Broken

This is actually song lyrics, not a Poem. Written in 2006.

There's a place inside of me

where nobody wants to go

There are feelings inside of me

The world will never know

  

Twisted thoughts and broken dreams

My world comes apart at the seams

How could you do this to me

I'm broken can't you see

 

Broken...

I thought we'd never part

 

Broken...

Torn and twisted apart

 

Broken...

My life is just a farce

 

Broken...

You've ripped open my heart

 

A life with no more dreams

A heart that only bleeds

A soul that never could be

Why did I do this to me

I'm broken

Broken can't you see

 

Broken...

Torn and twisted apart

 

Broken...

My life is just a farce

 

Broken...

You've ripped open my heart

 

There's a place inside of me

Where I really never wanted to be

There are feelings inside of me

That aren't human can't you see

 

I'm broken

Broken can't you see

 

Broken...

Torn and twisted apart

 

Broken...

My life is just a farce

 

Broken...

You've ripped open my heart

 

 

There's no where left for me

I've never really been

I'm only a shattered dream

born of insanity

 

Broken...

Better off not to be...

 

Broken...

a twisted and distorted being...

 

Broken...

My world slides away from me...

Reviews

[Rene Salinas]

A moment of recognition and what was seen not exactly the prettiest. But that makes it very honest a litle frustrated maybe even a little angry but as it leave no stone unturned it may be the beggining of something new.The funny through my eyes is that that place he warns me of seems quite appealing for some unknow reason. Maybe becuase it has a no trespass sign and I wish to know what is it hidden. Even if it is ugly there always has to be an end for something new to come about.

There is a lot of intensity in this expression.

Thankyou

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

Thank you Rene and boundaries were made to be passed. Bounds are no more real than the the sign that says we may go no further.

[Silver_water_dragon]

I can relate to this. I love this poem. Well written

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

Thank you for your kind words Silver_water_dragon.

[AprilRN1210]

The title drew me in and then the first stanza had me hooked.... they are exquisite.. I love the introspective feel in this and the raw honesty... the flow felt a little off in some places, but in others was beautiful.. I wondered about the repetition since it was a little much, but then went back and read that it was a song so then it made sense..... overall this is very nice..

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

Thank you AprilRN1210

[AprilRN1210]

You're welcome. It was my pleasure..

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

AprilRN1210, If I may intrude on your time, could you be specific as to where you felt 'the flow' felt a little off. I can be a bit obsessive and when it comes to our own work we can sometimes fail to see what is apparent to others. Hence the beauty of peer review.

When I think of flow I think of the scansion, and the rhythm of the rhymes. As it is a song, it was written to match a 4/4 common time measure which is apt for Metal, Rock or Country. Though I would have a hard time wrapping my head around it being performed by a country singer :). It was written as a Metal Ballad.

I spent the greater part of the night trying to find the flow issues you speak of with and without music, and I can not find them. It is clear I the view of someone that is not so close to the work.

Also it would be great if you could define for me what you mean by 'flow' perhaps I am just looking at the wrong thing all together?

[Benita-Staebell M - Kin..]

A life with no more dreams

A heart that only bleeds

A soul that never could be

Why did I do this to me

I'm broken

Broken can't you see


Very deep Intense expression.



Thank you for sharing

Blessings. Benita/ kindred poet

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

Thank you Benita for the kind words and you are very welcome.

[Benita-Staebell M - KindredPoet]

You're welcome. I enjoyed reading it.Blessings. Benita/ kindred poet

[Zanne]

I was listening to an Alestorm song while reading this, without realising in my head I swapped out the real lyrics with these. Great song, well written too :)

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

Thank you Zanne for kind words.

[Jessica Lynn Polley]

Hey Uncle Jamie!!!! Where you on here already or did Jamie tell you about it? Because I told him just saying. Glad to see you here either way now about this poem. I like it a lot and on many points I can relate. The poem was repetitive but not so much that it got old only enough that you got your point across which I like...its like propaganda but in a way I can respect. Now I did read your review on my poem and I was surprised at those reviews as I have never heard anything negative but my rhymes where slant in that poem so I can respect that but if we are splitting hairs her let me just point out that you rhymed part with apart and for some reason that did not sit well with me.

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

First, I am sorry that you felt I was splitting hairs. That was not my intention.

I noted in the description that these are lyrics, which is why the repetition is prevalent. Unfortunately the site does not give categories for Lyrics, Essays, Treatise so I just comment it in. Though you can specify it as a genre that doesn't appear on the screen where the person is reading it unfortunately.

I too was not completely happy with rhyming part with apart either though I tend to take more liberty with that in a song than a poem. The scansion having priority over the rhyme in my view. Probably still bad form but I am not flawless as we all know :). I have thought about fixing that, but have found no good solution.

Thanks for the honesty and that is a very good point, in the rhyming issue. Never tell me what I want to hear in a review tell me what you feel. I can not improve my work if I do not have honest reviews. So I really do appreciate your honesty in this. maybe in a future version I will find a way to fix that. Though I am more concerned working on a treatise lately than revising my older work.

Yes I found out about the site from little Jamie being on it, and making posts to facebook. I was very pleased to see you here as I have always been a huge fan of your work. Though if it upsets you that I make honest reviews I can just post positive comments. I value your friendship more than I do the opportunity to give unsolicited advice.

Love You, take care.

[Jessica Lynn Polley]

No I appreciate honest reviews I really do and I told you that I like the repetitive nature of this write I would not change that it helps to bring home the point. I always want your honesty and you could never loose my friendship over something so trivial. I guess I just don't understand what you and everyone else meant on that poem because everyone said something different...maybe just a better explanation that way I can run with it. To be perfectly honest I think I would rather it be you than a stranger because than I can talk to you about and it can help me to grow. I respect your opinion as a writer I always have so please be honest just let me know what I can to to make it better.

[Jessica Lynn Polley]

ps. I love you to :)

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

Okay, I will make a more specific review that is more meaningful, and hopefully more useful. I will do it on your poem though rather than here :D.

[misha]

This was a sad write that I can relate with. It was very intruiging and I think you did a great job!

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

Thank you misha

[Sophy Freebirds]

This truly is heart- wrenching .. quite relateable. The repetition of lines had me as i could sing it- then i read your note it is a lyric.. And i loved it. Written from your deep gusto. It did touch my heart. Once we hand over that keyto other- they rip the seams off. Our heart becomes vulnerable.. well done :)

~Sophy

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

Sophy this work is to me one of my greatest works. I reached a little further inside than I was ever able to reach before this. I could say it was because I matured as a writer, but in reality I know it is because I have never felt more pain in my life than when I wrote this. Thank you I am glad I was able to share this with you.

[Sophy Freebirds]

A poet with angst within him is a boon.. so our best works birth then :) was a pleasure

[Kristan A. Mohammed]

I think Its awesome. Very creative. I especially loves the part about the tearing at the seams. Well done.

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

Thank you Kristan for your kind words.

[Malister Mikey]

I sang along with this post XD love the lyric's in this song.

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

Thanks Jamie