Just, That Girl In Class.

little poem with some simple rhymes i made in class. very simple.

There you sit, twirling your chair.
I sit here starring, only at your hair.

Your skin is dark, tan and cool.
Praising your complexion like a damn fool.

Every turn shows your soft, beautiful face.
I bet you have boys lined up like a middle school race.

Small lips that look gentle, yet dangerous.
Your dark mysterious presence, makes me so curious.

I glance at you every time we pass by.
If only i had the courage to say hi.

Reviews

[VALENTINE]

Whoa... Simplistic yet surprisingly insightful. Well done mate.

P.S glad you like my work to.

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

I think it sounds much better if it was...

There you sit in that chair.
i watch you as you twirl your hair.
Just a suggestion :)

I feel like it ended far to quickly it had more of a story to it, i feel like you didnt really make an ending to it, you just stopped writing half way.

I would have liked it to go longer because i was getting into the poem i really like it.
Its real emotion, romantic, and i love the rhyming scheme of it.

Great write i really love this one :)

[tyson]

oh man, this is awesome! it's so simplistic, not that that's a bad thing, at all. It makes the emotion in it so much more honest and real. I laughed at this one, "Praising your complexion like a damn fool." I found this one really clever considering your context, "I bet you have boys lined up like a middle school race." and the last two lines, really sweet. You've managed to pack it all 10 line poem, really well done. Liking your style

[James Huston]

hey thanks again man, that was an awesome review you gave me. i really appreciate it

[Raymond Federle]

LOL...AWESOME! This is very, very good! Notice I use two "very's" there? Poems can be long or short, length doesn't matter as much, if at all, more than content and a conveyance of feeling and emotion. I got this right away and I have felt exactly the same many times in school. :)

[Dr. Wood ?]

simple ..yes...but still pretty good, it reads like an adolescents train of thought

[Scott Mou]

I liked the rhyming in this poem and the emotion put into it.

Keep up the good work

[James Huston]

thank you, and you also

[Kenaz]

Chair and hair in the first two lines are interchangeable, if you catch my drift ;)
Simple things that need fixing:
"I sit here staring, only at your hair"-spelling
"Your dark, mysterious presence makes me so curious"-comma position
"If only i^ had the courage to say hi"-capitalization...

Any who, I really enjoyed this commentary on the awkward nature of one-sided relationships.

[Epipsychologist]

The slant rhyme of the fourth couplet sets up a nice awkwardness revealed in the fifth couplet. I agree with Glitch that the last couplet acts as a kind of punch-line, though not necessarily in a humorous way. The rest sets up the object of desire and the last line sets up the narrator's predicament.
Also, I'd recommend talking to everyone you can, to build up the courage to have casual conversation with hot girls. That worked for me. In general men are more appealing to women than they realize. Or rather, people in general want to like you when they meet you. But here I'm speaking a little pretentiously.

[Laminators Dubai]

Haha....that was a punch line for me.
Sweet and desperately done.

[FlatLineBeauty]

Awe this was really sweet. Try saying hi. I know its hard, but you may be surprise. Hint: Girls love a guy that can make them laugh. It may help, even if you are saying something funny to someone else that she can over hear. It could start a conversation. xo Winter

[James Huston]

haha your totally right :p i guess fate will take its course

[FlatLineBeauty]

Yeah, fate will, but remember bud... Sometimes we have to meet fate part way and take the first step and it does the rest. Like I said even if you say something where you are standing close to her that she can over hear without talking directly to her you can be sly enough to get her to start a conversation, that way you aren't stuck feeling nervous. open the door a bit.