The Dancing Redhead

I met her one night in a place downtown,
a place I couldn't take my mom.
She was dancing on a stage with nothing on
It sure wasn't much like prom.
I stood there for a moment not sure what to do
when she danced down off that stage.
I looked in her eyes and could tell right away
she was pretty darn close to my age.

She took my hand and she led me back 
to a private room with a couch.
She eased me down deep into the cushion 
then turned and bent in a crouch.
I swear I'd never seen so much 
of a woman or one so close.
I didn't know what to do with my hands
or just what parts I could touch.

She moved up and down and wiggled a little
then when the music stopped
she took all my money and said 'thank you, honey"
and left the little room in a trot.
I sat for a moment unable to stand
all my blood was rushing to my head.
When finally I was able to stand upright
It was way past my time for my bed.

I stumbled back home at about sunrise
and my mother was waiting inside.
She smelled the air and asked where I had been
Of course, I told her a lie.
She knew I was lying no matter how hard I was trying
and finally, let me go to bed.
So I fumbled upstairs and changed out of my clothes
and dreamed of a dancing redhead.

Reviews

[Lydia Shutter]

Smiling here....a place you couldn't take your mom for sure. Liked the description of the lap dance and the innocence mingling with the eroticism. The rhyming, as always, is flawless, James. Mother always knows best, doncha know? Great write. Lydi**

[James]

I'm glad you liked it. I was worried this wouldn't be received very well.

[barleygirl]

I definitely get the overtones that this narrator is quite young & inexperienced, a sensation that's carried consistently thru-out. Your story-in-a-poem is told with clarity & in a logical sequence that's easy to follow & visualize, even if one has never been in this situation. The only thing that feels a tiny bit weird is that this is made up of mostly observations, but with very few glimpses into how this FELT for the narrator. We can guess how it might've felt, based on observations . . . but it seemed a little devoid of feeling, making it seem there's a bit of distance, rather than being drawn in to the middle of the experience. Your rhyming is good, especially the internal rhymes "took my money, thank you honey" . . . "she knew I was lying no matter how hard I was trying"

[James]

Thanks for your honest review, I always like them. I'm not quite sure how I could show exactly how this youngster would feel. I'll keep working on that.

[barleygirl]

Maybe it doesn't need to be changed, tho. This could be like another patron watching, someone who has no access to being inside the narrator's head. I'm just observing the sensation of "distance" but not to say it's a bad thing. It's just a sideline sensation of the reading.

[H.L. Cerveise]

I liked the stanza breakdowns and the flow. I also agree with Lydia,"...the description of the lap dance and the innocence mingling with the eroticism..." is how I as well see this piece. I like the last two lines; for me, they just brought a very good ending to this.

Well done.

[James]

Thanks, it was a lot of fun to write.

[Shannon]

The contradictions here make so much sense. An adult topic treated with rhyming couplets, the references to mom. They bring forward that transition time in life. A poem about a lap dance that's endearing. There's a surprise!

[James]

That's how I hoped it would turn out. Thanks, I wasn't sure how this would be received.

[Shannon]

That's what I see!

[Papaya]

Good poem, good rhyme. I'm sure there are many men who have lost their money and heads over the dancing red head. Fun one.

[James]

I'm sure there have been. Thaks for reading.

[Jacob Clifford]

That poor ol fellow! I really enjoyed this as a humorous, honest, humble story.

[James]

and somewhat autobiographical. Glad you liked it.

[Coyote Poetry]

Those dancing red head beauties. They can haunt us. I liked the tale and the honest ending. Thank you James for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[James]

Thank you for reading, glad you enjoyed it.

[Coyote Poetry]

I did and you are welcome.

[Carolynn]

Haha - this is so funny - poor guy didn't have a clue what to do - the image of this entire story is now etched in my brain (oh dear) - I hope I don't dream of redheads now too haha! Well written as usual James - the rhyming superb :)

[James]

Thanks, I'm glad it gave you a chuckle. Shamefully it's kind of an autobiography. The first place I went when I got to Ft. Bragg, 20 something years ago was to a strip club with a bunch of guys; I was a 19-year-old from a small town in Alabama. First real life naked girl I had ever seen. She got all of my money.

[Carolynn]

Haha - I bet she did - true stories are usually the best ones :)