The plane landed near my right foot, its nose digging deep into the wet mud. Splotches of dirt bespeckled its wings, but otherwise it looked the same as when my father threw it at me. My mother had hollered from inside about how he was a useless pizza-crepe (or something along those lines) and he went in soon after, his eyes downcast and disturbed. I was left alone, but I was too accustomed to the feeling to mind. The plane was my company. It was my friend.
The crowd began to cheer. Their fists pumped the air; their lips mouthed her name. She smiled in pride. Private Blaire - the youngest female pilot to ever undergo a rescue mission on her own. The girl looked down at her own body and saw the navy uniform that draped every part of her arms and legs. They were a tad bit big, but they brought warmth in the middle of the harsh winter. The hat was slipping, and the tip began to cover her eyes. She heard loud footsteps and hastily pushed it back up, just in time for her to catch sight of the commander and raise a sloppy salute.
“Private Blaire, the plane is ready and at your disposal. I trust you know what to do?” the sergeant barked.
“Yes, sergeant,” She answered, her eyes trying their best to stare straight ahead. The child was hers to save.
Into the cockpit she went, her heart thumping in her chest, her blood racing in her veins. She was praised, she was admired, she was powerful. The controllers were warm to the touch, and they hummed in excitement as she turned the engines on. A dot began to blink on her screen - her mission. She could feel the adrenaline pumping through her body, and the sense of exhilaration overcoming the fear that had slithered its way into her heart.
The nose penetrated the thick clouds, and instantly a blinding ray of light shone on her face. The heat tickled her pores, and purpose guided her fingers as the plane glided across the bright sky. It didn’t stay that way for too long, though. Soon enough, the clouds transformed into dark, writhing creatures with talons that reached out to capture the plane. She swerved left and right, but then felt a huge blast from behind.
The plane swirled hectically, the back end moving up in the sky while the front faced downwards. She looked out the window and saw an enemy fighter plane zooming past her, and she just knew that it was looking for the same child.
She pulled on the controllers with every ounce of strength she had. She could feel her arms becoming wearier and wearier, and her bottom beginning to slip ever so slightly across the pilot seat as her grip became more sweaty…
But at last, the plane righted itself. The hit cost her a huge chunk of the left wing, but it still functioned well enough. She sped across the darkened firmament, following the blinking dot. It began to rain heavily. Drops splattered across her windows, and the sky turned bright with frequent blasts of light. She couldn’t hear the frightened beating of her heart over the roar of the torrent, and somehow that calmed her.
The distance was decreasing, but the fact that the other plane still wasn’t in sight troubled her. She pushed her plane to its maximum speed, and after a while she finally descried a black tail. A smile found its way across her lips as she followed it. She, the youngest female pilot, managed to escape death once, and continued to chase it. The other pilot must be quaking in his cockpit! She will destroy him, she will destroy the enemy…
“Aurora!” a yell came from the skies, sounding louder than even the rain.
“Aurora, get inside, you insolent child!” my mother screamed. The skies cleared and the planes - both mine and his - disappeared. All that was left was the scummy piece of paper in my right hand.
I could feel the miniscule droplets forming on my eyelids as the last of the fantasy faded, as the sound of gunfire and thunder became berations, as the sense of purpose boiled down into childish shame. Private Blaire was the accomplished pilot, but Aurora was just a regular ten-year-old sitting on the grass of her backyard.
I trudged back into the house in despair. Not even my mother’s fussing about my grimy dress managed to break the bubble of gloom that surrounded me. My father, hearing the chatter, peeked at me from where he sat in the living room. I walked over to him and sunk into the couch. He could see the fragments of my torn dream, and reached out to take the plane from my hands.
“Aurora, you’ll be a pilot someday, and I’ll be cheering for you from the sidelines,” he said quietly.
He turned to smile at me before throwing the plane to the glass window. I watched it glide in elegance, watched it curve in accordance to the wind, watched it reach its destination…
Private Blaire released the final round of shots from her plane, and they hit home. She watched, with a happiness that blossomed from within her diminutive figure, as the enemy finally went down spiralling. She heard a loud boom, and knew she won the race. Before she could get too excited, though, her eyes landed on the blinking dot once more. She was very close.
The sky was in the brightest shade of azure - as it had been before she took off - when she walked quickly to the door. The girl was there, she knew it. The mission was to take her and bring her back to safety. The soldier reached out a hand and knocked on the door tenderly, rehearsing the lines she had for so many nights spoke out loud to herself in the mirror. However, no amount of military practice could have braced her for the truth, which stared at her with one hand opening the door and the other clutching onto a paper plane.
This is very well written. I really liked how you chose a pilot for this type of fantasy. To be honest, this reminded me of the story 'The Secret Life of Walter Mitty', how she was able to create a fantasy, or dream, out of the object of the plane. It kinda shows what a child sees as their dream job or career, and realize how much encouragement they could use to keep that dream alive. Whither it's by a father to bring her up, or her mother to remind her of where she is now, she would need help to achieve it. Sorry if I went on a little bit of a ramble, I just really liked it.
HEADLINES: A FANTASTIC PIECE FROM JANE DEESEE STRIKES AGAIN!
Very well written and structured. In particular, I liked the changes in perspective from Aurora to Private Blaire - it functions well to create both a new character in the story and divulges a fantasy element in itself judging by the fact that Private Blaire is fictional (or is she!? aha). In addition, by employing this technique, it transforms a juvenile scenario into something almost saddening towards the end - especially when Aurora's Dad throw's her plane at the glass window - this for me was the most powerful sentence.
All in all, couldn't see anything wrong with it. However, I strongly advise you to rephrase the line 'But at last, the plane righted itself'. Righted is not a word. You could say 'But at last, the plane corrected itself' or even 'the plane rectified itself' if you want to be fancy but NEVER 'righted'. Also the sentence:
'I could feel the miniscule droplets forming on my eyelids as the last of the fantasy faded, as the sound of gunfire and thunder became berations, as the sense of purpose boiled down into childish shame'.
Though isn't really anything wrong with the sentence structurally it uses repetition a lot with the use of 'as the' after each comma, which is something I noticed with previous sentences. For example: 'She will destroy him, she will destroy the enemy…'
Repetition is certainly an effective device to employ to either emphasis a point or build up a climax but beware, it can be over-used. Personally, I would rephrase 'I could feel the miniscule droplets....' to
''I could feel the miniscule droplets forming on my eyelids as the last of the fantasy faded and as the sound of gunfire and thunder became berations, a sense of purpose boiled down to childish shame'.
Just a thought. Nonetheless, keep up the good work!
Posted 8 Years Ago
8 Years Ago
Hahaha, thank you so much!!! I'm glad you liked it. Ah, yes, I get what you mean. Your feedback is h.. read moreHahaha, thank you so much!!! I'm glad you liked it. Ah, yes, I get what you mean. Your feedback is highly appreciated.
Whaaaaat I really, really loved this! This is my favorite story I've read on this site for some reason!!! I think it's the way I thought that the girl really became a pilot but at the end it was really just her imagination. I literally loved how you did that, and you had good description. What was the 'pizza-crepe' thing at the beginning though? I feel bad for the dad :(
Posted 8 Years Ago
8 Years Ago
Aww, really? Wow, thanks! That means a lot. Pizza-crepe was a play on words - it was supposed to be .. read moreAww, really? Wow, thanks! That means a lot. Pizza-crepe was a play on words - it was supposed to be 'piece of crap' but I was trying to establish the character's youth and naivety by making her decipher it as something else. Was it too abstract?
8 Years Ago
Oh noooo lol, I'm sure other people got it, I'm just super slow to catch on lately! I literally have.. read moreOh noooo lol, I'm sure other people got it, I'm just super slow to catch on lately! I literally have trouble understanding the simplest things while I'm reading it's kind of pathetic. I hope I'm just tired and not losing brain cells.
Some very nice work here, Jane. You do a good job of weaving in and out of the girl's fantasy. I assume that's what it is - a young girl's playtime fantasy becoming "real" to her. Is that why she met herself? The girl realizes that the grown woman pilot is only a dream, a wish for things to come.
I noticed what might be a typo in the 9th paragraph: "The hit caused her a huge chunk of the left wing..."
Should that perhaps be "caused her to lose a huge chunk..." or perhaps "cost her a huge chunk..."?
Keep up the good work.
Posted 8 Years Ago
8 Years Ago
Thank you so much! Yes, that is one of the interpretations I thought of myself while writing this.