Kids at Play

Just a kids eye view of a silly prank.

I lay motionless on the family room floor. There are people moving all about my limp form apparently not noticing or perhaps not caring that I may be dead.
I opened my eyes a sliver to see if anyone noticed me but all I saw were the feet of my sisters running back m forth taking care of themselves as always. Oop there's mom. She will wonder what's wrong with me for sure. I quickly closed my eyes and held still as possible. I waited and waited. About that time I heard the front door slam and the house was filled with silence as everyone left. Disappointed, I opened my eyes and jerked back as a frightfully scream exploded from my mouth. My mom was hovering over me, her nose was approximately two inches from my face when I opened my eyes.

Author's Note

Any comments to help my lack of talent are appreciated. Trying to get better. Thnx for your time.
Jag

Reviews

[Matt Ritch]

just came back to writerscafe so this reviews a little late but you should try rewriting the same thing worded differently or in a different characters point of view. i would've wrote it like this . I laid motionless on the floor. People moved around me. Apparently they didn't notice that i was there or maybe they didn't even care. I could have been dead and they wouldn't have done anything about it. It wouldn't have bothered them. I barely opened my eyes so i could see what the yelling was about. My sisters were running back and forth as always.
I think it sounds better this way, but do it however you want to. I'm not the god of writing I'm an amateur myself but I think your writing would be better if you cut out all of the words that are not needed that's about the only writing rule I believe in.