself and to elaborate on a possible reason for my faults. I just may grow something larger out of this. Maybe use this writing as a backbone of sorts. Anyways, Thank you so much for your time and criticism! You have been a huge help! I will take your advice and improve upon this as much as I can as soon as I finish my duties as a student. :) :D

[Hailey Juliet]

I thought this was actually very nice! Despite any grammatical issues and wordings which you acknowledged, I think that the strength of this piece is the emotion behind it. You have clearly invested yourself in the subject matter and it is a subject that holds meaning for you or for the narrator at least.

Throughout the piece there were some great moments where you exhibited some vivid imagery. I particularly enjoyed the line:

"What now lay in its mists was a phantom of my sister"

and your closing lines:

"At some point, this shell felt so real, that I began to empty, my soul floating somewhere above with the clouds."

As was said in FoxgloveLove's comment, perhaps you should consider changing this piece into a poem as it wouldn't demand as much of a consistent story narrative and could just speak as it is. While i read it, in fact, i read it as a poem more than as a story and i think that the imagery that you use plays into that very well.

In the way of awkward sentences, sometimes i get the feeling that you are trying too hard to say something eloquent and profound. If you ever find that that is the case, i would recommend doing a revision in which you write the same idea in the simplest terms possible. Sometimes simplicity is much more powerful than complicity and eloquence. Simple writing often speaks to a wider audience and can be more accessible and identifiable to more people; it can be more profound. Sometimes three honest words can speak louder than an essay's worth of eloquence.

In any case, I really enjoyed reading this and i will subscribe so i can read more in the future.

[Jan Li]

Wow, thank you! I guess I was too caught up in trying to explain my true thoughts and feelings, that I overlooked the significance of simplicity. I'm glad you enjoyed it! This piece was written during a moment of crisis in my life, so I was trying to capture and reveal my despairs in words. Simplicity to me, is gorgeous in the way that it allows the reader breathing room to create his or her own relatable interpretation. I often find myself pondering about many existential topics, especially the idea that no one will really understand who I am truly as a human. Art is a form of communication, and all forms of communication will essentially lack the ability to portray the entire perspective. Even I can only come so close to getting an idea of who I am. But you're right! For my readers to get feel closer to the author/narrator, they need to find an interpretation of their own as well. Thank you again! I hope I can improve even more to create works that can resonate, speak, and of course be enjoyable to others like yourself!! :)

[Drak]

I'm the last to criticizes grammar. With that i have to say this is sad. To be honest i'm the same.