Spin Cycle

Concealment of character, guilt over hiding the real self behind deception and surface matters. A realization I had that induced severe panic in the laundromat. Wrote this after the valium took hold.

                              My life is reflected

                                  when I walk down the Aisle

                                          of the Laundromat.

          Solitary figure

               lugging in his washables,

                   Contorted freak-show reflects through

                           circular washer windows.

                       (The weight of my dirty laundry makes me ashamed)

                                  A life fitted wrongly

                             into articles of clothes

                    I would have never picked to wear,

             But that I wear well.

                       The cycle of dream-machine dryers.

                                 tumbling linens is comforting.

            And the smell of fabric softener

                  dulls any sharp feelings.

                     I thumb my silver change

                         down the slot

MAKE

    &

SPEND       

                  The various outfits my mistakes have worn

                 Begin to cycle .

    Dirty stains leeching from

                      a hodgepodge masquerade of outfits

                     ( that defined .me. for You,

                         that COVERED .me.

                         all the way up

                         and that I shed like

                         bitter skins of a soft cocoon )

            I have to chlorofoml

                these spinning thoughts

          with calming fabric softener

       a dryer sheet against my lips and nostrils

    helps me breath easy,

wraps my racing heart in gauze

          While stinging detergents slosh my sopping-rag,

                                  dirty sock

                                 INTENTIONS.

Author's Note

I wanted to make this shaped like a big O, or a circle, so that it appeared to cycle, the last line and first line being the line at the top of the poem.....but it's a rough draft and the conversion software here seems to really pick on me.

Reviews

[Baby Ricochet]

I like all the emotion in everyday life of your poems, least the one's I've read are like that. I picked a black chick up once at a laundry matt but that's beside the point I'm trying to make. Actually I have no idea what point I'm trying to make. Good poem..

[Horizon K.]

Very visual. I'm not sure if I feel dirty of clean reading it...actually dirty, like unwashed laundry. I don't understand how the word chlorophyl fits in though...

[James William Dyer]

I meant clorophom, thanx, what a f**k up. Chlorophom, like the stuff people are gagged with

[Steven]

I had a panic attack once. I was working on a dirt road in the middle of VT for two years, and only had human contact on the weekends. I enjoyed it at first, but after several months it started getting to me. Then I started getting insomnia. One night I laid down to sleep and my heart started racing. It wouldn't slow down at all, no matter what I did. And it hurt like f**k. I felt like I was losing it, and just had to breathe and focus... I finally got to sleep, and went to the doctor soon after. He took xrays, ran tests, etc., and then said, "Panic attack. What do you do?" I guess it's common if you fall into a reclusive pattern. So, I found ways to get out there, even if it wasn't convenient (society was an hour away). In one sense, that is what this is about. You are a recluse, in a sense, and the real you receives no human connection, even when you are surrounded by others. Sometimes you just have to sledge hammer down a wall. Anyway, nice write.

[James William Dyer]

I'm actually very social, but the social me seems to be this giant Fraud, when I compae it to the person I know inside. The poblem is I have hidden chemical dependencies, and am constantly hiding them to avoid the stigma associated with it. I am a normal person aside from that, but because of how substance use / abuse is viewed, I am forced into an abnormal underground person below the normal everyday person. I've lost so many lovers and jobs and other important things, not because I've done anything wrong, not because I put my chemicals before my loved ones, or because I show up late (I don't do these things), not because I have a bad attitude or am lewd or act innapropriate or am disspassionate or lack empathy. It is solely because of the stereotype associated with substance use. It's as if I'm completely accepted and loved and in some cases fauned over....until I let anyone completely in, then I'm shunned like a leper. I think it is very foolish to assume someone away into nothingness because of one facet of their being. I have tried everything to not feel warped inside, to not feel bad right into my ribcage, but nothing works. I have abstained from chemicals, I have dated differenty types than my regular, I have made lifestyle changes, taken antidepressants. Nope. Nothing. The Image got embedded too young. Anyways, certain illicit chemicals do help, they do. And I've been this way for more than fifteen years. Ok, wow, never let that out before on a publkic forum.

[Steven]

I hear you man. Some things we can never fully recover from. The world can have a very literal affect of our brains. Can actually change its chemistry. If there is something, the cons of which are tolerable, that really helps, I say go for it. But, if it doesn't come with a docs script, I don't think the stigma will ever be removed. But there's a script for just about everything. If anyone says they care, they should care to understand.

[James William Dyer]

I'm adept at procuring the right scripts, believe me :) . I am an opiate user. The problem is that you can only go so long before somone looks inside your metaphorical medicine cabinet. And the scheduling I have to put myself through to avoid physical withdrawals is sort of an up and down thing. It's benefits versus risk, mediating all that brain chemistry. But thanks for the Open Mind.....back 2 the poetry. !THANX! for the review. I think I need to go read some of yours, what would you recommend I start with?

[Steven]

Yes, it's true! Well, I like Mourning After

[James William Dyer]

I'll start there.

Aaaah nice, same concept here I see, but totally different too, I loved this. Deep deep line with: " The various outfits my mistakes have worn Begin to cycle" they are turning indeed, as that core is what you need.... great to read this one, after I made mine. Your ending, is a lovely and sarcastic way to deal with emotions, loved that line: "Dirty sock INTENTIONS" amazing write.

E.L.

[James William Dyer]

OK, aside from all the other things this software f(*cked up, MAKE & SPEND is supposed to be centered, and the poem makes a circle, just not on this website because of software discrepencies. I really hate this. My poems are highly dependant on word placement and grammatical marks, etc. ugh, whatever

[James William Dyer]

ok...this software really screwed this up, im trying to fix it, but how irritating