Four White Walls

I'm not sure about this one.

Pretty eyes blink and it swamps you.
It's just a second, a flashback,
a picture view through every little
wonderful thing that was done;
she's steady amongst the swash,
she's caught amongst the thorns
and captured by a disease that
she fought and lost as a friend
and upbringer, your lifegiver and your Mum.

And on your wedding day, dressed in
white, flourishing like the flower
you are, perfect like crystal or glass
and ready to break, ready to shatter.

It's just a second but you blink,
You let it in and it swamps you.

You yourself are a mirror, your figure
disfigured by a tidal surge of running makeup,
cracked tiles on the floor of this haven of
tranquillity, a porcelain white cubicle,
four walls and a bog full of faeces.
It's safety and security and
it's not stupid, it's not;
swelling up with joy
and unabashed pain,
filling up with love
and bitter sorrow;

And this on your wedding day.

I could say things come and things go,
that time turns and time takes away,
I could sit with you for hours on end,
Tell you it would never be the same
And ask you to change here today,
your wedding day, to move on,
to forget the fear of death.

But you're locked up inside four walls;
A bolted, whitewashed cubicle,
Because that second swamped you,
And for a second, that's okay.

Author's Note

what do you think? does it make sense?

Reviews

[SayG'NightGrac[i]e]

i feel like the second to last stanza needs some work. it is nearing the end of your poem and everything is going so well until...

"I could say things come and things go,
that time turns and time takes away,"

it's a bit cliched and you can do much better. Except for the last line:

"to forget the fear of death."

i personally would leave that one alone.

"perfect like crystal or glass
and ready to break, ready to shatter." [favorite line]

[Siddartha Beth Pierce]

What an intriquing concept for you to write about. The mind of the bride on her wedding day. Mine happened to end in divorce and I knew it as I walked the aisle - many of the thoughts you have written here I felt as well. I can truly empathize with this writing. It is truly superb!
Light,
Siddartha

[Pratibha]

this is one amazing poem with words that touch the soul of readers. You have empathised with the bride and you could depict the pain of the bride with flawless accuracy
this is not usual, honestly
to empathise is the most difficult part.

[Kathryn]

It more than makes sense. This piece is fantastic, and I'm not just saying that.
I don't know how you managed to get your mind into a bride's on her wedding day, but this piece of writing is so extremely successful. You are more talented than you give yourself credit for.
Your imagery was distinctive while still being subtle enough that the reader has that "Ahhh..ha!" moment where it all starts to come together. You do a very good job of letting the story unfold, one line at a time. I love the "reassuring" repetition of this little breakdown beginning and ending with a 'second.' You make me love the word "swamp."

You held the hand of that shattering bride and you wrote about it. You got into her mind and heart and pain and wrote about it. You gave every piece of advice that you should and said the things she would need to hear and you wrote one hell of a poem about it.

Brilliant.

Now for the corrections/suggestions. ;)
Last stanza, first line- Spelling: your--> "you're" Mood point: also, consider changing "in" to "inside"
Second stanza, first line- consider adding "you are" before "dressed" to give the fragment more of a sentence feel. Usually I would tell you a fragment can add to a piece, but here I think it subtracts a bit.
Fourth stanza- spelling: faeces --> feces
Overall, well done.