This story begins unlike many other: at the end. Because this story is a story about the story of The Villain after the story ends for the Good Guy.
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“You've gone too far this time” he said, floating down as if from some invisible harness, his white cape fluttering in the breeze as he came down into the glass dome.
"It doesn't matter, not this time" Came a raspy voice with a British accent from behind the dark, cold, spherical metal machine in the center of the glass dome that would end all life for miles around it.
The fact that all life around the machine only encompassed the stereotypical Hero and Villain struggling for superiority, along with some insignificant bugs, didn't matter to the man who had set up the machine. After all, it was designed to end both of their lives and finally bring true peace to the millions of people affected by their almost now weekly battles.
"What do you mean, 'it doesn't matter ' " The stench of sarcasm in his voice was unmissable. "Do you want me to blow it up right now? Because I can do that. Remember? Laser eyes?" He said, mockingly tapping his temple and waving his two fingers in front of his eyes.
"Why did you bring me out here anyways?" The floating, white-spandex-clad fair-haired superhero said to the cloak hunched over a control panel. "Aside from Old Man Isaac's abandoned barn down the road, there's nothing out here for you to try to destroy"
"There is now" waggled the thick grey beard. It was the only part of the dark, mystical man that could be seen from underneath the purple and gold cloak, his grey eyes looked up at the man who had defeated him so many times.
Looking around, Spandex Man (The name came from the townspeople who mocked him, and his spandex-like covering, as he fell out of the sky for the first time so many times) noticed the glass dome he flew into now being replaced with a tungsten shield. The dome was now impenetrable thanks to the only known metal that Spandex Man was vulnerable to, it was a lot lot like Kryptonite, only a lot more pathetic and not as copyrighted. (Also, Kryptonite is noticeably more green than Tungsten)
"You mothe..." He managed to blurt out before he was interrupted by The Cloak. Oddly enough, the psychopathic evil Villain who had taken numerous lives had an aversion to swear words. "I thought long and hard about my next step. Trying to destroy Urbanaton over and over again wasn't working, you would always stop me before I could overheat one measly Nuclear Fusion Reactor, or detonate one stupid energy bomb." The Cloak droned on. "And then it occurred to me, like how the AIDS virus only eliminates the host's immune system, and then let's something else kill the host, I have to kill you, and let something else kill the city, like a meteor, or a volcano, or Democrats."
"So if your plan is to kill me, and let something else destroy the city, why don't you just do it yourself?" Spandex asked, legitimately confused about the semantics of his arch rival's plan.
"Oh, I'll die too, but I've had a good run, I've collapsed a few buildings, killed a few now-extinct species" Said The Cloak, now, finally, fully comprehending the intricate details of his murder suicide.
"This is stupid, it will never work. None if your mass death machines ever do." Blurted Spandex, who was actually starting to become worried about the possibility of this maniac's plan working.
Of course it would, however, this machine had been tried and tested, it caused the earthquake and tsunami that destroyed the Fukushima Nuclear Plant in Japan, it caused the mega tsunami that almost wiped out the entire Eastern Seaboard of the Continents of North and South America. And a much, much stronger version caused the Moon to fall 500 kilometers closer to earth, an event which actually stopped the massive tsunami from reaching the coastline of the Americas.
How he got the bomb to the Moon, however, nobody knew.
"I've placed a timer of 6 minutes on the energy bomb. You know, so you can write up a will or call the Mayor or something." Although entirely composed of evil, at least The Cloak had a compassionate side, he once stopped a battle between the two super men to let a kitten escape the building they were about to plow through.
°
3 minutes had passed and the two former rivals were now sitting down leaning against the base of the tungsten dome. Intently watching the timer tick down to a final 2m:30s:00ms.
"I've enjoyed our fights." said the man who's white spandex battle suit did not provide a very nice view for those looking at him when he was sat in a position like the one he was in now.
"Me too, we're probably the only ones who had, you know, considering the trillions of dollars in damage we caused" They laughed, though they both knew it to be true. Battles between the two superpowered men had made a certain Shia LaBeouf and Michael Bay movie that cannot be named due to copyright issues look like a child taking his anger out on a lego town.
"You know, if you survive this, do me a favour, and don't be a complete a*****e." In his last 2 minutes, The Cloak let this one slide, though still grimaced at the ugly language.
"Don't try to destroy Urbanaton. Be nice, help them, go out and vote, help old people cross the street" plead Spandex.
"Spandex, you know I hate doing that stuff. It makes me sick." Said The Cloak, obviously disguised with the mere prospect of being a decent human being.
"Joe"
"Sorry?"
"My name is Joe, I'm sick of people calling me Spandex Man.
"Hey, Joe"
"Yes"
"You listen to Jimi Hendrix?”
°
The last thing Joe ever heard was a s****y, obscure Jimi Hendrix reference making fun of his name, because it was at that moment The Cloak's massive Metal sphere converted a small amount of matter, about the size of a large marble, instantly, into pure energy.
Outside the dome, a bird landed on the dusty dirt road leading to the dome. Blissfully unaware of the hell that was unfolding mere feet from it, The small animal began to poke at the ground, looking for its next meal.
Meanwhile inside the giant tungsten dome, it was quickly filled with fire and everything else one would expect from a small atomic bomb.
Miraculously however, while Joe the Spandex Man was being disintegrated, the indestructible cloak that The Cloak got his name from lived up to its famed prowess, shielding the evil supervillain from his own bomb. While knocked unconscious by the force of the detonation and therefore naive of the events unfolding around him, he would emerge unhurt from the dome.
°
Approximately 2 hours and 37 minutes after the explosion, The Cloak woke up. Smoldering from the bomb, and understandably confused by the situation, and believing himself to be in whatever hell or condemnation he earned with his actions, he left the dome, and walked the 72 miles back to his underground lair.
°
When he arrived back at his lair, which he had given to his only henchman, Igor, before he left for what the presumed to be the last time, he noticed the odd, bright pink color that now adorned every wall and surface. Complete with the banner stretching from one catwalk to the other, reading 'Happy LaiR Day To mE' with the writing appearing like it was written by a kindergartener who had just learned how to write, and who had found the can of red radioactive paint in The Cloak's storage shed.
"IGOR!" The Cloak yelled, infuriated from what he considered a sacrilegious destruction of his home. "I LEFT THE LAIR TO YOU FOR 7 HOURS!" However the hunchbacked man was nowhere to be seen.
The Cloak walked to the small tool room across the hallway from the entrance to the lair and began to dig around in one of the many bins filled with assorted knick-knacks and Weapons of Mass Destruction for a paint removal tool. Throwing around Nuclear Obfuscators, a beat up Head-Watermelon Replacement ray, and a 5 year old Doctor Who Action figure, he finally found it hidden underneath an autographed polaroid of himself meeting Wil Wheaton at a Comic Con in 2003.
(Why the picture was autographed by Rosie O'Donnell, and not Wil Wheaton was a mystery unto itself.)
Quickly dispatching the Hot Pink paint splattered messily along the walls, spending extra time on the clouds and rainbows, instead opting to slow down, and watch the cheerful clouds give way to miserable, grey steel, his favorite colour. The Cloak burned the banner and marched into his home theatre, now fully believing this place was hell and he was in it.
As he opened the door to his home, or rather, lair theatre he wasn't surprised at all to see a fat, 30-something year old, balding, very smelly man passed out on the red leather couch that comprised most of the furniture in the theatre (Aside from a flipped nightstand and half a billiards table). He was buried under a layer of Coca-Cola, potato chips, and white cheddar popcorn, with Three's Company reruns playing on the 120" HD television mounted to the opposite wall.
“IGOR!" Cloak snapped, and the hulking man fell off the couch with a dull thud. Which brought much laughter from the studio audience at The Regal Begale on the television behind him
Dull thud, by the way, describes Igor himself better than the noise he makes when falling off a foot and half high leather sofa.
"Cloak! I mean master, what are you doing here?" The snivelling beast was obviously surprised at his boss, standing above him, fully alive and condescendingly shaking his head, "To be perfectly honest, Igor, I thought I was dead, I was sure this was my hell when I was walked into my home and saw the state it was in YOU ABSOLUTE OAF!" Cloak barked at the poor, confused soul laying before him.
"But Master, Except to put up my banner, I never left this room after you left."
"What do you mean? I walked in and my home looked like it had been designed by a six year old girl!" Cloak's increasing rage was highlighted by a thumping blood vessel in his forehead and his twitching eye. All of which was picked up by the dull thud pathetically laying in front of him.
No sooner than he finished the sentence did a female robotic voice speak out from a speaker.
"Automated Security System reports carbon based lifeform in Missile Silo B." reported the cold, disembodied voice.
"Theresa? I need more details than that." Said Cloak to Theresa, his lair's computer system.
"Further Analysis shows a 6 year old female human wandering around Missile Silo B, she has pushed multiple buttons and would have launched a Nuclear tipped Missile at Andorra if the buttons had not been previously disabled. You're welcome ."
Annoyed by the computer, Cloak asked Igor, who was just picking himself up: "Igor, did you change Theresa's sarcasm settings?"
"Yes, sir. I moved it to 125%, I thought it would be more like having you around. Since, you know, you went off to..." Obviously hard for Igor to say, he trailed off before he mentioned the events of the past day.
"Fine, fine, Theresa, lower Sarcasm Settings to 25%" said Cloak, not wishing to spend time with someone more sarcastic than himself, robotic or living. "And Igor, come with me"
"Fine." Responded the computer, with all the pent-up frustration and defeat of a teenage girl told she can't go out two nights in a row
"Where are we going, sir?" though he felt he already knew the answer
"Missile Silo B."
°
When the two men arrived at Silo B, their first glimpse of the child was her, sitting at the launch panel, playing with dials and flipping switches and making woosh noises.
She was wearing a baby blue shirt with bright pink paint stains and jeans.
"Little girl?" The Cloak asked.
She turned her head, and was hit by the pigtail on the side of her head as it flew over across her face. "Not now, I'm nuking Alaska " she answered, with all the innocence one would expect from a convicted sex offender.
Almost taken aback, the only thing that The Cloak could muster to say was a very confused, extremely quiet, and a little bit of a frightened "Pardon?"
"I'm nuking Alaska" the girl said, again with as much cheer as a 45 year old McDonald's employee.
Although her voice was overshadowed by Igor's saying in a voice that made the Cloak realize he should have brought along the Head-Watermelon Replacement Ray: "I think she said she was launching that Missile at Alaska, Sir!"
Cloak, unamused at Igor’s blundering idiocy, responded. Telling him if she really wanted to send that nuclear bomb to Alaska, she would have to be in Missile Silo C. As that was the Silo whose missile was designated for Anchorage.
"But, Sir, she can still launch it from B's control panel" corrected Igor.
The Cloak's eyes began to bulge with the realization that the 6 year old child sitting 3 feet from him was mere seconds from ending the world. And not quite wanting the world to end today, Cloak quickly picked the girl up and carried her back to the Lair Theatre.
°
To her protests of: "No I want to go back and play with the missiles!" Cloak, the little girl slung over his shoulder with all the dignity of a bag of rocks, and Igor panting to keep up, strode quickly back to the Lair Theatre and he unceremoniously plopped her down on a couch full of popcorn and potato chips. (Cloak ignored Igor's multiple sorrys with regards to the mess)
"How did you get here?" Cloak inquired.
"I walked."
"From where?"
"Outside"
Quickly becoming annoyed with her sarcasm, as it was better than both his, and Theresa's, Cloak grabbed the closest thing to him and pointed it at her, albeit very threateningly.
However the six year old bundle of sarcasm sitting on his couch was not impressed with having a very, very strange man point a cheetos dust caked TV remote pointed at her and she promptly began to "cry her face off" as Igor so eloquently put it moments later.
After about 17 minutes she began to calm down. When she did, Cloak was able to resume interrogating his prisoner.
"What's your name?"
"Frankie" the six year old responded.
"Why are you here?"
"I was out with my dad and I got lost, so I started walking and I found this place."
Growing curiouser and curiouser with every word, Cloak asked how long had she been here, and it turns out, she had been here for almost 3 weeks.
"I've been gone for less than a day, how have you been sneaking around here for 3 weeks!"
"I don't know..." her voice sounded more suspicious than not.
"IGOR!" Cloak called, although Igor had only been right beside him. "Prep the MagJet, we've got to bring her home"
The MagJet was a modified hovercraft. Instead of skirts holding air, it used a magnetic levitation and 2 jet turbines to propel it 3 feet above the ground and at almost 237kmph.
°
When they arrived in Urbanatron within the hour, Cloak and Igor's noticed that every Hydro pole in the city had been plastered by missing posters with Frankie's face. Something caught Cloak and Igor's eyes, print below Frankie's chin that read: "REWARD: $7,500,000"
"err... Frankie, who's looking for you?"
Cloak asked, curious about who could offer such an exorbitant amount for her.
"My daddy" she answered
"What's his name?"
"Joe" Frankie responded in a singsong voice
Cloak began to feel lightheaded. It couldn't be that Joe. It couldn't be. Cloak couldn't comprehend the idea that he killed Frankie's father.
"Do you have a mommy?" Cloak felt stupid for using the juvenile suffix.
When Cloak walked upstairs to check the master bedroom, he noticed a closet door propped open, inside were a few white spandex battle suits, and a pair of pyjamas.
Cloak couldn't handle it. He broke down inside the spacious closet and for the first time in his life, began to cry.
°
1 week later, an anonymous tip informed the Mayor of Urbanatron of the deaths of both Spandex Man and The Cloak. Devastated at the news of Spandex Man's death, the entire city mourned the loss of its protector, but The Cloak's memory faded away slowly.
Frankie was put into the Urbanaton Orphanage, yet she was adopted within a day by a man with a raspy voice and British accent.
After faking his death along with Spandex Man, The Cloak retired from supervillain-ing and spent his time at home or out with his adopted daughter, Frankie. He spent the next few years dismantling his mechanisms of evil, in honour of Joe. His house is now a blindingly bright, very vibrant pink. Recent trips to outer space by others confirmed it can be seen from low earth orbit.
Spandex Man was honoured with a state funeral, it was the largest turnout ever for a single funeral, with over 500 million in attendance. Urbanaton dedicated a lark in his memory, the city named it Protector Park, because Spandex Land sounded stupid.
Igor claimed the 7.5 million dollar reward, and retired to his native Canada. He now owns a secret mountain base in the Canadian Rockies. He has continued to do evil bidding under various ne'er-do-wells. Including Dr. Nefarioctopus and the evil corporate entity known as Apple.
The end of the story is never the end however, not truly, just how this one continued from the end of one, maybe another will start on the end of this one. Time will only tell what happens to The Cloak and Frankie.
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