Whatever Tomorrow Brings I'll Be There. Drive. Incubus.

Whatever Tomorrow Bring I'll Be There.

Drive. Incubus.

 

Name. James Zakua. Age. Sixteen. When kids my age get a moment to think they ponder things like, "I wonder if Nikki likes me," or "How the hell do I beat that boss in Final Fantasy," or things like, "I wonder when A7X is coming back to Jersey. Wonder if I can get a cheap enough ticket this time," even, "S**t! Did I do the math homework? Maybe I can copy it, or she'll let me hand it in tomorrow," but as I looked up from my bathroom sink, where a thick crimson liquid ran down the drain like a cyclone of pain and torment, to look myself in the mirror the same thoughts of my life danced in my head. A twisted dance like horrific creatures dancing a death waltz. My left eye was swollen, my nose jutting at an odd angle. My bottom and top lip both were split and my blood rushed from various cuts and scrapes across my face. My cold, blue eyes didn't waver, but my hand shook as my long fingers wrapped around an average kitchen knife which rested precariously on the edge of the sink. With a slow breath I raised the knife to my throat. No one would care. I have no friends, no family except my mother and she wishes me dead almost once a day. One motion could end my life. One motion would, if I chose for it... But I couldn't. I was afraid.

I tossed the knife into the medicine cabinet and flopped down on my bed, taking out my iPod. I was tired and just wanted the day to be over, yet I couldn't close my eyes, so instead of calm music I put on Metallica as loud as I could and began to drum along with a book and a set of pencils. I was halfway through "Shoot Me Again" when my door swung open, slamming into my wall.

"Turn that s**t off or I'LL be the one to shoot you!" I turned to face my mother, glaring as best as I could past a swollen black eye. She had a dark red tint to her black hair, like what some teenage girls think is hot, and it is... Just not on my mother.

"Didn't get enough of me before?" I turned away, continuing to drum to the beat. Suddenly I felt a familiar tug at the back of my head, my hair getting yanked into my mother's fist as she pulled me off the bed and onto my feet. Before I could make a smart a*s comment or some ill mannered remark my face was being pushed against the wall, my eyes very close to the white paint. "F**k this-" I pushed away from the wall. "I'm leav-" My head slammed into the wall, my vision fuzzy. A warm substance ran down my forehead. Blood? I think. Maybe. It has a bitter taste. Yeah. That's blood.

Again my head hit the wall.

"Have some respect for your elders!"

I pulled away, feeling the hair rip from my head. Now that I faced her I could smell the distinct smell of alcohol on her breath.

"You're drunk,"

"Shud up!"

My vision flashed red as I fell back, sharp pain definitely bringing out a red color to my cheek. She went to swing again, a fist this time, but I shoved past her, scooping my coat off the floor. "As I was saying, 'F**k this, I'm leaving,'" My door slammed behind me before she got out another word and I stormed out of the house.

With no destination in mind and pure fury fueling my feet I continued into the unknown shrouded in darkness, sinking deep into thought.

I hate her. I hate her. Jesus... What is wrong with her. Doesn't even give me two minutes to think before beating me around again... Alright... Calm down. Damn it's cold... I should go to the police. I could get her a*s thrown in jail... But... Then where would I go... Not that it matters. I've always been on my own... Ever since I could walk it's like I didn't have a mother, just a dictator hovering over me, waiting to crack down any chance they got... So why don't I go to the police? I... I can't bring myself to... Wait... Where am I? D****t... And it's freezing... Well it can't be that cold... It must have just rained... This puddle isn't frozen.

Look at yourself... I wonder if she was right...

And then I found myself talking aloud.

"You know... She says I look just like you... Dad. When I was little she would look me right in the eyes and tell me how I look identical to you... Tears filling her eyes... And then she'd hit me. Again she would tell me, and again she would hit me, until we were both crying and I was begging for her to stop..."

"If only I knew that the open palms would turn to fists and the red marks would turn to blood... Maybe I wouldn't have begged her to stop..."

"Is it fair? Is it fair that I've grown to hate you for this... Father? I suppose not... But is it fair that you left us? That you left me with her? That's not real fair either... Is it?"

"But who decides fair..."

I turned away from the puddle, forcing myself to walk away. Only a minute passed before I heard it.

"Need a ride kid?"

I closed my eyes, blocking out the minor annoyance of being called kid, and kept walking.

"Hey, baby blue, answer me,"

I would have shut it out and kept on, but I knew that voice. The sweet sound that came from this girls mouth was one I would never forget, and the name baby blue was one only she would call me. I turned, slowly till I saw the figure standing outside her car. "Julia?"

"Yupp!" I could see her white teeth flash even in the darkness.

"I thought you moved,"

"Only went on vacation," she shivered a bit. "It's cold, why don't you get in the car,"

I was used to keeping to myself. I have no friends, in school I sit in the back drawing, at work I don't make eye contact with a single person, hell, Julia calls me baby blue cause people at work don't even know my name, and they don't bother to learn. Everything about my character told me to stay out of the car and walk. So I got in.

If it was a different night I might not have, or if it wasn't so cold, but the point is I did get in.

"Where to James?"

"I don't know... Haven't decided- Wait... You know my name?"

Julia smiled. "Of course I do," She started the car. "Just because you keep to yourself doesn't mean you're not human,"

I frowned a bit. I don't feel human. Then I caught myself and lost the frown, trying to speak as bored as possible. "Yeah, I suppose,"

"I'll take you to where I'm going and if you still haven't decided where you're going I'll let you walk, ok?"

Her smile was one to see.

"Sounds like a plan," I buckled up.

After she got up to somewhere around 20 mph her smile faded and her tone got a little more serious. "What happened tonight?"

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You look like... Well, like hell, for lack of a better word, excuse my language," Her hand reached up and idly brushed against my broken nose. "Did you get jumped?"

I chuckled, I couldn't help it. "I wish,"

Her frown deepened. "What does that mean?"

"It means I'd rather not talk about it,"

"I understand," She pulled her hand back. "I shouldn't have asked,"

"It's fine... It shows you care," I can't believe I said something so lame... I shouldn't even be in this car.

A faint red glow illuminated her face, a stop light no doubt, but I didn't dare check. Something of her features captivated me and I didn't want to risk missing one moment of examining her flawless skin. It shows she cares... The first care from another human I could remember feeling. A feeling stirred in my gut, something strange and unknown to me, trying to force it's way out.

The red glow turned green and the car began to move again. Her features melted into shadows and slivers of light and the feeling in my stomach began to settle. The pain started to take precedence over my mind and thought of hate and disgust for my mother danced in the shadows of my brain, smiling with sharp, devilish teeth and glowing red eyes.

Julia was talking again, yet I couldn't find enough energy to focus. My vision was blurry and my hearing was practically nonexistent, and then, suddenly, my consciousness was nonexistent as well.

A violent shake woke me, and Julia was giggling. "Decided where you want me to bring you yet, sleepy head?"

I grunted. Like a caveman. I know how to talk to women.

She still giggled. "I'll take that as a no,"

I started to open the car door when the lock clicked shut.

"I won't pry into your business... But do you need a place to stay?"

I hesitated. "Um... Well I don't know you that well and-"

"Not with me. A friend owes me a favor and he won't ask questions. Please accept if you're not going home,"

I could hear the worry in her voice and I didn't want to upset her. At the same time I didn't want to burden her with my fucked up life. I went to get out of the car.

"Will I see you at work?"

"I- uh... I don't know..."

"Oh..." She looked at me. "If I can help... Tell me... And if I'm pushing to far into your life tell me too,"

I sat back in the car. "Please bring me to your friend... If you don't mind..."

She smiled a bit. "Ok, and I'll pick you up for work tomorrow too, promise,"

A smile touched my lips, an honest smile, and I realized what that unknown feeling was. Happiness. "Yeah, tomorrow,"

See, in my life I always thought of today, always thought of the hell I was going through and the torment I went through, but I never thought of tomorrow, of what's to come. Julia promised a tomorrow, and I enjoyed that. Julia promised way more with her help then she realized, and it meant the world to me.The car started again and we drove in silence, but the mood seemed... Lighter. I drifted off back to sleep and only woke when gravel crunched beneath the tires of her car.

"We're here,"

I yawned. "Is he expecting me?"

"Mmhm, I called while you were out,"

I opened the car door, and put one foot out. I wanted to say something... But I didn't know what. "I- I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

She smiled. "Yupp"

I got out and closed the door, slowly, hesitantly, but as I walked away I spun to see the window open. She knew I wanted to say more.

My tongue didn't want to work and my mind didn't have the right words. Was I over thinking this? Does she expect me to still keep to myself? I inhaled and upon exhale the words came out without checking in my brain yet. "Thank you, thank you for everything, it means more then you could imagine, and I thank you for that... Hell... Thank you for your attention,"

She just smiled and as the window rolled up I heard a faint whisper. "See you tomorrow, baby blue,"

Behind me stood an old brick building, with little to no lights outside. I couldn't see any details, all I could make out was the front door and a small ember which grew brighter for just a moment before it shifted a little. Then I heard a voice.

"You gonna stand out in the cold all night, or are you coming inside?"

I hesitated. She didnt give me a name or a apartment number. She just dropped me off and left... and who the hell was this guy outside?

“Yo, ya got a hearing problem?”

I stepped forward. “Yeah, I'm going in, what's it top you?”

I heard him chuckle. “Oh, a hard a*s,” The ember shifted. “Well I'm damn sure that was Julia's car, so I'm assuming you're James. What that means to me is your a*s is coming into my house or you can camp out right where you stand,”

Punch him. That was my first response. Then again... When did that ever fix anything? “I didn't catch your name...”

I could feel his smile. Triumphant prick. “Kev,”

A thick grey cloud hit me like a wave when Kev's apartment door opened. The sruffy haired kid pulled out a pack of Morlboro Reds. “Want one?”

“Nah, I'm content with the secondhand smoke,”

“Funny guy,” Kev tapped me on the shoulder with his fist.

I shuffled my feet across the dense forest of a baige carpet which laid before me. The furnashing in his apartment was quiet cheap, and looked completely aquired from second hand shops and other such methods. The fabric was rough, old, tears along and arm or back. A couch and two recliners were in a semi cirle looking into a rather old, yet big television.

“So... I'm crashin' on the couch?”

“Yeah, you wish,” Kev had a wide goofy smile. “That's where I sleep, go ahead and take a lay-zee-boy,”

“Kay, thanks,” I ploped down on the tattered, plaid seat and was surprised to find it quite comfortable.

Rattling of jars rang out as the fridge door swung open. “Care for a beer-” Kev turned to find me adjusting my weight, eyes closed. “Dude, you seriously clockin' out already?”

“Um... Sure... What else would I do?”

“I figured we could have a drink, play some Halo, you know, chill,” Kev pulled out two cans, white and red in design, Budwieser, I presumed.

“Ha,” I could feel a real fake smile smear across my face. “Nah, I'm not old enough,” Next thing I knew an ice cold can got tossed into my chest playfully.

“But that's not what I asked,” Kev winked at me as he crossed the room the the television, on which rested and Xbox 360. “You want a drink?”

My stomache felt tight and it was hard to breath... to swallow. I looked Kev right in the eyes, but my words came out as a mere whisper. “You got a coke or something instead?”

“And sprite, bottom shelf in the fridge, help yourself,”

“Yeah, beers just expensive,” I shrugged as I crossed to the kitchen... ish area. “Wouldn't feel right,”

“Bullshit,” Kev took a long drag on his cigarette which had previously hung, rather precariously between his lips. “You don't smoke, you don't drink, but do you game?”

“From time to time,” It was then that I realized he was for real. He didn't give a s**t, two s***s, nothing. Kev had his way of doing things and accepted my way. He wouldn't put out that cigarette, that burning ember which danced and shimered with every drag he took, if I asked, but he wasn't gonna force me to take one. “So gimme' that controller,”

“Haha, look at that, kid's got balls after all,”

“Yeah,” I cocked an eyebrow. “but, yours'll be busted when I'm done with you,”

Kev let out a loud laugh. “Bring it pansy,”

As my head hit the pillow that night I knew something had changed. Something minor to those on the outside, but nothing like this had happened my whole life. I enjoyed myself. I connected and interacted with other people. Without even realizing it I let down my walls, and let Julia in. I let Kev in. These two people, both whom I'd practically met today, and they both helped me as best they could. Yet, teven when I closed my eyes a thought played around like little children in the school yard, begging for me to pick it out of my head. It started slow, as a simple tune, and then words came to it, a prolonged process, one word at a time, and a simple beat which I could hum to myself.

Then a ton of bricks smacked me across the face, metaphorically speaking of course. Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there, with open arms and open eyes. Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there, I'll be there.

Julia was my tomorrow. She was my hope and... as corny as it sounds she was my joy. A girl to whom I was nothing a few days ago... no... not nothing... I suppose I was something to her; I was Baby Blue.

I just assumed I could be nothing to her... I assumed I lived my fleeting life secluded and buried away, hiding from everyone, because I wasn't worthy, yet even when I tried my best she noticed me.

I'm glad someone did...

I guess I can always be honest with myself... more honest then I had been a mere few minutes ago.

See... if it weren't for her I wouldn't be where I am today... I wouldn't have even been at Kev's place that night... I wanted to jump. I stood on the edge of a bridge before Julia found me... I wasn't even a man enough to put a gun in my f*****g mouth and pull the trigger. I didn't want to over dose, I was no rockstar... I didn't deserve to be remembered, much less even mentioned. I wanted to die on the impact of the cold rushing water below and sink to the bottom, where none would find me, none would even care...

But Julia promised me a tomorrow... she gave me my life...