Forever Young. ( Prologue )

Jed miller was retrieving the slop bucket from the barn on his hog farm that he and his young daughter ran. After filling the hog trough Jed headed back to the house to see how Anna was fairing. Anna hasn't been feeling well for the past few days and Jed wanted to keep a close rye on her in case she got any worse. If that happened they'd have to get the team hitched for a ride into lorado to see doc franks. Anna always had a transparent smile pasted on whenever her father came around as if to tell him not to worry about her. She's good and getting better. She tried to convey but Jed knew better.
Hi daddy Anna said on a cheery facade.
How ya feeling Anna Jed asked as he removed his work cloths.
Feeling better than I did yesterday. But I just can't seem to lick this bug that's got me. I'm sure ill be good as new tomorrow and ill be able to help you with chores again so u dont have to work so hard.
Oh honey don't you worry about me. I can manage things fine. U just concentrate on getting better.
Anna slid the bowl of stew age had prepared on front of her father and kissed him on the forehead. I love you daddy. She murmured
Yea I live you too sweetheart. Jed said to her back as she returned to the sitting room to retake her spot beneath the blankets on her bed roll.
Sweetheart, did you eat? Jed asked
Yea dad I ate before u came in.
Looking over the countertop in the prep area Jed saw no crockery in need of cleaning and solemnly shook his head.
From the yard Jed heard a ruckus involving the chickens. Dam foxes again Jed thought as he grabbed his rifle and headed out.
The sun had just dipped below the horizon as twilight engulfed the day. Jed saw the chickens heading into the coop but saw no sign of what startled them. Out of the corner of his eye Jed saw the side door on the main barn latch closed.
Never knew any fix that could latch a door. He mumbled to himself.
Jed walked cautiously toward the barn as he cocked the 30/30 loudly.
Hello there Jed shouted toward the barn door. I think u may be found your way onto the wrong farm my friend he said in a firm but friendly voice.
I don't want any trouble so y doncha come on out and talk to me.
After what seemed like forever Jed noticed the barn door latch lift as the door opened slowly.
I beg your pardon sir called a man voice from the doorway. I didn't mean any trouble I was just passing through and hoped to take shelter in your barn thru the night till this coming storm passes then I was going to sneak out in the morning before anyone was the wiser. The man slowly stepped from the barn door keeping his hands clearly visible. You don't need the gun sir ill leave your property straight away.
Now just hold on there Jed interrupted you asked me for use of my barn for shelter and I think I should get to answer don't you?
Oh umm yes yes sir.
Alright then, first off I forgive your trespass as u asked and your more than welcome to take shelter in the barn long as you don't rile the hogs and u leave it in better shape than you found it. Sound fair to you my friend Jed asked as he lowered the rifle and extended his hand.
An uneasy smile spread across the strangers face as he slowly walked toward Jed and accepted his hand.
Names Jed Curry, Jed said as he shook the strangers hand.
My names Tate sir. Glad to meet you.

Author's Note

Please let me know what you think. Thnx

Reviews

[CecilA]

Jag,

You have an interesting story. With a little work, it can be a great story.

Suggestions:

Read some Hemmingway stories. Notice how he shows the reader his stories. When I read his work, it's like watching a movie. Your story has virtually no showing; just telling.

Read your story aloud: what do you hear?; taste?; smell?; see?; feel? Who is saying what to whom?

Dialog is so important that I believe one should delineate who is speaking; use 's. Also, simply state: he said; she said; Jed said or Tate said. No need to add: firm but friendly voice. Show us that with the words he uses. We'll hear the firmness and friendliness in his voice.

Grammar is paramount in writing. Amazon.com has lots of inexpensive grammar books which you can purchase and us as references.

Would you consider beginning your story with: Anna hasn't been feeling well for the past few days....
Most people aren't interested in slopping hogs but they will want to know what's wrong with Anna. What Jed does for a living is fine; just not a good opening sentence.

Your story is good but can be great if you would give it a little TLC.

Sincerely,

Cecil

[Jag]

Thank you so very much. I was hoping for some quality feedback and you delivered. I can't wait to read Hemingway. Ill read up and learn a bit. Then I will rewrite my chapters and see if I'm getting it. Thnx again for taking the time.
Jag