Rains of Anger

Anger is our biggest enemy. I often face problems due to my anger. This poem is all about it.

It was raining in the dark,

& I went out for a walk.

Still inside were heat spark,

as I had an angry talk.

 

 

Frogs jumping around,

Kids glad for paper boat.

but I didn't heard any sound,

Heart was paining a lot.

 

 

Puddles and streams,

leg passing through by.

Hurdles of anger,

I can't face. Tell me why ?

 

 

Uncontrolled mind,

kicks unintentional words out.

speaks unpleasing things,

whose guilty ? my mouth ?

 

 

Though I ran to sow,

seeds of Apologies but in vain.

Too late to plough,

clouds disappeared with rain.

 

 

No frogs, no kids, and no more rain.

No sounds to hear on unknown street

lane.

I was left lonely, half wet, full in pain.

The rains of anger, made me,

lose one friend.

I kept starring at sunk paper boat,

in puddle, half bend.

-}> JM ( A Jainam Mehta )

Author's Note

Please share your reviews with any suggestions or corrections. It will help me to improve my writing.

Reviews

[Laura Maidah]

Why is the and not written? It looks plain lazy. Weird. Staring is misspelled in the last stanza. Passing through by? Incorrect syntax. Very befuddling for me. I like seeds of apologies conceptually, but the line breaks horrified me. Your diction in that whole stanza is superb, but why is it in caps? I feel like you are going for correct breaks aesthetically. Focus on purposed meaning and meter. Tone is pretty consistent. MOod is lonesome. I like the ending. Very climactic and ties every little loose end. Pretty good effort. Needs a bit of editing.

[daemok]

I think talismanic covered your corrections. I'd like to point out that the meaning you're trying to portray is diffidently there. I've captured the essence of it and can tell with tali's suggestions that it would be a wonderfully emotion packed poem that brings readers a great short story. :)
keep up the good work and be careful how you use your words, always check out a thesarus or dictionary for extra help!

[Tweezy]

honestly. this one confused me a bit. The topic was supposed to be about "The Rains of ANGER" but you added words, didn't connect with the storytelling of the poem. but i like these bit

"Uncontrolled mind,
kicks unintentional words out".

well done. but it could'ave been better

[Brandon Mathis]

It was very nice but not saying it was bad but i think you can do better!!!

[Talismanic]

Verry nice poem and beautiful image of remorse, walking in the rain and wishing "sorry" could never be too late, (is it too late??) :))
In your note you asked for corrections. You have a natural voice and your own style in a langauge that is not your first, so I can't correct anything.

Suggestions:
1st stanza, 3rd line: change 'were' to 'a', 'still inside a heat spark.' In this case, the 'were' should usually be 'was' ... 'inside me was a heat spark,' but this might disrupt the rhythm too much, so completely up to you.
2nd stanza, 3rd line: 'heard' = 'hear', 'but I didn't hear any sound, heart was paining a lot.' (typo, just one was)
3rd stanza, 2nd line: 'leg passing through by'? I think this means you are stepping in puddles, tripping over hurdles of anger in your mind, but maybe it needs clearer wording, it makes the rhyme sound forced.
4th stanza: Check commas and fullstops. Fullstop for new thought or idea, comma for a small pause, (read shakespeare for practice :p). Use capitals when starting a new line or sentence, OR keep every word in lower case.) 'Uncontrolled mind
kicks unintentional words out,
speaks unpleasing things.
Who's guilty? My mouth?'
The 5th stanza could be 'I ran to sew seeds
of apologies, but in vain,
it was too late to plough.
Clouds disappear after the rain'
6th stanza, 3rd line: should 'in' be 'full of plain' ?
'The rains of anger made me
lose one friend.'
'starring' = 'staring'

This is truthful to our most heartfelt feelings, wanting to take back something we said or did when we didn't mean to, when we could not think clearly; our regret and hopelessness when we have broken someone's trust, maybe beyond repair. There's a song that goes:
'when the red mist falls around my eyes
i know not what i do...' that always makes me cry and this brought it to mind... (it's called If I Could Start Today Again by Paul Kelly).

Please keep writing and thanks for the read-:)